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Finding Gratitude in The Hardest Times

How do you find gratitude? Do you hold onto a glimmer of hope? Or faith? One might call it “See the good.” In fact, I’ve received this nice quote on a card before.

Seeing the good is considered a practice of looking for gratitude in the smallest of places around you—and maybe even more so in the hardest times.

But then shit gets real. It’s really easy to let yourself fall into a black hole of sadness when life’s handing you curve balls and hard lessons. As I write this it seems like everyone around me, including myself, are going through major life shifts. Some shifts don’t feel great…but there is always light—even if it is a slim ray of light. IT IS THERE. That small light is a reminder that can bring peace of mind when you are going through a hard time. It’s a gift of grace that allows us to more easily trust and accept that all will work out in the end…even when you’re having doubts.

Train your mind to see the good in all things.” —Paul Walker

Maybe it’s knowing that you have already been through so much and that life always works out as it should because it always does. Or maybe life is just starting to throw those curveballs. We don’t have to know ‘the why.’ We just have to trust. That’s the light that is necessary for us to root in.

I’ve been through my fair share of heartbreak and grief and everything in between. What has always helped me was aiming to look for the good—even if the only good thing was waking up that day. As I took steps back, forgot about the big picture, and focused on the little (good) things. So much of what I’ve done in the past was look to the future or the what ifs that left me with nothing but anxiety and depression for things I didn’t have moments or time to accomplish. I couldn’t enjoy what was right in front of me because I was not present in the now. To see the many blessings I have because I focused on what I didn’t have.

Usually it takes a traumatic event for me to even connect the dots. But I did it. I started out looking at the small things:

  • Getting out of bed
  • The ability to use my hand
  • Learning to write again

Although these may seem small or trivial to a healthy person, these were things that were almost taken away from me. And so I was even more grateful for what I currently had and what was to come in the future. I couldn’t think of the future without gratitude for the present. Because if you focus on what you do not have, you spiral into the black abyss of what that is…and when you’re there it can be incredibly difficult to find your way back out again.

If you’re struggling moving past negative emotions, I encourage you to look for the good. Show gratitude for the smallest of moments. Learn to take pauses in your day that allow you to savor and be in the state of good.

You woke up.

You opened your eyes.

You are alive.

What else are you grateful for?

The Power of Words

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

What a quote!

“Be careful what you wish for, lest it come true!”

Both of these quotes imply that words can be powerful—and I believe this to be true!

So many times when we speak, we say so much. We say and talk so much to others…we even seem to say a lot within our internal dialog. What you say to yourself matters and many times it’s based on how you feel. Not too long ago I was attending a monthly strategy session. In one of the prompts we were asked to write what our takeaways from the month were. Right away I knew what I was going to write—and knew I wanted to share my insight with the class.

I knew I had a message to share and so I did. What I didn’t expect was that it created a shift in the class. The people related to it so much more than I thought they would. And it got me thinking. If my words can influence a shift in a class and the members within it, then they can influence a shift in myself.

Our words are powerful and carry so much weight. What you say and do with those words can affect you in so many ways.

For example: When you say you had a bad day and the only thing that really happened was that you stubbed your toe. You didn’t realize that the power of saying (or thinking) that you’re having a “bad day” influences everything around you. So you went on and had a bad day. You missed out on fun things, beautiful moments, and even a few opportunities. You said a few things that hurt a few people and now you have to handle the consequences of your words.

There are a few messages that came out of this for me:

  1. Share your stories and lessons. You never know who needs to hear it.

  2. Words can and do impact, not only you, but others as well.

  3. You never know who you will inspire.

Words can be just words. As a matter of fact they are just that. But it’s the meaning we put behind them that reflect your outcomes and desires.

On Sunday we had our monthly strategy session. We went over the past month’s good and bad, then looked towards the following month. One particular prompt was big for me, enough that I wanted to share it on camera. What I didn’t expect was the response and how it would affect those in the community. Your words have more power than you think they do. Sharing our words, truthful words, can feel like you’re outing someone (yourself?), they can bring up uncomfortable feelings, guilt…but you’ll find that they will allow you to process your own internal world and it will allow others to do the same in the way they can empathize.

What did I feel when the words were repeated back to me?

Oh shit, this is more powerful than I thought. What I said not only impacts me, it’s already impacting others in the community. I knew I felt strongly about my words, so I had to share my thoughts. I felt them in my body.

Your words hold so much power. You can hurt with them, and you can hurt from them. You can build yourself up and others with just your words. Intentions and energy are key points in all of this. How you speak to each other and mostly how you think and speak to yourself plays a big role in your daily world!

“Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.”

Words have power. Their meaning crystallizes perceptions that shape your beliefs, drive your behavior, and ultimately, create your world. Their power arises from your emotional responses when you read, speak, or hear them.

Gratitude Challenge

What does this have to do with the power of words? I encourage you to connect to seeing the good. It is proven that you can’t think negative thoughts when you are thinking in gratitude and positive intentions. Give it a try.

Our words have the power to change your life. They are a reflection of what you give and receive. By paying more attention to how you speak, and how you think, you can change you circumstances for the better. The Power of the Spoken Word will help you make the positive changes that you’ve always wanted to make.

Choosing the Present

I used to spend so much of my life focused on anticipating what was coming, how I was going to feel, what may happen, or how I would react when something changed in my life. I would get caught up in preparing for change that seemed daunting, when in reality, it was a change that I often craved, and propelled me into a stage of life that I was yearning for.

I found that I was never really living in the moment, but simply waiting or moving fast. I found myself moving too fast, not taking breaks, working straight through every task, barely coming up for air throughout my entire day.

A few weeks ago, during a morning meditation, I was guided with the quote “sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” I sat for a moment, wondering how often I truly just allow myself to be, present, in the moment. How often do I truly let myself breathe, and just be?

We spend so much of our lives trying to rewrite our past, and predict our future, rather than living in the moment. Instead of being present in the time we will never get back. And when we allow ourselves to be present, that time doesn’t slip away as fast. When you begin to think about it, what else is there other than the present moment? Where are we, if we are anywhere, but the now?

Of course, it serves us well to reflect on our past, to learn from the growth, and to set intentions for our future. I’ve spent quite a bit of time reflecting on my 2021, to declare what I want to call in for 2022. When you take time to reflect, rather than rush to conclusions, you allow yourself to become clear.

After about a month of meditation, the word ‘integration’ settled in. We’ve all been through a lot, especially the last two years. But what I started to discover through this morning meditation, is that I’m truly yearning for more presence in my life. More time in the now.

Time to be with all the growth, the lessons, the musings. Time to just be in the moment, rather than rush through it, to the next thing, and forget it even happened.

It’s time to create space to pause. What can that space look like for you?

Maybe it’s time on the beach to watch the sunset. Time to sit at dinner with your family and laugh about traditions that have become so mundane they are comical 30 years later. Time to cherish the beautiful relationships you’ve built in your life that mean more than the things sitting in your closet. Time to be proud of the person you’ve become, and have always been. Time to put your phone on do not disturb and disconnect from the outside world, and go within.

Maybe presence is all about creating your own time.

Presence looks different for all of us. That’s the beauty of it. It doesn’t have to be defined by me, your partner, or your best friend. YOU get to define what presence looks like for you, in your life. You get to decide how to choose it, how to create it, and how to change it. You are the creator of your life and how you get to live it.

So, I ask you, can you choose to pause in the present? There may be no greater gift you can give yourself.

Bringing Mindfulness Into Your Everyday Life

How often do you feel joy? Genuine, inhibited joy? What if one simple activity could help you notice and create joy more often?

Mindfulness is a way to notice our thoughts, be patient with ourselves, and intentionally chose how we want to move forward. When we bring awareness into our daily activities we are able to actively seek the joy of being alive. Living mindfully also helps us to more easily take in the goodness that surrounds us each day. You learn to savor. You learn to be forgiving — especially to yourself.

It’s often thought that mediation means that you must quiet the mind completely, which can feel incredibly difficult — we are human after all. However, mindfulness and meditation are really about teaching us how to quiet distractions and just pay attention to the present moment. To forget about our to-do lists, a work conflict, or what you’re making for dinner that evening.

In meditation, I encourage you to choose to focus on one thing at a time. Notice your mind wandering away from the chosen anchor, and with kindness and compassion bring your awareness back. As we become better at focusing on the present moment, we gain a new awareness of the beautiful things that happen around us all the time. Plus, we spend less time ruminating about the past and fretting about the future.

3 tips to intentionally be mindful and begin a meditation practice

Micro-meditation

It is important to start your meditation practice in a way that feels realistic and accessible to you. So, feel empowered that micro-meditions are a thing. A micro-meditation is as little as one intentional breath or one full minute of thoughtful breathing. That’s it!

Take one thoughtful deep breath before or after a tough conversation. I promise it will make a difference.

When you wake up, do something that brings you joy

It has been shown that the way we start our day affects the way we end it. Instead of going straight to your phone answering emails or text messages, try to take a few deep belly breaths. Inhale through your nose until your belly is full with air and then loudly exhale out your mouth.

I encourage all people to take 30 minutes to an hour between the time they wake up and when they start their work for the day to do something mindful. And, by mindful, I mean just being totally present doing something you love. Something that brings you joy.

Mantras

Spoken words can be a great way to focus attention. One mantra we love is, “Peace begins *deep inhale, with me deep exhale* .”

Leave a post-it on your mirror to remind you of this mantra. Recite these simple words every morning and night, and throughout the day as needed.

Peace, joy, and lightness live within all of us. Meditation and mindfulness allow us to tap into a deeper sense of peace and joy. If you’re looking for guidance on these practices, our Realistic Self Care course aims to change the way your mind processes adversity. We will help you manage the everyday stressors of life with simple, actionable tools – to learn more visit our website.

The Key To Ending The Cycle Of People Pleasing

I will never forget when I began to say “no” more in my life. I turned down invitations and stopped responding to people that were toxic. Not only was it liberating, it freed up my time and gave me even more time to really think about what exactly I wanted. I simply stopped wasting my time on other people.

It was truly fascinating and kind of scary to start saying ‘no’ to invitations. I would realize that on a Saturday night (when socially, I was meant to be partying and drinking with friends) I actually had no plans except to sit at home and watch my favorite TV shows. It was a shock to my nervous system and I found myself very lonely at times. But being lonely was better than being overwhelmed. Being free on a Saturday night was better than having to go to something I hated.

You may be wondering what this has to do with people pleasing and ending the cycle in your life? The key to ending the cycle of people pleasing starts with relearning to say the first word most of us learn as babies, “no.”

It is such a simple word but it can have so much impact. It can deny, it can stop, it can do a lot of things. It can become your best friend. The reason we often stop using the word “no” is because when we were kids our parents wanted us to agree with them. When we said “no” we were considered rude or rebellious, so those of us who wanted love from our parents or caregivers stopped saying it.

However, as you grow up into adulthood, setting boundaries and saying “no” are foundations to living a happy and fulfilled life. People pleasers are often burnt-out, tired, and angry at the word. Do you feel any of these things?

So how do you set boundaries?

HERE ARE 4 EASY TOOLS TO BEGIN THE PROCESS

  1. You have to change your mindset.
    You have to get really clear about why you are a people pleaser. What happened as a child that created this mindset that you have to please everyone in your life? Write it out in a journal and be very clear about the origin of this behavior. This will help you as you begin to say “no” more in your life. You can remind yourself that it is not YOU but the programming from childhood that is occurring when you say yes.
  2. As invitations begin to flood in, always take a full day to decide whether you want to go or not.
    This is important because it will give you space away from that person plus it’s easier to say “Let me think about it” or “Hmm, I will check my calendar and get back to you” rather than a straight “no” to someone’s face. You can follow up with a text with a “no” which is much easier for some to handle or take your time to decide if the YES will bring you joy.
  3. For every invitation you say “yes” to, say “no” to two others for no reason.
    This is a great game to play with yourself when you are starting off. It will help you keep track of your progress and if anyone gets annoyed then you can blame it on me. Challenge yourself to put your mental health at the forefront, not your social life.
  4. Find the why behind your reluctance to say “no”.
    The #1 reason people don’t want to say “no” is because as children we were taught that if you did, your parents would chastise you for being rude. Because of this, you often are scared people will be angry or annoyed with you if you say “no” — but the truth is that most adults actually do respect each other’s boundaries and that most likely this reaction is something you’re projecting onto the other person because of programming from your childhood. And if the person is angry then explain to them your ‘why’ and if they don’t get it then it’s time to get better friends. This is why finding the reason “why” you have trouble with saying “no” can really help you stay on track.

You may even be thinking, what will I do with my time if I can commit to saying “no.” The answer is: something for YOURSELF.

Finally, you will have time to concentrate on you, your passions, your needs, your own self care. You can only truly embrace your next step in life when you free your time and begin to add in your own passions.

Use this time to start that hobby you are interested in, or that side hustle that you know will make you more money. Perhaps you can adjust to a longer morning or evening routine. You also choose to spend more time with the people you actually care about and love.

The possibilities are endless.

Time is a resource you can never get back. Use it wisely so start saying ‘no’!

Is Your Self-Talk Preventing You From Self-Care?

If you were to write all your thoughts down on an average day, would the majority of your self-talk be positive, neutral, or negative?

Negative self-talk is so common for so many that it isn’t even considered problematic. Perhaps it is even recognized as an appropriate response to your actions.

What if I told you that pervasive negative self-talk is a detriment to your ability to accomplish tasks and experience sustained well-being. Would you believe me if I told you that compassionate self-talk is an accessible daily practice you can do to reduce pervasive negative self-talk? Imagine what your life would look like if the majority of your thoughts become compassionate, kind, and motivating.

Now, try to imagine what our world would look like if the majority of people experienced thoughts that were compassionate, kind, and motivating.

Is it a world worth creating?

Dr. David Burns created a list of 10 common cognitive distortions, which he named Twisted Thinking. These twisted thoughts lead us to believe that our negative experiences are true.¹ When you begin to recognize these thoughts as twisted you can start to do the work of untwisting them so that you can give yourself appropriate self-care

THE PROCESS LOOKS LIKE THIS:
  1. Decide you want to have more thoughts that are compassionate, kind, and motivating

  2. Acknowledge when your thoughts are twisted

  3. Invite self-compassion because of the majority of us have been conditioned to have these cognitive distortions

  4. Explore alternative thoughts that acknowledge your inherent worth and value

  5. Take action from a of place compassion, kindness, and motivation

Use the guide below to begin to incorporate more compassionate, kind, and motivating thoughts and self-care practices into your daily life. You deserve it!

TWISTED THINKING

Definitions, Examples, and Alternatives

All or Nothing Thinking is looking at situations in absolutes. You put things in black-and-white categories.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I never accomplish my goals. I am always going to fail! I might as well give up, and binge watch tv for the rest of the week.”

Try to replace it with this, “That was not the success I was hoping for, but I did do ______ pretty well. I am going to rest, watch my favorite show, and then reevaluate a new plan to achieve my goals.”


Over-generalization is viewing a negative situation/event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “My body is always sore. I am terrified that I have a muscle or neurological defect!”

Try to replace it with this, “My body is sore, I am going to enjoy a warm shower, take a break from high-intensity workouts for the rest of the week, and then see it how it feels after.”


Mental Filter is when you ignore all the positives and only focus on the negatives.

When your first thought sounds something likes this, “I am so gross, ugly, and undeserving of love.”

Try to replace it with this, “All humans are inherently worthy, and that includes me. What are a few things I feel grateful for today?”


Discounting the Positives is a similar distortion where you insist that your accomplishments or positive attributes do not matter/count.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I was just lucky that I passed that class and graduated from college.”

Try to replace it with this, “A few things I learned that helped me finish assignments and study for tests include…”


Jumping to conclusions is when you conclude that everything is bad without having any evidence. This includes assuming that people are reacting negatively towards you (mind-reading) and predicting that things are going to turn out badly (fortune-telling)

When your first thought sounds something like this, “Everyone is looking at my funny, they must think I am so stupid.”

Try to replace it with this, “I am going to ask a friend or teacher for feedback after my presentation to see where I can improve.”


Magnification or Minimization is when you blow things out of proportion or make them seem less important.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “It’s okay that I didn’t eat dinner the past few nights, it’s just a meal.”

Try to replace it with this, “I am going to spend 15 minutes meal planning for the next week because I don’t want to make a habit of skipping meals.”


Emotional Reasoning is when you over-identify with your feelings at the moment.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I feel so hopeless, I must not be worthy of joy.”

Try to replace it with this, “Even though I am struggling with feeling hopeless right now, I acknowledge that this feeling will not last forever. Just like there was a time I didn’t feel hopeless, there will be a time in my future when I no longer feel hopeless.”


Should Statements is when you criticize yourself or others with “shoulds,” “shouldn’ts,” and “musts.”

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I should do all the things on my to-do list and if I don’t I am not healthy.”

Try to replace it with this, “I could do the things on my list today, but instead, I am going to take it easy today and pick one thing from the list that is most approachable/enjoyable.”


Labeling is when you define yourself by a behavior.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I ate all those Oreos today — I am disgusting.”

Try to replace it with this, “I am feeling gross because I decided to eat all those Oreos. I am going to call a friend to release some stress and eat a balanced dinner because my body is always deserving of a meal.”


Blame is when you take responsibility for something that you were not entirely responsible for.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I have no self-control and am incapable of reaching my goals.”

Try to replace it with this, “What are some external factors that are making it hard to reach my goals?”

The hope is that with the increased awareness of Twisted Thinking and the practice of compassionate self-talk, you will begin to see a positive transformation in your self-care practices. When you take proper care of yourself, you may also begin to see improved clarity of purpose, passions, and relationships.

So go! Be gentle and kind to yourself on your journey. Set the intention to unconditionally love and accept yourself even as you struggle, fumble, and fail. You are deserving of quality self-care, everyday, regardless of how you look or feel.