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Learning the Dance of Destiny

I believe that destiny is a combination— a delicate dance, if you will— of fate and free will.
A year or so ago, a client and I were discussing the concept of fate and free will, and the notion that we are meant to co-create our life with Spirit.

A metaphor came to mind, as they often do. If you know me, then you know I love a good metaphor.

“Think of google maps,” I said. “When you put in a location of where you want to go, it often offers you multiple routes to choose from. One with tolls, one with a scenic view, one with the fastest time. It gives you a choice of how you want to proceed.”

Maybe you decide you want to enjoy the trip, so you pick the scenic byway. You leave early so you have enough time. You start off enjoying the road, the views, the animals on the cliffs, and the slow pace up the winding hills. However, when you get three hours in, you realize you misread a sign a couple miles back, and the road ahead is closed (google maps hasn’t updated yet). In order to get to your destination, you’ll have to turn around, retrace your steps back to the main road and reroute. The new route, while it delays your trip and you’re not able to make the dinner reservation at the spot you have been waiting months for, takes you past the most incredible waterfall. “Not what I was expecting,” you think, “but this is so beautiful. I would have missed this if I hadn’t missed that sign.” It’s so off the beaten path that it feels like a piece of paradise, carved out just for you. It’s now dinner time and you’re starving.You pull over at the next restaurant you find, and sit down to eat at the bar next to a man in a blue cap that ends up being your future husband.

Or maybe you choose the fast route because you got stuck at the grocery store and lost of track of time, and you need to get there in time to make the dinner reservation. Driving down the highway, listening to the best music, you think, “Wow. I am having the time of my life.” Suddenly, sirens go off behind you. You look down to check the speedometer to make sure you’re going the speed limit. You are. Frustrated and upset as you pull off the road, you don’t see the nail that pops your tire. You might have made it on time before, but you are definitely going to miss your reservation now. The highway patrol begins to walk towards your car as you’re rolling down your window, wondering what could possibly go wrong next. “Did you know that your tail light is out, miss?” Your forehead hits the steering wheel, and you think, “just my luck.” Then, he notices that your tire is starting to deflate, and offers you a sympathetic smile. Tears running down your face, he lets you off with a warning. “I’ll call the tow truck, too,” he offers, letting you know that you should have the mechanic in the next town fix it along with your tires. After the tow truck arrives about an hour or so later, it takes you to the local repair shop. Inside you notice there’s someone else who has also had car troubles, a man in a blue cap who you bond with in mutual exasperation. After chatting for awhile he asks, “Any change you want to grab dinner near by?” He seems kind and friendly, and you feel drawn to him despite feeling like an utter mess. “Sure,” you think, “might as well.” It turns out this is the man you end up marrying.

Part of you wonders, “Hmmm, what would have happened if I took a different route?””
The truth is, whatever route we choose in life, there are going to be unexpected blessings, and unfortunate, inconvenient, and sometimes heartbreaking accidents.
There are certain, fated experiences that each of us must move through on a soul level. The detour. Meeting your future partner.

Fate is what happens in our life.
Free-will is the intentions we set and how we respond.
Destiny is the divine-unfolding of life, thus, a combination of the two. We don’t get a choice in the cards that we’re dealt but we do get to choose the way we meet them.

The journey is our choice

I like to think that we each have a series of checkpoints our soul must move through our path of self-discovery, personal freedom, and growth. There are certain experiences in our lives that are fated.

We may believe that choosing differently may change the outcome, but in the end we will always end up where we are meant to be. Choosing a different route does not mean we can always control what is meant to happen.

We do, however, have the opportunity to decide how we want to navigate through it all. I believe our greatest tool to do so with confidence and ease is our intuition, the gentle and calm inner knowing that lives in our heart and our gut.

Maybe, instead of missing a sign, getting pulled over, or getting a flat tire, we notice a gentle pulse in our being saying “take a different route” when we pass a sign for a beautiful waterfall and a small, quaint town with the best local burger (the restaurant we were always meant to end up).

Through trial and error, I have learned that the more we take time and create space to listen to our intuition, the stronger and clearer our intuition is and the more we trust it.

When doubt creeps in, I remind myself that I can’t make a wrong choice, what is meant for me will always find me, and I get to define my perspective of life and how I relate to it.

There’s a very human part of me that will likely always experience some type of apprehension and fear when it comes to life, and the unknowns that stretch out before me.

I have been through enough car crashes, driven along enough sketchy mountain roads, and had the rug ripped out from under me enough times, to never want to experience them again. For a long time, I figured there had to be a better way to navigate life, one where I could avoid more terrifying and life-altering experiences.

I tried to calculate, assess, and avoid to no avail. My worry, anguish, and stress, while understandable, did not change anything. They only increased the feeling that I was failing and participating in my own tragedy. I thought I was choosing wrong. I believed I was to blame.

I was not.

Our most important tools

We are not responsible or at fault for the awful, heartwrenching, tragic, and traumatic things that happen. While in the moment we might crave an answer, a reason, or even sink into blame, regret and what if, there is nothing we could have done to avoid fate. In these places, it is so important to sit with and to take care of ourselves in whatever way we need. This is our choice. This is our free-will and this is where we reclaim our power and agency.

We are not and were never the designer of misfortune in our lives.

So now, I hold space for the human emotions that arise when fate crosses my path with support of tools that remind me of my free-will, that allow me to dance with fate and participate in creating my destiny.

I collect tools to help me do so including Reiki, movement, tarot, therapy, friends, meditation, affirmations, and journaling. However my favorite by far is my intuition and all of the other tools lead me back to it.

Our intuition as is our greatest asset. It allows us to know what we really want to choose. It is the voice of the soul self. So, when we encounter new and unfamiliar terrain, we know how we want to navigate it.

When I ignore my intuition and mistrust, I move through my checkpoints feeling completely out of control. So utterly helpless. It just made the experiences worse. I felt like I was constantly playing catch up and trying to avoid whatever unfortunate event showed up on my path next. I missed the flowers. I missed the sunsets. I missed the unexpected, hidden waterfalls. I didn’t even go out in search of them as I do now.

I had forgotten my free-will. I did not know I could listen or connect to what felt safe, right, and best, and then intuitively choose. I had decided that I could not be trusted. It turns out, that was one of the most important checkpoints I have ever moved through. It brought me here.

From it, I learned that my life is both in my control and it is not. I learned and continue to learn that when I invest in loving and trusting myself, I feel better and happier.

I discovered my ability to relate, connect, love, and shift my perspective of life to one that constantly takes me into a deeper relationship with myself no matter how much I might really hate the experience at the time.

And they say that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

The times I hated it (and still hate it), the times that my ego screams at the growth, frustrated, pissed, angry, raging, indignent, and throwing a full on temper tantrum, I was transformed into who I am today.

I fought and surrendered for her.

I love her.

The more I trust her, the more confident I am in my ability to face these fated moments head on, knowing that they will be moments of personal growth and expansion.

Each day, I am given a new road map. I listen to myself and my intuition and I choose what I want to do. Where do I want to go? Do I really need to go there? If the answer is yes, which route should I take?

I cultivate and pursue deep and radical honesty. Underneath, I find a soul-freeing transparency of what I really need so that I can trust my yes, my no, and my wait.

I listen. I rest. I do. I move. I pause. I keep going.

(Remember: every one of those words is an active verb, something we choose to do).

Finding your Destiny

Each person’s road map is going to be different. Each person’s roadblocks and reroutes are going to be different. Each person’s choices are going to be different.

We always get to define our experience of fate. We get to choose to consciously relate to it or skate by it and wake up realizing we’ve missed the beauty and the rawness of life all in the hopes of avoiding discomfort and pain.

We get to actively engage in our lives and dance with it. The more we do, the more free we will feel. The more we will realize we are crafting our own destiny.

Destiny = fate + free-will.

I believe life is about finding the freedom in the balance of what we can control and what we cannot.

We have the opportunity to craft a deep and unbreakable relationship with ourselves and our souls so that we know we are constantly making the next best, most authentic, intuitive, soulful and honest choices. So that we trust that life is unfolding exactly as it’s meant to even when it does not feel like it. So that we always have our own back.

“Spirit, grant me the serenity to change what I cannot accept, accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

New, Spiritual
Aug, 08, 2023

An Emotional Toolkit for Processing Grief

We’ve all heard of the five stages of grief, and if you haven’t, they are as follows:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

The reality of grief, though, is that those five stages don’t occur one at a time, nor in a particular, organized order. Experiencing grief through loss of a loved one can feel messy, and even if we get to a point of acceptance, the emotions never really go away. We learn to grow around that hole inside of us and adapt to better ways to carry it by building an emotional toolkit within ourselves to cope.

At the time of writing this it has been one year and eight months since my father passed suddenly. I am not a stranger to death, but his death was the first that was the double whammy of being within my immediate family and was completely unexpected. Even writing the words now I still feel a jolt of denial running through me. Leading up to the funeral there was immediate support that helped me through those first couple of weeks, but since then I’ve struggled to find resources to help me through what I call “the messy middle”. I’m very fortunate to have finally found a great therapist to help me work through things, but it’s taken months for me to meet my insurance deductible, and unfortunately I have had health insurance plans that don’t cover therapy. So many resources are not available to everyone and while I could go on a full on rant about the American Healthcare system and mental healthcare, I’d rather share what tools I have compiled within my tool kit in hopes that it might help anyone else out there that are conducting the same google searches that I did. Without further ado, here is my emotional toolkit broken down by the five stages of grief.

Tools for Denial

Denial can be one of the most uncomfortable stages. I have seen it begin to present itself even before a death has occurred. When there is a loved one who is aging or battling a terminal diagnosis, there is a denial to even discuss the reality of the matter. I’ve seen how this leads to refusal to make plans for funerals or final wishes for care. I’ve seen it with family members who were suffering from dementia, and the confusion and anger that can arise from denial that simply doesn’t help anyone.

The best thing that I have found to help with this is communication. Whether that is talking to a therapist, reminiscing with loved ones, or even journaling. Talking about it, as uncomfortable as it might feel, really allows the truth to sink in. Personally, I have found Journaling to be the most cathartic form of communication because when I write in my journal I am communicating with myself and doing an internal check-in. It gets everything out of my head and in front of me, allowing the organization of my thoughts and feelings. Once I have purged those feelings, there is an introspective clarity that allows me to reflect deeply on this new reality.

Tools for Anger

For years I have struggled with this emotion. In my household it was always my dad that was allowed to be angry, never anyone else, so I never developed the tools to manage anger. it will fester inside of me, growing into resentment.

I have been in therapy long before my dad’s passing working on this and the best resource that I have found for anger (and for many other overwhelming emotions) is the Feelings Wheel. I. Love. This. Thing. I print out a copy and keep it on hand and I recommend it to everyone that I can. I’ve found that looking at the feeling wheel to pinpoint what emotions I’m feeling, putting a name to those emotions can help greatly with dissolving them as I usually realize that I am not really angry, but I am fearful or hurt. If, while looking at it, you realize that the emotions you’re feeling are coming from multiple different color sections, it’s confirmation that conflicting feelings can feel completely overwhelming.

I’ve had moments where just looking at it and being able to say what I am feeling relieves those feelings, and new ones come through as there is usually something deeper to unpack there.

Sometimes, though, when I am feeling especially angry though,just looking at the feeling wheel isn’t enough. I resort to physical movement to help me disperse those feelings. I put on a playlist, and move my body. A 2000’s throwback playlist for when I rage clean my home or to finish a project that I’ve been procrastinating doing, a rap heavy, hip hop playlist when I’m in my yard gardening, or some house music remixes with a good bass line when I’m at the gym. Ultimately, any way that you can redirect that energy in your mind into physical movement.

Tools for Bargaining

I haven’t dealt with this too much from my dad’s passing, for me it probably presents more as guilt, but I have still seen it first hand. I had an Ex whose dad was slowly losing a long battle with cancer. I saw the family desperately wanting him to fight and keep receiving treatment. He kept receiving treatment and trying to inject humor into all the side effects that he was suffering from. This can go hand in hand with Denial and can have detrimental long term effects.

The best tool for someone to cope with Bargaining can be vastly different from person to person. As a tool, from my experience to work through this is general wellness practices. I’ve listened to pretty much all of Brené Brown’s audio books, her podcasts, and podcasts of the people she’s had on as guests. I highly recommend her book Atlas of the Heart. I’ve listened to that audio book so many times because she will say one thing, and I’m sitting there processing something for so long that I miss something else she has said. I have to pause and sit there for a minute. Her podcasts have a lot of similar information and are free on Spotify, iTunes, iHeartRadio, and I think most streaming platforms, and her TED talks are available on YouTube. There are endless amounts of ways to consume her content and there are many others like her out there as well, like Marc Maron, or Mel Robbins.

Tools for Depression

The slippery slope of Depression can be a tough climb, and for those who suffer from it chronically, grief is like adding more oil to that slope, making it harder to get out of a depressive episode. This is where knowledge of the Spoon Theory can help. The idea of the Spoon Theory is that spoons are the currency needed to perform tasks to get through your day, and people without a disability or chronic illness (depression included) wake up and have enough spoons to get through their day. Getting ready for work = 1 spoon. Preparing and eating a meal = 1 spoon. People struggling with disability or illness require more spoons to complete the same tasks. Getting out of bed = 1 spoon, getting dressed = 1 spoon, brushing your hair and teeth = 1 spoon. Grocery Shopping = 1 spoon, prepping your vegetables = 1 spoon, cooking those vegetables = 1 spoon, and the act of actually eating (sometimes even when you don’t have any appetite) = 1 spoon. In other terms,something that takes 1 spoon for someone might take at least 3 spoons for others.

This is where cutting some corners and taking short cuts has been the most helpful tool for my depression – making tasks as simple as possible. I get packaged meal replacement shakes or protein shakes with the lowest sugar content I can find. I buy frozen dinners, or boxes of mac and cheese. I buy pre-chopped fresh or frozen bags of veggies that can be steamed in their bag. Trader Joe’s has bags of brown rice in their freezer section that take three minutes in the microwave, in the bag they come in, that are perfectly portioned. These shortcuts allow me to still eat healthier balanced meals, and stay away from the highly processed fast food options as much as I can. Although I still hit up the McDonalds drive through once in a while for efficiency when I am out of the house trying to get errands done, and I know I haven’t eaten all day. Giving your body fuel is probably the most important thing you can do, and the healthier the choice, the more energy you have to then take care of yourself in otherways. For you, it could be washing your hair when you’ve been getting by with dry shampoo, or catching up on washing laundry, even if you aren’t able to fold it and put it away. The point is that it is okay to do the bare minimum.

Tools for Acceptance

Acceptance can feel like the finish line in a journey through the five stages of grief, so what tools would you really need here? Isn’t the point to get to a point of acceptance?

Once you find yourself in a place of acceptance, though, it’s more about continuing on with your life and honoring those who you have lost. For me and my siblings we do every Thanksgiving. My parents were divorced growing up and my dad had a hard time with the holidays. He insisted that even if we were having thanksgiving with my mom, that we could still spend the morning with him, going to the Thanksgiving Parade in downtown Chicago, then getting potato pancakes, bratwurst, and gluhwein at the Christkindl Market. In reality he was always late to pick us up, and we would make it to the parade just in time to see the last float with Santa, and my dad would scream for the man in the red suit, still trying to embarrass us like we were teenagers, but there was always time for the food and drink after. Now, we honor his memory by skipping the parade and going straight to the Christkindl Market right when they open. We share plates of pancakes smothered in applesauce and sour cream and toast our mugs of warm spiced wine together. Our commitment to honoring him is what is important, and we all have developed our own ways to honor him separately as well.

The road beyond

I’ll throw in one last tool that I have found to be the most impactful for myself and it may not even be applicable to everyone, but sobriety has helped give me so much more strength on my journey through grief. It’s probably pretty straight forward since alcohol is a depressant but it has helped in so many other ways that I didn’t expect. First, when the pandemic started my alcohol consumption pretty much doubled. Then my grandpa passed away from old age and I was helping my grandpa with the hospice care. My grandparents are pretty old fashioned and always had to have a cocktail at 5pm every day. I started having health issues like high blood pressure. Then my dad had his first and last heart attack – I started drinking even more. Then I lost my job. I was about to turn 30 and felt like my life was starting to fall apart. I went on a family trip where I was drinking every day and I got home from that trip feeling like absolute crap. I decided that drinking wasn’t working for me anymore. I made that decision almost a year ago. My high blood pressure returned to balance , and I realized how much I was abusing alcohol to cope. My grief journey still has a long road ahead of me and I still am working on it but, through sobriety I’ve realized it was actually harder to make progress with a drink in my hand.

Whatever type of grief you’re dealing with there are always resources available, and it can be hard to figure out what works best. There’s nothing wrong with trial and error as we are all different and our bodies deal with these strong emotions differently. Of course if you are ever feeling an unmanageable amount of hopelessness and despair, or struggling with other feelings of depression, there is a great list of hotlines to help you through any sort of mental health crisis you might be dealing with. (https://www.psycom.net/get-help-mental-health#united-states) to call, free of charge, where you can talk to trained professionals who will be able to provide you with other resources as well. There is no shame in giving those numbers a call and even just talking to a stranger for five minutes can help. I’ve called before when I was in a spiral and felt like there was no one I could talk to. No matter what you’re going through on your grief journey, and no matter how alone you feel, know that as a stranger on the internet who doesn’t even know you, I am rooting for you on your journey through grief.

Emotional Health, New
Jun, 28, 2023

The Healing Benefits of Travel: Discover the Transformative Power of Exploring the World

"Traveling is not about the destination, but the journey itself."

-unknown

Taking the time to travel in today’s fast-paced and demanding environment is not merely a luxury; rather, it is an investment in our general health and well-being. The incredible power that travel possesses to heal and transform us on various levels, encouraging mental, emotional, and physical well-being, It’s a catalyst for profound personal growth and well-being. It can help us discover how venturing beyond our comfort zones can positively transform us. It encourages us to adapt, learn, and grow. As we navigate through the unknown, we develop resilience, resourcefulness, and problem-solving skills. By embracing these challenges, we discover our inner strength and potential, fostering personal development and self-growth. It inspires us to take a step into the unknown, whether that be attempting new things, partaking in daring pursuits, or conversing with people we do not know. We learn about our capabilities, grow in confidence, and overcome self-limiting ideas when we are forced to do things that are outside of our comfort zones. This empowerment extends well beyond the confines of travel experiences and gives us the ability to take on new challenges in our day-to-day lives.

Nurturing Mental Well-being

Traveling allows us to take a break from our normal routine and reawaken our sense of adventure while simultaneously opening a whole new world of unique experiences, cultures, and perspectives. Because of this stimulus, there has been a marked improvement in the state of our mental health. Such examples include:

Stepping outside of our comfort zone which helps to stimulate our thoughts, inspires us to think in novel ways, and ignites our creative potential.

Taking in new sights, sounds, and experiences, as well as interacting with new people, can spark original thoughts and open new creative channels, which is beneficial for creative types like authors, painters, and anybody else looking to expand their horizons.

Getting away from the things that cause us stress every day and placing ourselves in an unfamiliar setting can result in a sizable decrease in the amount of tension we feel. This can also contribute to an improvement in our mood. Dopamine, also known as the “feel-good” hormone, is sent into the bloodstream when a person experiences pleasant emotions, such as enthusiasm and anticipation, related to an upcoming trip.

I try not to leave a trip until I have my next one planned. It gives me something to look forward to. You are always with yourself, no matter where you go, but I have found I love myself the most when I am traveling. It brings out the best in me! The experience of being exposed to a variety of cultures and points of view forces us to reevaluate our preconceived assumptions and broadens our understanding of the world. Having a greater understanding of other cultures helps cultivate empathy, tolerance, and a more open-minded outlook on life.

Embracing emotional wellness travel has the capacity to elicit a variety of feelings, which can provide possibilities for personal development and emotional wellness. The following are some of the ways in which travel can have a positive impact on our emotional landscape:

Nourishment of the physical body

Although travel is not necessarily synonymous with strenuous physical activity, it does provide countless opportunities for refreshing and reviving the bodies of those who partake in it. The following are some of the ways that traveling can improve our physical well-being: Physical activity: traveling generally entails some form of physical activity, whether it be hiking through gorgeous landscapes, exploring historic ruins, or simply meandering around busy cities. Participating in these activities can help improve cardiovascular health, muscle strength, and general fitness. Spending time in natural settings has been shown to have positive effects on both a person’s physical and mental health, according to several studies. We can reestablish a connection with the restorative properties of nature when we take a trip to a natural marvel, a national park, or a tranquil beach area. This helps us feel less stressed and more relaxed. Experimenting with new cuisines and savoring regional specialties is an essential component of vacationing and traveling in general. Our nutritional well-being can be improved through the experience of a wider variety of flavors and fresh, healthy products, which can also help us develop healthier eating habits and broaden our palette.

The therapeutic benefits of travel go much beyond the typical expectations of vacationing, such as pleasure and sight-seeing. Our mental, emotional, and physical well-being are all nourished by it, and as a result, we are able to reestablish a connection with both ourselves and the world around us. There is no denying the transforming potential that travel possesses, which includes the ability to foster our creativity, alleviate stress, cultivate our resilience, and improve our physical health. Consequently, let us delight in the marvels of discovery, strike forth into the void, and discover what is beyond.

Introspection and self-reflection are encouraged when you are in unfamiliar surroundings. Being in an unfamiliar environment stimulates introspection and reflection. Away from the interruptions of day-to-day life, we can reevaluate our priorities, reacquaint ourselves with our interests, and acquire greater insight into the direction our lives should go. Conquering challenges helps one develop self-confidence, adaptability, and a greater capability to deal with the challenges that life throws at them. Traveling offers a plethora of possibilities for engaging in social activities and making new relationships with people from all walks of life. The act of interacting with new people, learning about their backgrounds, and exchanging life experiences might help us feel more at home in the world and improve our social well-being.

Travel is more than a destination

For me personally, travel is so much more than just a vacation. I have traveled to spread my twin boys’ ashes, who passed away after two hours of life. Hawaii is one of my favorite places on Earth. I was fortunate enough to travel there often with my family, and I hold such fond memories. It seemed like the perfect place to spread my twins’ ashes. Now, when I go back, I feel they are with me. I get to go sit at the beach and remember how much love we had for them and imagine what they would be doing if they were still alive with me on this beach.

I also traveled across the country during the pandemic to adopt a baby and got to push myself emotionally more than I ever thought was possible. Walking through an empty airport with an empty car seat was a surreal experience. I could only hope our birth mom would decide to place her baby with us to adopt and that I would fly home with a baby! The main things I have experienced while traveling are the following: stress reduction, mental and emotional renewal, personal growth, self-reflection, cultural appreciation, and global awareness.

Traveling allows us to escape the pressures and demands of everyday life. By breaking free from routine, exploring new environments, and immersing ourselves in new experiences, we can significantly reduce stress levels and promote relaxation. The change of scenery, the absence of responsibilities, and the opportunity to disconnect from work or personal challenges create a rejuvenating and calming effect. Traveling also has the power to invigorate our minds and emotions. It offers a break from the monotony of daily life and introduces us to novel experiences, cultures, and perspectives. This exposure stimulates our curiosity, ignites our creativity, and broadens our worldview. As a result, we experience a renewed sense of inspiration, motivation, and enthusiasm.

Additionally, I have found that stepping outside of our comfort zones and immersing ourselves in new environments fosters personal growth and self-reflection. Travel provides opportunities for self-discovery as we encounter new situations and challenge our beliefs and assumptions. By navigating unfamiliar territories, interacting with different people, and embracing novel experiences, we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our place in the world. It also allows us to experience the richness and diversity of cultures around the world. Through firsthand encounters with different traditions, languages, customs, and cuisines, we develop a greater appreciation and respect for cultural diversity. This exposure fosters empathy, compassion, and a sense of global awareness, nurturing our social connections and promoting harmony among diverse communities. It offers unique opportunities to connect with others and build meaningful relationships. Whether it’s bonding with fellow travelers, engaging with locals, or forging connections with people from different backgrounds, these interactions enrich our social lives and provide a sense of belonging. Cultivating new friendships and building cross-cultural connections can enhance our emotional well-being and create lasting memories.

Travel offers a holistic healing experience by reducing stress, stimulating personal growth, fostering cultural appreciation, promoting physical well-being, nurturing social connections, and enhancing our perspective and adaptability. Embracing the transformative power of travel can truly enrich our lives and contribute to our overall well-being.

“Traveling is therapy for the soul."

-unknown

New, travel
Jun, 13, 2023

Learning the Process: Grief with Guilt

It seems like more and more people are working to protect their peace, and for many of us that includes going no contact with friends, family, and even parents. The worry and anxiety that can follow that is overwhelming, and what do you do when there are curveball thrown your way while trying to manage an estranged relationship?

You see, I’ve got an exclusive membership that I don’t want. It’s not illustrious or anything, there’s no wait list, and it’s certainly not envied by anyone that I know. I’m a card carrying member of the “Dead Dad Club”. The hardest part of being in the club is that prior to joining I had been in therapy working on re-parenting myself and healing my inner child, when my brother showed up at my apartment one Monday morning in October, a cloud hung low above his head, with the news that granted me access to this club.

My father and I had a tricky relationship since adolescence and as an adult I was focused on managing the relationship as best as I could within a space that was healthy for me, which resulted in on and off periods of estrangement. We were in one of those periods when he passed suddenly and unexpectedly. There are times when I feel thrust back into those weeks following his death, when I forget that he isn’t just living in Florida, and that I haven’t heard from him in a while. As Kacey Musgraves sings in her song Justified, released the same year I lost my dad, “healing doesn’t happen in a straight line” and I had expected my journey through this grief to at least be some sort of roller coaster ride with highs and lows, but to at least have some sort of flow, but there are moments when I blink and I am back at the starting line.

The unexpected stage of grief

We all know the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. No one goes through a picture perfect grief period however, and those stages come and go in whichever order they please. On my personal grief journey, wedged in there somewhere between Anger and Depression, is Guilt. Everytime I find myself in that phase, it’s almost like there is a separate group of stages compounded on that, where the normal stages of grief come to screeching halt, and I have to put all my attention on working through the guilt before I can allow my body and mind to get back to processing the grief.

I feel an everlasting amount of guilt that the last few times that we had communicated he was angry with me. I had been trying to set some boundaries with him while I worked through things in therapy, and he was not happy with it one bit. He always struggled with boundaries, and took them personally. My mom and him had been divorced for years but she still held out hope that if I kept explaining my boundaries to him that one day, a light bulb would go off and he would get it. That was a feeling that was hard to let go of while he was living, and I thought I had, but when he died I had realized how wrong I was. My dad was one of mushy-love kind of parents while my mom wasn’t as attached her own emotions, so from my Dad it always felt over the top, but he always had to tell us how much he loved us, so that if anything ever happened, the last thing said between us was from a place of love.

My first introduction to guilt within this personalized grieving process came pretty quickly in the week after. It started as a little intrusive voice in my head, telling me that I wasn’t allowed to feel so sad, because my dad and I weren’t even talking in the year before his death. In therapy I had been coming to terms with the potential that my dad might not ever be able to respect my boundaries, and that he might not ever be able to be welcomed back into my life. I was already grieving the death of the relationship that I wanted to have with my dad, and in some way I felt that others were more justified in their grief. It had been me that was pushing him away, and because of that, I wasn’t worthy of being equals with my siblings as we walked behind his casket in church. I was there to support them, but as the estranged daughter, I was the odd one out. There was guilt the first time I genuinely laughed after his death. The first fathers day, on his birthday, on the first anniversary of his passing. The biggest was when I was moving into my first home, since my dad was a borderline professional mover. He could always be counted on to rent the truck and show up, ready to haul boxes and furniture.

Forgiveness is healing

The cycle of the stages of guilt, within the stages of grief, are still there but I have learned the hard lesson of how to better process those feelings. There is always the glimmer of guilt that I could have done better at maintaining that relationship, that I could have told him one last time that I still loved him, even though I needed space. That I could have explained more clearly that my boundaries were an effort to maintain the relationship, that they were not designed to hurt him. I remind myself that I did the best I could as the child within the relationship, that the anger I felt towards him is the anger from my inner Teenager after healing the inner child, and to give grace to that inner version of myself, to find “therapeutic forgiveness”, as my therapist calls it. I am here now, and the person that I would ask for forgiveness from for that, is no longer living. So as I am working on my own reparenting, I must also now forgive myself in his absence.

New, Personal Story, Relationships
May, 26, 2023

From Bullied to Empowered

There are two natural responses children react to when they feel threatened, uneasy or in danger; they are the same reactions that follow us into our adulthood, and we defer to them when we do not have the tools or resources to change our behavior. They are our norm.

We call it fight or flight.

When we are in fight mode, we are defensive, aggressive, outwardly dominant but inwardly, deeply insecure. We defer to this reaction because it gives us comfort, and we feel that we do not have anyone to protect our best interests so we must be our own heroes.

If we are in flight mode, we run away from conflict or anything that requires us to be our own advocate. We may shrink ourselves, hide from others, and we are viewed as weak, fake, or possibly frail. We are prone to be targets of those who are more powerful, dominant and ego-driven because we do not have a voice and rely on those who do to make our decisions for us.

Running from myself and others has always been my kryptonite; as a child who was morbidly obese, I stuck out from my peers like a sore thumb, and I ran from confrontation. I desperately tried to blend into my environment so that I would not draw unwanted and unnecessary attention to myself because the attention that I received felt like a hammer to my soul. I was mocked. I was teased. I was told that I was worthless, and my frail ego believed it.

As a creative child, I believed I could be anything, and there was nothing that could stop me from being all that my heart desired – except the opinions of others. Twelve-year old me didn’t understand why no one liked what I had to say – they laughed when I spoke, so I shielded my voice, and they poked fun of how I looked so I wore clothes three times my size to drown me away.

The insecurities bled into my adulthood. I desired friendship, companionship, and any type of connection with whomever gave me the time of the day, and this led me on a journey of a decade’s worth of pain in my twenties that catapulted me into an emotional and mental breakdown.

This led me on the journey of discovering who I truly was; the road to my divinity (finding my power within) began with a conscious choice to treat myself the way I wished I had been treated as a child: with kindness, patience, and unwavering love.

Sometimes, that is what is required from us all: to treat ourselves the way we wished others would have.

There will come a time that the fight or flight reactions that we have kept from our childhood to protect us will be the tipping point in our adulthood to guide us to the awareness of where we are internally hurting and where we need to properly care for certain spaces within us that we have chosen to push aside, and ignore for far too long.

If you find yourself struggling in a state of fight or flight, your soul is asking you to dig deeper so that the truth of who you are can be revealed.

To be of fight and flight is to live in a life of disempowerment; we are disengaged from our true nature, from our strengths, and our divinity; to find the power within you, within us all, requires willingness of the heart to rediscover the truth of who we are.

Are you ready to live an empowered life?

Sometimes, that is what is required from us all: to treat ourselves the way we wished others would have.

The Dis-ease Within

How do you know if you are living a life disassociated from your core desires? What separates you from knowing that you are unhappy, and living in a space of denial? What is the key to changing your reality from a space of lack to a space of wholeness?

Awareness.

Everything begins with awareness. If you live in a state of awareness, you are able to see your life from the perspective of being an active participant in your experiences versus just letting life happen to you. Case in point, if you are at a job that is unfulfilling, you may experience stress-related illnesses, you may suffer from anxiety, panic attacks and possibly depression – a person who is unaware may continue to live in the space of compromising their wellbeing to stay within the status quo.

Whereas, the process of awareness will have someone questioning the correlation to their illnesses, their wellbeing, and their current unfulfilling job.

What brings us dis-ease always stems from a root. A cause. Life will show up (as it always does), and give us signs to hint to our discomfort, or to show us where we are not aligning in our truth, and if we ignore those signs, they become bigger problems, and those problems can turn into storms that we can no longer possibly ignore.

The storm can show up as us losing that job, that house, that relationship, or receiving a massive rejection or heartbreak that cripples us…. the storm requires us to deal with what we have refused to acknowledge within ourselves for so long.

If we decide we are willing to go deeper, we can begin to ask ourselves difficult questions:

Why do I feel this way?
When did these feelings start to surface?
Am I honoring myself?
Am I living for others?
Am I truly happy with my life right now as it is?
If not, what is blocking my joy right now?

These questions may be uncomfortable because the awareness causes us to be unapologetically honest with our truth, and that truth may be completely different than the current reality that we are residing in.

Who wants to admit that the life that they are living may not be one that they really desire?
When I was living a life for others, I suffered deeply from panic attacks, codependency and low self-esteem – the connections that I surrounded myself with reflected my discomfort within, the job that I worked aided in my depression…peeling back the layers of my pain, I recognized that I had been living for everyone else but myself, and that my dis-ease within was manifested by ignoring my heart’s desires.

The heart deserves to be heard, and if we do not listen closely…if we ignore our heart, we ignore our inner guidance to a life that is in alignment with who we are out our core. To hear the heart begins with honoring the awareness of your discomfort, and then venturing into a journey of coming back to the authenticity of you.

Unlearning & Relearning

When we were babies, we were innocent, naïve, and fearless; we lived life in the space of wonderment and bewilderment. There was nothing that we could not do or face. We were bold, our dreams and desires were imprinted on us from the moment that we were formed in the wombs. We were all born with our character traits, our needs, our wants so what happens when we grow up as adults, and we live in a space separate from our desires, our needs and our wants?

It’s the external programming. It’s the learning. It’s the layers of beliefs that are placed upon us as babies, children and young adults from our families, our friends and society; instead of living a life that we were intended to live by showing up in our power (the power that was given to us at the inception of our creation), we adapt and mold ourselves into what fits society standards.

We dim parts of our dreams.

We quiet our voices.

We attempt to fit in rather than stand out.

We conform.

We adapt.

We accept jobs that go against our desires.

We compromise our needs in relationships to soothe what was never given or lost to us as children.

And, then the pain surfaces…the anxiety, the panic attacks, and the depression.

Our identity has been built upon layers of what others may want from us, and to reidentify with the core desires of our hearts requires us to unlearn the programming that we have subscribed our souls to for the entirety of our lives.

Is it simple? Hell no but if you are able to live a life that is not your truth for decades, you can certainly learn to live a life that is in alignment with who you really are; it begins and ends with the mind.

What we believe, we shall be. If you are told that you must be a certain way to be accepted (ex: dress this way, look this way, talk this way, go to this school, marry this person, live this life), you form a belief about yourself. A limiting belief inherently communicates to your soul that who you are is not enough and you must be something else to be deemed worthy of good things. That limiting belief becomes our identity. We form our lives, our choices and our decisions around that limiting belief.

To undo the belief requires a discipline of how your mind works, and a conscious choice to welcome positivity into your life.

It sounds easier than it is, but the method works. Just listen to Oprah Winfrey. Eckhart Tolle. Michael Singer. Paulo Coehlo.

Every spiritual teacher asks:

How do you get up in the morning? How do you move throughout your day? How do you interact with others?

Do you simply exist within this life or do you actively move with intention?

To live a life of intention shows up in how you choose to see yourself, speak about yourself, how you feel about yourself, and what you give your energy to; if you are welcoming positivity, love, and compassion into your space on a consistent, daily basis, you are actively reprogramming your soul to see your life from the perception of love, and if love is there…you begin to peel away the layers of what others may want for you, and align to the voice of who you really are.

The voice that was imprinted within you in the womb. The voice that is here to guide you, protect you, and align you back to the desires of your heart.

The journey to you begins and ends with LOVE.

Welcome LOVE!

What we do everyday – how we show up – how we interact with others – how we see ourselves – becomes our reality. What you do now becomes your tomorrow. If we are aware that our current reality is a byproduct of our daily inner monologue then would we be more intentional about how we choose to live?

After being bullied as a child for being overweight, I chased adoration as an adult until it led me down a path of deep loneliness, despair and anguish. I lived a life that was created by a falsehood…I created my reality by lying to myself daily. One day, I became tired of living a life that felt incredibly painful to keep up with.

What I began to understand about learning to eliminate negative past beliefs about myself was that it required an overwhelming amount of patience, love, and compassion…but not from others…

This was required of myself.

If we are to challenge our status quo, we need to learn a new way of being, of thinking, and of living.

Coaches will tell you that you need to adapt a new mindset. Healers will say that you need to work on yourself. Therapists will tell you that you need to get to the root of those negative beliefs/reactions. They all say use different terminologies, but the underlying message remains the same: use love, and your life will begin to change for one that’s in alignment with your truth.

How can you welcome love into your space?

The journey of discovering yourself is never-ending. There is no right or wrong way to becoming your most, true, authentic self but there are things that you can implement into your life on a consistent basis that will help ignite a deeper, understanding of who you are and what you desire.

I call it living life from your five senses: touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound.

Find a ritual that stimulates your five senses in a way that welcomes more love into your spirit; for example, if you are listening to music, podcasts or audible books that are encouraging, uplifting and loving – your mind becomes adapted to the messaging that you are feeding it daily – a message of love, a message of growth, and a message of change – as time passes, you will notice that your reality is shifting by what you are feeding your spirit on a daily basis.

What can you do daily that feeds your mind, your spirit and your body?

In my case, I wake up daily to looking myself in the mirror and speaking loving affirmations to myself (using sight and sound) to nourish my wellbeing, and then I may some play music (preferably Lizzo) that reminds me that I’m a badass woman, flaws and all, as I feed my body with food that feels good to my soul or maybe I listen to an empowering podcast about self-love and how to shift from my current state of being into a life I desire.

My rituals change daily by how I feel (because let’s be real – we’re not always happy!) but the effort I have put into how I treat myself with my five senses has equated to living a life that has opened doors of miraculous opportunities; I lived a life of denial for so long that now, learning to love myself on my own terms, relearning the truth of who I am, life has granted me the opportunity of having experiences that reflect my inner work.

I’ve connected with souls who see me for who I am and accept me. I have written books. I have traveled. I teach others how to align to their authentic truth. I found love, lost it, healed, and then learned to find love again…but with myself first. I have found my voice, and while it is not for everyone – it is mine, and I won’t ever quiet myself again. I have pulled back the layers of people pleasing, self-sabotage, and depression to reconnect with my heart space again…

The one I was granted with in my mother’s womb. The one I lost when I was a child…I have found her again.

That’s the gift that is given when we rediscover ourselves. Our joy. Our power. Our light. We find a way back to who we were as children. We find our way back home.

It is on us to decide to release the programming from our past and create an intentional life of what we want to experience.

Life isn’t happening to us, it is happening for us, and if we are willing to be conscious participants in our experiences, we will find that we are more susceptible to such magical, loving, and truly beautiful moments that reflect the love that we have created internally within ourselves.

How much LOVE are you willing to give yourself? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? How much are you willing to fill your cup so that you may live a life of empowerment?

The choice is yours.

New, Wellness
May, 23, 2023

Breaking the Chains of Chronic Illness

Illness. That word can have different meanings to many. It can be getting sick with an acute onset of something such as the flu or strep throat, you go to the doctor, get some meds and you’re better in a couple of days. Or it can be an acute onset of something such as appendicitis, you go to the hospital, get surgical intervention, and then two weeks later your good as new. Chronic illness, however, is an entirely different animal.

Chronic illness is when nothing gets better, you’re going from doctor to doctor, treatment to treatment and it can take years to really find the problem, and if you are lucky enough to find the root cause of the illness, it most likely requires medications that can cause unbearable side effects. It becomes a never ending circle. Chronic is life long. And if I am being honest, I never really gave much thought to people with chronic illness, naively, I did not realize it existed, to the staggering amount of numbers it is at today. I thought of it as rare… and then it happened to my youngest daughter…and then my oldest not long after.

The beginning

My youngest daughter at 15 started to experience pain and extreme redness in her feet and legs while walking or standing. It started out very sporadic, though I thought it was odd, it was not happening enough to really be concerned. Until, it did. The pain started increasing and it got to the point where the pain was becoming a part of her daily life. That began the journey for her and our family to find out what was happening. I could probably write an entire book alone, on the beginning of our journey. We began searching the best area hospitals, Mayo Clinic, a number of different doctors that each helped in her diagnoses, but nothing much was offered as far as a cure, a treatment and most of all relief of symptoms. The main diagnoses we were dealing with were Erythermalgia, Small Fiber Peripheral Neuropathy and POTS syndrome (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia). Unfortunately, there are not very good treatments for these illnesses (syndromes) and some of the medications given to relieve the pain, had such horrible side effects for her, that she could not function.

Which was worse?

There had to be something else out there? I would not let her live this way, if I could help it.

Another change

Meanwhile, my oldest daughter was moving out of state, thousands of miles away to pursue her graduate degree in Arizona. A few months out there, she had started mentioning to me she really was not feeling herself. I attributed this to stress of a rigorous school program, new surroundings and possible anxiety about what was happening at home with her sister. Several months went by and her health was not improving and she was ultimately diagnosed with Lyme Disease.

Here she was, thousands of miles away sicker than she had ever been, I could not believe this was happening. Here I am with, not one, but two kids, with serious illnesses. I had urged her to come home as I just did not know what else to do. I cannot help one in AZ and the other in IL. In the end she, alongside her boyfriend decided to stay and deal with her new found diagnoses, without me. As hard as it was for me not to be with her, it was probably the best decision she could have made. After doing her fair share of bouncing around from doctor to doctor out in Arizona she stumbled upon a functional medicine doctor who would introduce her to IV therapy.

A new hope

At first, I was skeptical.

What the heck is Ozone Therapy, High Dose Vitamin C, Glutathione, Myer’s Cocktail?

Are they safe?

Why have I not heard of these before?

Probably because we just never looked, or rather, we never needed to. After much research, we learned Ozone Therapy can help to combat bacteria, viruses and yeast, it also improves your circulatory system. High Dose Vitamin C is also used to help combat viruses and Glutathione is helpful to detoxify and boost your immune system. Myer’s Cocktail IV’s are loaded with vitamins and minerals that are better absorbed by IV versus pill form.

My oldest daughter decided to embark on this method of healing, and while the treatment was pricey, there wasn’t much to lose in trying. After many months of IV treatments for her Lyme disease, my daughter began planting the seed for me to bring my youngest daughter down from IL to AZ to visit with this doctor and see if maybe these therapies could help her too. We were pretty much running out of options, so we went and I am glad we did.

In time, the first symptoms that slowly started to improve was the fatigue (that debilitating type fatigue where you just cannot get out of bed) was starting to lift and the girls were starting to feel more energized. That feeling created hope, for us all, that maybe they could get over the worst of their illnesses.

Healing is not linear

I also do not want to give the wrong impression that IV therapy is a magical “cure-all” for Chronic diseases, but rather a tool you can utilize, especially if you don’t see any end in sight to your suffering. Keep in mind it does not happen overnight. It takes time, persistence and patience. Healing is NOT linear and I learned that through this journey. There will not be one pill, one doctor visit, one treatment that will be the answer for chronic illness, but a culmination of many things. Both my girls still have issues respective to their individual diagnoses. My daughter with Lyme still suffers from some gut issues and food aversions and my youngest daughter with Small Fiber Neuropathy and POTS still has many days of pain and lingering circulatory issues, but most definitely not as severe as once was.

We still use IV therapy as needed to help when flares arise and with this, they are able to continue living their life, maybe a little differently, but they are living it nonetheless. There was a point in their illnesses when I seriously questioned if “normal” life was going to happen. Normal as in going to school, working, taking vacations as a family, not being debilitated every day. Thankfully they are able to, and I attribute a lot of that, if not most of their progress to functional medicine and IV therapy, alongside western medicine.

A word of encouragement

If you have been suffering with a chronic illness and you have not been able to feel better, or even if you still are searching for a diagnoses, I would urge you to find a good reputable functional medicine practitioner and see if IV therapy may be a good fit for you.

New, Personal Story, Wellness
May, 18, 2023

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