Kintsugi–A Philosophy for Life

I was chatting with a friend about our apparent moments of brokenness. About how when nothing seems like it will ever be repaired, we start to mend, becoming even more beautiful than before. This is when the topic of Kintsugi came up. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold—a metaphor for embracing your flaws and imperfections.

Looking at life with this perspective: what if instead of covering our scars, we embrace them for the story they tell. They are part of our journey in this life that adds to the depth of who we are. Kintsugi is a term that is closely related to Wabi-sabi—which means to embrace and accept your imperfections. So instead of aligning the pieces of broken pottery back together, it focuses on embracing and accepting ourselves, just as you are now.

So, how can you apply this concept to your life today? How can you take what you feel is broken and find acceptance, or even beauty? I’m a believer that things happen for a reason. And sometimes, we must go through the hurt to see the beauty in life.

Applying Kintsugi to Your Life

An object can be perfect, pristine, and beautiful. When it falls and breaks you either repair it or throw it out. Would you get rid of yourself because you were seemingly broken into pieces?

I think the answer is no. You would fix what was broken and find a way to place the pieces back together again no matter how much work it may be. You do this with an extra level of depth. The gold in this case are tools to heal, mending your pain, allowing you to become whole again. You become even more beautiful than you initially were. You have evolved and experienced. You have reached a whole new level of beauty—added a whole new chapter to our story with this beautiful layer of depth and complexity.

As you grow and begin to learn, you may fall in your pursuit to master a new skill—like when you fall when learning to ride a bike. Your physical body can bear the remains of your battle scars. Emotional wounds, like a broken heart or the loss of a loved one, don’t reflect a physical wound, yet we don’t forget because of the impact they have left on us. All of these examples are a part of what makes life, life. Life that cannot be erased, but must be accepted and embraced. Finding the calm and mindset that allows this, can feel unnatural at first, especially if you have emotions to sort and process through yet. But it’s the process of putting the pieces back together. You pick up the scattered pieces and put them (yourself) back together—coming back to yourself, more beautiful and experienced than who you were before.

Self-Love
Oct, 20, 2022

How a Recovering People-Pleaser Found Happiness

For most of my life I was really good at being who others wanted me to be. I wanted my family to be proud of me. I wanted my peers to like me. At my core, I wanted to be loved and accepted. It is what all humans want.

So I spent many, many years pleasing others. Doing what society taught me was acceptable. I got good grades, went to college, got a good job, went back to school for a master’s degree—I worked hard and by all standards, it paid off. I had an amazing, full life. I had good friends and family who loved me, a beautiful home and money to spend on travel or whatever my heart desired.

I should have been happy—I expected to finally be happy. My life looked the way I had imagined, the picture perfect image of happiness and success. I had it all. And yet, something was missing. I was lost. There was an emptiness inside that I couldn’t explain.

And so, I began a journey to fill the void. There were therapists, coaches, books, and countless moments of deciphering between who society/family/friends/employers wanted me to be and who I wanted to be. Or more precisely, who I truly was deep down inside.

Back then, I believed that we were all striving for the same “finish line,” because pride and accomplishment leads to satisfaction, and satisfaction leads to happiness. So I was understandably perplexed when happiness never arrived. Apparently the old adage that happiness is an inside job has some truth to it.

So how did a recovering people-pleaser find her happiness?

The first step was to turn inward

After a lifetime of looking outside of myself for answers to life’s questions, big and small, the simple act of turning inward was challenging. I had to learn to trust myself, my decisions, and most importantly, my intuition.

That internal compass exists for a reason! It tells me what’s true for me and it doesn’t always jive with what others would want for me. That’s typically a sign that I’m on the right track, that I’m living for myself and not someone else. Of course, I still seek counsel from others now and then but when it comes down to it, I always pause and check in with my heart. I trust that it won’t lead me astray and so far, it hasn’t.

The second step is to find your voice

Once I was clear on who I was and what I wanted, I had to learn to speak my truth. I have always been non-confrontational, afraid to rock the boat, make others uncomfortable or say the wrong thing and regret it. I would bite my tongue and swallow my words instead of expressing myself fully.

I have found that true love and acceptance can only be fully experienced if you’re being your whole self, all the time. Not everyone is going to like what I have to say and I accept that I may lose some relationships along the way. But if they only liked me when I was saying what they wanted to hear, they weren’t there for me in the first place. My marriage and friendships fill me up with love and support like never before, because I know they see, appreciate and feel the real me.

The final step is to have courage

Once I decided to honor what my soul felt called to do, what would make me the most happy, I knew I was going to disappoint some people. I was walking away from a life I had spent 20 years building, from an identity that people understood. Forging my own path wasn’t easy and it took me over a year to build up the courage to take the leap. But it was worth it and it’d do it again in a heartbeat.

I could have stayed comfortable, in my predictable, and utterly dull, existence. It’s easy to continue doing what you’ve always done. It’s safe. But it lacks magic and the excitement of possibility. Creating a life that lights you up requires you to choose courage over comfort. Every single day.

I’m elated to report that I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I am no longer lost. I have purpose and my internal compass tells me exactly where I need to go. I am free to chase my dreams and live an extraordinary life because I am finally being true to myself. It took me a long time to get here, but I wouldn’t have it any other way because knowing what could have been if I’d have stayed stuck motivates me every day to remain true to my heart.

Emotional Health, Self-Love
Apr, 29, 2022

Self-Love is the Best Love

As we approach Valentine’s Day, I felt called to write about self-love—the kind of love where you accept yourself as you are, the kind of love where you make good choices for your overall well being, and the kind of love that generously gives back to you in magical and mysterious ways.

As you read, put one hand over your heart and be open to receiving, receiving these words in addition to receiving whatever the universe has in store for you. Right now you are choosing you, and when you “love yourself first and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” That’s a Lucille Ball quote, and everyone loves Lucy!

Let’s start with acknowledging and celebrating yourself.

Use these prompts to encourage you:

I’m proud of…

I’m great at…

I’m awesome because…

I love my…

I am…

Self-love is worthy—and at times challenging—work! After all, it’s quite common to be self-critical and let harsh thoughts dictate how you feel about yourself. So, I want you to take a moment to think of an aspect of yourself that you pick on; maybe it’s physical or maybe it’s mental. What is it and why do you loathe it? Take a moment to dig deep here and be honest with yourself…

Now, if your hand is still at your heart’s center, move it to that place where you are especially critical of yourself, and allow the following prompts to guide you:

Offer that place some extra tender loving care and energy through your touch.

Flip the script and tell yourself what you appreciate about that aspect of your mind or body.

Be kind in your acknowledgment of what that part of your body does for you on a regular basis.

You are choosing to put the breaks on your inner critic and choose self-love. You are choosing to stop giving your time, energy and emotions to negative self-talk and instead give yourself the pep talk so the light and magic that is you shines brighter. That is called flipping the narrative.

To fuel self-love, it’s important to show yourself kindness—not just through words but through actions too. So, it’s time to grab a piece of paper and pen or open the notes page on your phone and jot down 5 kind things you can do for yourself today, tonight, or tomorrow. The action of doing can be active or passive; in that it can be to do something (like food prep) or to choose to not do something (take a midday nap).

When you love yourself, you care for yourself in beautiful ways. Think about a person, a pet, or a thing you just adore; how do you care for it, how much do you love it? You can treat yourself the same way.

When the power of self-love flows through you, you feel it, you use it, and it produces an overflow in which you are able to give to and share with others. So, go and fill up your cup until it runneth over.

Self-love is the path to knowing yourself and for serving others without feeling depleted or resentful; again, you are giving your overflow.

Self-Love
Feb, 10, 2022

Navigating Not Knowing What to Do with Your Life, and Feeling Fine with It

Career planning class in high school; Our teacher made us go through a pile of different personality tests that we’re supposed to unfold my true calling in life (yes, at 16 years old). I immediately felt this panic taking over my body as I realized I had the classic “Will never truly know what they want to do” personality type. The Myers Briggs, the psychological inventory, the enneagram, the 16 personalities, they were all agreeing; for me, there would be many forks on the road, and it would be chaotic.

It seemed that everyone around me had it figured out—certainly more than me. My anxious brain came to the conclusion that all failures and unhappiness in my life must be directly related to this career thing. It has to be the key to a perfect life right? This feeling lurked in the back of my brain and pitched its tent there for a long time, greatly affecting my self-esteem (and my wallet) as I would try too many different new ventures, studies, and classes without really feeling like doing the work. This would all lead to quickly dissociating and having a negative outlook on life. I would blank when people would ask: What do you do? What do you want to be? What are your skills? I just didn’t have a simple answer, and it made me realize that it is hard to feel whole when all those questions are unanswered.

However, through many nights of crying, panicking over my life, and putting all my personal value into careers, starting a business, or daydreaming of this super cool fictional job where there would be huge windows and monstera plants and cool people with funky glasses that would drink third wave coffee in my brick-walled office, I’ve come to realize through conversations with people who seemed to have those things, that it didn’t fill any of the voids, stress, loneliness, depression, trauma, or grief that life can bring in your life. Even if it takes a lot of work and personal soul-searching, it is crucial to try to find peace and be comfortable with ourselves even in seasons of uncertainty—when we do not have much going on.

I started to ask myself questions like:

Do I love my friends and loved ones because of their jobs?
Do I really believe one needs to make money out of a passion for it to be valid?
Does one’s personal value shift to nothing past their 9 to 5?

Once I checked the “no” box to all those questions, I realized that none of these statements reflected my personal values—and from conversations with many humans I believe I am not alone in this situation.

Overtime, I have met a couple people like me who also can’t define themselves and are still starting to figure out what they want to do with their life. A metaphor that illustrates this well is the piece of a puzzle that is only one plain color on a very complex Monet painting. Some pieces seem really easy to place as they appear to have a clear design, something noticeable, a specific quality, a connection with another one. However the whole picture would never be complete without all components and the complexity and beauty of an image is attributed to all its pieces whether they are easy or hard to place.

At the end, our natural desire to anchor in our identity and find who we truly are is a perfectly normal and very intrinsec force in our life and we all link it to our own things and patterns. We all actualize ourselves in various ways. It is of the most importance however, to be able to meet yourself where you are, to sit down in the chaos, take a deep breath and be fine with not really knowing in the moment.

Career, Self-Love
Dec, 02, 2021

3 Life Lessons I Wish I Learned Earlier in Life

“Youth is wasted on the young.”

I was twenty-something when I first read this quote attributed to both George Bernard Shaw and Oscar Wilde. At the time I didn’t quite comprehend its magnitude, but the words stayed with me.

Today, in my mid-30s, I have my own interpretation of it: it’s not that youth is wasted on the young, it’s that when young people are experiencing situations for the first time, they figure it out as they go—inevitably missing one, two, or a hundred things along the way. Not to mention the poor (ahem, terrible) decision making. Yes, even those of us who thought we had it all planned out.

How naïve, right?

“Can you imagine growing up in a household with parental figures who prioritized their inner work, to break patterns before they reach their kids?”

is what I asked a bestie during one of those long, heartfelt conversations that happen every three to six months. As this conversation evolved, I started thinking about what I would want to say to my younger self as a break-in-case-of-emergency, life starter pack for a young woman.

I’m not saying “to prepare my younger self” because nothing (not even my ‘life starter pack’) can really prepare anyone for life. And even if it could, a young person can easily dismiss another’s learnings because they won’t necessarily relate to their experience. And relatability is key to get through—enter a saying from the Latin American tías (aunties): “Nadie aprende por cabeza ajena.” Which translated from Spanish, means: “Nobody learns from another person’s experience.” We as human beings tend to see things as we are, not as they are. So, regardless of any life lessons I’d love to share with my younger self, she probably wouldn’t have been prepared to receive them. Or to understand them.

She would have appreciated them, though. Just as I hope you will (whether you’re in your early 20s, mid-30s or fab-40s and beyond).

Lesson No. 1

USE YOUR VOICE AND TAKE UP SPACE—UNAPOLOGETICALLY

There’s an old (and machista, and outdated) saying in Spanish: “Calladita te ves más bonita.” Which roughly translates to: “You look prettier when you keep shushed.” I’m not going to dive deep into the many cultural references stemming off of this phrase, which include but aren’t limited to: staying quiet as to avoid judgement of any kind, or offend anyone; staying invisible to avoid standing out and being a target for assault, violence or ridicule, or keeping to yourself because you’re a woman and someone decided that what you have to say doesn’t matter (we know it does, clearly).

Speaking up is a powerful tool for change, for advancement, for influence. History can attest to that.

And using your voice unapologetically means showing up as you really are, regardless of how you’ll be perceived by others. It shows the humanity in you, it shatters the idealization and illusion of perfection of what a woman should be. Anyone else remember being told some variation of: “Girls don’t sit like that,” or “Women don’t talk like that”? I do.

For many years I didn’t use my voice. In school, I lowered it because I was worried I’d get into trouble for (respectfully) voicing any disagreement against authority. And the overwhelming fear of being made fun of by sharing my opinion, or the shame of giving a wrong answer in class—whoosh! That was a horror movie right there.

Later in life this evolved into a fear of not being liked, or being tagged as difficult, intense, and any other negative adjective. This was the beginning of me becoming a people pleaser (now in recovery, yay).

It took me years to understand three things:

That everyone has an opinion about everything.
That I can’t control how people perceive me (what I say, what I do, etc.)
That the only way to avoid judgement or avoid offending anyone was to stay still and barely breathe.

When I realized the alternative resembled a scene in a horror movie, where the main character is hiding in a closet, panicking over whether or not the serial killer would find her, I made a choice.

I wanted to live life, not merely exist in it. And using my voice, and taking up space are powerful ways of living fully. I was so driven by what people would think of me (and wanting those thoughts to be positive), that censoring myself became the rule, not the exception.

Today I remind you to live out loud, and stay true to who you are. #youdoyou.

Lesson No. 2

THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

I remember listening to a song by Travis called Side, with a chorus that started: “The grass is always greener on the other side…” and I thought to myself that it described perfectly our collective dissatisfaction with the present and idealization of the future. And to add a dash of context: this phrase is colloquially used to express how much more appealing that thing we don’t have is vs. the one we do have.

Grabbing my safety pin to burst your bubble—it’s not greener anywhere else. Or in another moment in time. The grass in which you’re standing is as green as you decide it is today (and mindful that all life situations are different, take what you can relate to and dismiss the rest).

From a young age, we’re prompted to associate happiness and ‘better things’ to the attainment of a future goal; to believe that we’ll be happy when we get into that school, graduate from that program, get that job, get married, become a parent, lose the weight, go on that trip, get that better job—and the list goes on.

And it’s true, achieving these definitely causes enormous joy, especially when we’ve worked so hard and waited so long for them. But these are the big things, the milestones.

What about the micro moments of joy happening every day? The ones sparked by the feelings of gratitude that arise when we stop and pay attention; when we’re living in the present moment.

I consider being mindful as one of the major factors to develop a journey filled with consistent contentment vs. looking forward to the next milestone and missing all that joy taking place in the meantime.

It’s both beautiful and necessary to have something to look forward to. Just remember to pay attention and to enjoy the life happening while you wait.

And on that note, may I remind you that life is what’s happening as I’m typing these words, and as you’re reading them? Life is what happens in between the cracks of the good, the bad, the thrilling, the heartbreaking.

It’s the joke you shared with your partner in the kitchen over a glass of wine, while making dinner. It’s realizing your kid is growing up from that conversation you had before putting them to bed. It’s playing board games with your family on a random Tuesday, or the candid conversations with your girlfriends at the world’s most rescheduled brunch date.

Living a fulfilling life starts with you. It starts with your perspective and perception of the highs and the lows. Then you adjust accordingly, sprinkling some gratitude here and there to manage feeling the feels when the living gets tough.

Your grass is at its greenest now. Here.

Lesson No. 3

LOOK TO BELONG, NOT (ONLY) TO FIT IN

Growing up and being the odd one out wasn’t anyone’s first choice. It happened by exclusion. And I did not want to be excluded, I wanted to fit in. As I shared in the first lesson, I wanted to be liked. I steered away from conflict, confrontation and any of their variations.

Even if I believe that self-approval is the one that counts the most, because it’s the hardest to get (in my experience) it’s only human to want, and need, some form of external validation.

From my point of view, and you are super welcome to disagree (look at me all promoting respectful confrontations), the difference between belonging and fitting in is how much of yourself you have to leave out. And that’s the thing—I don’t want to leave anything out (Ok, maybe I’ll leave some things out, but not those that make me…well, me).

So, let’s compare and contrast.

Belonging is where you fit in without any changes; being your most authentic self. Fitting in is when you are showing up wearing a different version of you, to appeal to a specific group. And you do this by way of hiding, removing or choosing not to disclose parts of your true self—included but not limited to ideas, lifestyle, and other forms of expression.

Let me paint a picture (as usual). Imagine you’re staring at a baby-blocks shape-sorter toy. You know, the kind where you have a circle, a star, a triangle and other shapes, with matching holes in said shapes. Got it? Amazing.

Fitting in is like trying to get the star shape to go into the circle-shaped hole. You’d need to make some trimming adjustments to the star block for it to get in. You’d have to change its original form. Belonging is like getting that same star into its star-shaped hole. It was meant to be there. It belongs.

Before putting on another version of yourself, why not assess your reasons for wanting to fit in…without belonging?

Reflecting on Your Life Lessons

If any of these resonate with you, I encourage you to write your own life lessons to your younger self (or to your future or existing kids). It can even be through a journaling prompt: “Three things I’m grateful to know now, that I wish I’d known sooner”, or “three learnings that changed my life”.

Self-awareness can be super powerful, and at times underrated. Tapping into your life learnings (because you are a wise soul) can help remind you where you started, and how far you’ve come.

Self-Love
Nov, 09, 2021

Why You Need a Yoni Egg and How to Use One

The yoni egg is definitely an interesting piece of female history. It is thought to come from ancient China where women (mostly concubines) used them to improve their vaginal strength. The word “yoni” means vulva in Sanskrit. However, it is clouded in mystery as most female folklore, no one knows it’s exact origin. Many criticize the yoni egg for not having scientific research to back it up, however, it continues to grow in popularity because women worldwide are seeing the results of using one.

4 Major Benefits of Using the Yoni Egg Regularly

Strengthens our pelvic floor muscles

The yoni egg practice will help strengthen those pelvic floor muscles! They work similarly to the kegel exercises but with a weight so they are more intense than doing just kegels. The more you use the yoni egg, these muscles will strengthen so you will be able to control them better. That means more control during sex, urination and self-pleasure, which is great! Also, for those of us holding trauma inside our yoni and womb, the yoni egg helps us get connected with that trauma to heal and release it.

Helps with learning about our menstruation cycle

Women have this incredible monthly menstruation cycle that we often know very little about. There is so much mystery like what does each phase mean? How does it affect our energy and mode? When we begin a yoni egg practice, we get in tune with our yoni. You will start to see that your yoni is different from day to day. Perhaps it feels different inside, your cervix has moved or the wetness is different. The more you know, the more you can take full advantage of your cycle.

Increases our sexual arousal and orgasmic possibilities

This is perhaps the best benefit (Am I right?). The more we connect with our yoni and clear the trauma from our past, we begin to feel more sensation. Many women report being in pain or having numbing sensation in their yoni and the egg can help equalize this. For me, my challenge was how numb I was inside my yoni, but I had pain around the lips. The more I used the egg, the more I cleared the trauma and released the tension. My yoni began to have deeper and more intense orgasms. Also, I experience new types of orgasms I had never had before which was a pleasant surprise!

Connects women to their divine feminine

The more we connect to our womb and yoni we can begin to harness the power that lives there. For most women, it lies dormant and is never awakened but that is where we hold so much of our divine feminine power. When we bring this part of us to life, we can set boundaries with ease. We can decide our future with joy and not constant worry. The yoni egg practice can teach us to soften into our feminine power and really begin to create the life of our dreams.

Okay, but how do we get started?

The first step is finding YOUR egg. Eggs are mostly made of crystals or glass. However, I recommend either a Nephrite Egg or Obsidian Egg for anyone starting out. You can see more about each here. Many beginners are tempted to go with clear or rose quartz because they know that crystal. But quartz amplifies anything it touches so if you have a lot of trauma, meaning this type of crystal can actually emphasize the trauma. So stay clear of quartz unless you are a seasoned egg user and are certain you are clear of any traumas. This is why I recommend the Nephrite or Obsidian varieties.

When you start your practice, begin with 3 minutes sessions, 3 times per week. You’ll want to avoid overdoing it and exhausting their pelvic floor muscles, but using the egg too much before we’re used to it. We don’t want to cause any discomfort. Also, never insert your egg while you are bleeding. Your body is trying to release during that time, and the egg practice isn’t counterproductive.

To start, follow these instructions:

Lay down on your back and take some deep breaths

Give yourself a nice message especially around your breasts to ground your body. We want you to be relaxed and calm.

Take the egg [string it, if you like] and hold it over your womb for a few breaths. This will warm it up.

Then slowly move the egg down to the opening of your yoni + ask your body if it wishes to receive the yoni egg.

If you get a good feeling or a yes, then go ahead and insert it for 3 minutes. If you get a “no”, then leave it by your side. We never force it in.

During that time, you can mediate, journal or do some light yoga!

When you take it out, rinse it with water and soap. And send it gratitude for the healing.

Eventually, you may find yourself creating your own ritual around the Yoni Egg. That is the best! It means you are really leaning into it and making it your own. Every woman holds within her a unique feminine power that only she can unleash! I hope this yoni egg practice helps you release it with the world.

*If you have any questions about Yoni Egg or divine feminine, contact Morgan on her website.

Self-Love
May, 13, 2021

It’s Not What You’re Eating, It’s Who You’re Being

I spent a lot of years worrying about every bite I put in my mouth. I carefully counted my calories and sometimes, even measured my food. It was a science and the experts told me it would work, that if I was diligent, I would lose weight. Calories in, calories out. Simple. Easy. It took me a long time to admit that, in fact, it wasn’t working. And it definitely wasn’t easy.

I finally reached my breaking point and I couldn’t go on obsessing about food. It was all I ever thought about. I felt like I wasn’t reaching my full potential because I didn’t have any energy at the end of the day to chase my dreams. I threw in the towel and vowed never to diet again. That is the day my Intuitive Eating journey began.

I went all in. I hired a coach. I read all the books I could get my hands on and filled my social media feed with inspiring accounts. Compared to what I had been doing, Intuitive Eating was relatively easy. Identifying my hunger and fullness took some work, but in the grand scheme of things life was way more peaceful than it had been in a long time.

The interesting thing about honoring your hunger and fullness is that you have to be very aware of what’s going on in your body. This was challenging because I had spent years ignoring her, punishing her and making her the enemy. She was something to be controlled, not my partner in health. I was so busy listening to the experts who had all the answers, that it never occurred to me to listen to what my body wanted.

The shift didn’t happen overnight. And rightfully so. I had used and abused my body for so long, it took some time for us to rebuild the trust. Because the truth is, my relationship with my body is like any other and I needed to prove that I could honor and cherish her again. Throughout this process I learned that only I have the answers. What works for others doesn’t work for me and that’s why I struggled for as long as I did. I was looking for answers in the wrong place.

Now that I was paying attention, I could focus on what I was eating. I had to make peace with food. I spent decades making every food decision a moral judgement. This food is “good” and therefore, I am good. But every time I ate something I believed was “bad”, I was a horrible person with no willpower. Every bite was loaded with guilt and shame. I desperately wanted to only desire “healthy” foods. So instead of enjoying whatever it was I was eating, I was focused on feeling like a failure and barely tasting what was on my plate.

Upon reflection, these thoughts and beliefs were a product of years living in diet culture. I know now that there are no good or bad foods, but I also recognized that the more I restrict or make off limits, the more I want it. This is human nature. I am not broken, the system that supports these ideas is broken. Enjoying food is our birthright! And I now approach meal time from a peaceful place, with enjoyment as the main ingredient.

When I reflect on my relationship with food now, it is kind of an afterthought. In fact, I get annoyed with how neutral food is. Some days I struggle trying to decide what to eat, like it’s a chore. That right there blows my mind. At the height of my food obsession, I could never have imagined being here. And it makes me realize, it wasn’t about the food at all. It was about who I was being.

I was looking outside of myself for the answers. I wasn’t connected to my body, to my inner knowing that now supports me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I was eating under duress, making myself wrong for every “bad” choice and feeling like a failure when it was the diets that failed me.

I’m grateful for the peace and freedom I now experience, not to mention the energy and brain space to live a life I love. What I’ve learned is food can be fuel, it can be pleasurable and should be enjoyed, but it’s also just food. The real power comes from my mindset and what I know to be true for me.

Personal Story, Self-Love
Apr, 29, 2021

How To Care For Your Body Intuitively And With Self-Compassion

Mindfulness. Intuitive eating. Self-compassion. These are terms that we have become familiar with as so many are craving new ways of coping, connecting with ourselves and relating to each other. But as these concepts become buzz words or are over-commercialized, we risk losing the spirit of what is important.

When it comes to eating and how we relate to our bodies, many of us become paralyzed in our pursuit of mindfulness. There are literally hundreds of food documentaries telling us the different diets that we should adhere to, but they all seem to contradict each other. For the most part, the media still portrays only one type of body as desirable. We are living in the most over-worked, disconnected, and financially burdened society ever. Stigmas against mental illness run rampant. And the icing on the cake; we’re burned out and fatigued from the state of the current world. Thank you, COVID-19. Intuitive eating, mindfulness and self-compassion can turn our external focus back inward, allowing us to tap into the wisdom of our own bodies. And to do this, we must be able to listen to our own needs and turn down the voices of outside influences.

Six years ago, I began working in the field of eating disorder treatment. While diet culture is in no way the sole cause of eating disorders, it can be incredibly activating and certainly does not help anyone’s recovery process. As I helped to support and guide people in healing their relationship with food and their bodies, I became more and more angry at the “diet culture” we are all daily subject to. I challenged myself to begin examining my own behaviors and core beliefs around food and my body. I leaned into the discomfort and got painfully honest about the negative behaviors and beliefs that I engaged in and at times even cultivated. And I realized that if I was to preach freedom from this suffocating chaos to others, I had to first be free myself.

SO, WHAT DID THIS PROCESS LOOK LIKE?

Well, I examined the chronic need to lose 10 pounds (or so I thought). The daily weighing and seeking approval from my bathroom scale. Guilt if I gained even a single pound. Negative body image. My relentless inner critic shaming me throughout the day. Perfectionism. Moderate food restriction and diets. While this was a different path than one who might be struggling with taking even a small bite, it was also an important journey.

No, I did not have anorexia. But why did I weigh myself every day? Why was I afraid of certain foods? Why did I constantly feel the need to change myself? Why did I struggle so much to accept my body? I stopped exercising rigorously and I had a major shift in my perception.

To my surprise, my body DID NOT CHANGE, at least not that much. I slowly began to trust my body. I stopped censoring the food I was eating, and most of the time I ate when hungry and I stopped when full. It’s a miracle how much easier it is to not overeat when you haven’t deprived yourself throughout the day! I think the fear underlying this kind of freedom is often externally imposed on by diet culture. We are taught that if we don’t do drastic things—like buy those supplements or join that gym—we will just keep gaining and gaining. We undermine our metabolism and our own innate instincts. I started exercising again when it came from a place of desire versus a place of fear and shame.

Through trusting myself, I learned that my body has a natural place it wants to be.

If I honor and accept this, I can innately listen to what my body wants versus trying to change or control it. I can trust my hunger cues and move my body in ways that feel good and in ways that align with my values. For me this looks like three meals and three snacks each day. All food is good; nothing is forbidden. I began enjoying those “off limit” foods in moderation such as cake, fries and mac-and-cheese. And I love fruits and veggies. I engage my body joyfully through peaceful walks, hiking, yoga and running. I ditched CrossFit. Why? Because I HATED it. That’s just me. Today, I get to listen to what sounds good and what my body needs. This ultimately frees up A LOT more time and energy for the things that really matter!

I believe that it is vitally important to examine our relationship with food and our bodies. Body image affects almost all areas of our life. Our relationships—romantic and platonic alike—our performance at school and work, and our sexual choices and experiences. How do you know if this journey is for you? It can be really clarifying to start with being gentle and curious with yourself.

Think about these questions to investigate your own personal experience:

How would you describe your relationship with your body?
When you think of your body, what comes to mind? What thoughts and feelings come to mind? How do you deal with these thoughts and feelings? What do you tell yourself about these thoughts and feelings?
What are the physical characteristics you may need to accept about yourself?
What are the negative body image thoughts you need to reduce or eliminate?
What are the situations you would like to feel more comfortable in?
What beliefs and behaviors do you need to change to be less invested in appearance-based self-worth?
What are the consequences or impacts that your body image struggles produce, and what do you want to change?

5 philosophies for caring for your body

Not every one of these may feel right for you; explore a few and see how they work.

SELF-COMPASSION

Treating ourselves with kindness can motivate us internally and allow us to show more compassion externally. There are a number of misunderstandings about self-compassion. For example, the core belief that self-compassion will make a person selfish or lazy, but science proves otherwise. Self-compassion is an inner resource that helps us survive adversity, build resiliency, and it motivates us to achieve our goals. We receive more energy and motivation from love versus fear.

INTUITIVE EATING

Avoid giving moral value to food. An intuitive eater is defined as a person who “makes food choices without experiencing guilt or an ethical dilemma, honors hunger, respects fullness and enjoys the pleasure of eating.”

MINDFUL EATING

Maintaining an in-the-moment awareness of the food and fluid you put into your body. It involves observing how the food makes you feel and the signals your body sends about taste, satisfaction, and fullness.

JOYFUL MOVEMENT

Joyful movement is a way of approaching physical activity that emphasizes pleasure and choice. Exercise often feels compulsory — it’s done to earn food or burn off food, and to punish the body for not fitting into arbitrary and unrealistic ideals. Joyful movement recognizes the right to rest as well as the benefits of rest, and your choice in whether to engage with it or not. How do you find joy in movement? Well, what did you love to do as a kid? What do you look forward to versus dread? Do you enjoy walking your dog, or do you prefer going to a candlelight yoga class? Listen to your body and do what feels good.

MIRROR WORK

What I really love about mirror work is that it can be a combination of intimately connecting with yourself, as well as exposure to yourself. We can intimately connect when looking into our own eyes while stating affirmations. Louise Hay’s Mirror Workbook takes you on this journey in “Mirror Work: 21 Days to Heal Your Life.” Mirror work can also be repeatedly standing in front of your mirror, becoming more comfortable with all parts of your body. When doing this, it is important to set all judgement aside. This needs to be an exercise that is either neutral or affirming. If you find yourself criticizing, you may not be ready to take this step.

Taking the time to utilize these resources have aided in the ongoing journey of self-acceptance for both myself and for so many others. With the holidays approaching these practices can be especially helpful. Purposefully focusing your attention on the present can help you embrace companionship, connectivity, and overall contentment and help make the season of celebration more meaningful for you and your loved ones.

Nutrition, Self-Love
Dec, 02, 2020

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