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Emotional Health

An Emotional Toolkit for Processing Grief

We’ve all heard of the five stages of grief, and if you haven’t, they are as follows:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

The reality of grief, though, is that those five stages don’t occur one at a time, nor in a particular, organized order. Experiencing grief through loss of a loved one can feel messy, and even if we get to a point of acceptance, the emotions never really go away. We learn to grow around that hole inside of us and adapt to better ways to carry it by building an emotional toolkit within ourselves to cope.

At the time of writing this it has been one year and eight months since my father passed suddenly. I am not a stranger to death, but his death was the first that was the double whammy of being within my immediate family and was completely unexpected. Even writing the words now I still feel a jolt of denial running through me. Leading up to the funeral there was immediate support that helped me through those first couple of weeks, but since then I’ve struggled to find resources to help me through what I call “the messy middle”. I’m very fortunate to have finally found a great therapist to help me work through things, but it’s taken months for me to meet my insurance deductible, and unfortunately I have had health insurance plans that don’t cover therapy. So many resources are not available to everyone and while I could go on a full on rant about the American Healthcare system and mental healthcare, I’d rather share what tools I have compiled within my tool kit in hopes that it might help anyone else out there that are conducting the same google searches that I did. Without further ado, here is my emotional toolkit broken down by the five stages of grief.

Tools for Denial

Denial can be one of the most uncomfortable stages. I have seen it begin to present itself even before a death has occurred. When there is a loved one who is aging or battling a terminal diagnosis, there is a denial to even discuss the reality of the matter. I’ve seen how this leads to refusal to make plans for funerals or final wishes for care. I’ve seen it with family members who were suffering from dementia, and the confusion and anger that can arise from denial that simply doesn’t help anyone.

The best thing that I have found to help with this is communication. Whether that is talking to a therapist, reminiscing with loved ones, or even journaling. Talking about it, as uncomfortable as it might feel, really allows the truth to sink in. Personally, I have found Journaling to be the most cathartic form of communication because when I write in my journal I am communicating with myself and doing an internal check-in. It gets everything out of my head and in front of me, allowing the organization of my thoughts and feelings. Once I have purged those feelings, there is an introspective clarity that allows me to reflect deeply on this new reality.

Tools for Anger

For years I have struggled with this emotion. In my household it was always my dad that was allowed to be angry, never anyone else, so I never developed the tools to manage anger. it will fester inside of me, growing into resentment.

I have been in therapy long before my dad’s passing working on this and the best resource that I have found for anger (and for many other overwhelming emotions) is the Feelings Wheel.  I. Love. This. Thing. I print out a copy and keep it on hand and I recommend it to everyone that I can. I’ve found that looking at the feeling wheel to pinpoint what emotions I’m feeling, putting a name to those emotions can help greatly with dissolving them as I usually realize that I am not really angry, but I am fearful or hurt. If, while looking at it, you realize that the emotions you’re feeling are coming from multiple different color sections, it’s confirmation that conflicting feelings can feel completely overwhelming. 

I’ve had moments where just looking at it and being able to say what I am feeling relieves those feelings, and new ones come through as there is usually something deeper to unpack there. 

Sometimes, though, when I am feeling especially angry though,just looking at the feeling wheel isn’t enough. I resort to physical movement to help me disperse those feelings. I put on a playlist, and move my body. A 2000’s throwback playlist for when I rage clean my home or to finish a project that I’ve been procrastinating doing, a rap heavy, hip hop playlist when I’m in my yard gardening, or some house music remixes with a good bass line when I’m at the gym. Ultimately, any way that you can redirect that energy in your mind into physical movement.

Tools for Bargaining

I haven’t dealt with this too much from my dad’s passing, for me it probably presents more as guilt, but I have still seen it first hand. I had an Ex whose dad was slowly losing a long battle with cancer. I saw the family desperately wanting him to fight and keep receiving treatment. He kept receiving treatment and trying to inject humor into all the side effects that he was suffering from. This can go hand in hand with Denial and can have detrimental long term effects.

The best tool for someone to cope with Bargaining can be vastly different from person to person. As a tool, from my experience to work through this is general wellness practices. I’ve listened to pretty much all of Brené Brown’s audio books, her podcasts, and podcasts of the people she’s had on as guests. I highly recommend her book Atlas of the Heart. I’ve listened to that audio book so many times because she will say one thing, and I’m sitting there processing something for so long that I miss something else she has said. I have to pause and sit there for a minute. Her podcasts have a lot of similar information and are free on Spotify, iTunes, iHeartRadio, and I think most streaming platforms, and her TED talks are available on YouTube. There are endless amounts of ways to consume her content and there are many others like her out there as well, like Marc Maron, or Mel Robbins.

Tools for Depression

The slippery slope of Depression can be a tough climb, and for those who suffer from it chronically, grief is like adding more oil to that slope, making it harder to get out of a depressive episode. This is where knowledge of the Spoon Theory can help. The idea of the Spoon Theory is that spoons are the currency needed to perform tasks to get through your day, and people without a disability or chronic illness (depression included) wake up and have enough spoons to get through their day. Getting ready for work = 1 spoon. Preparing and eating a meal = 1 spoon. People struggling with disability or illness require more spoons to complete the same tasks. Getting out of bed = 1 spoon, getting dressed = 1 spoon, brushing your hair and teeth = 1 spoon. Grocery Shopping = 1 spoon, prepping your vegetables = 1 spoon, cooking those vegetables = 1 spoon, and the act of actually eating (sometimes even when you don’t have any appetite) = 1 spoon. In other terms,something that takes 1 spoon for someone might take at least 3 spoons for others.

This is where cutting some corners and taking short cuts has been the most helpful tool for my depression – making tasks as simple as possible. I get packaged meal replacement shakes or protein shakes with the lowest sugar content I can find. I buy frozen dinners, or boxes of mac and cheese. I buy pre-chopped fresh or frozen bags of veggies that can be steamed in their bag. Trader Joe’s has bags of brown rice in their freezer section that take three minutes in the microwave, in the bag they come in, that are perfectly portioned. These shortcuts allow me to still eat healthier balanced meals, and stay away from the highly processed fast food options as much as I can. Although I still hit up the McDonalds drive through once in a while for efficiency when I am out of the house trying to get errands done, and I know I haven’t eaten all day. Giving your body fuel is probably the most important thing you can do, and the healthier the choice, the more energy you have to then take care of yourself in otherways. For you, it could be washing your hair when you’ve been getting by with dry shampoo, or catching up on washing laundry, even if you aren’t able to fold it and put it away. The point is that it is okay to do the bare minimum.

Tools for Acceptance

Acceptance can feel like the finish line in a journey through the five stages of grief, so what tools would you really need here? Isn’t the point to get to a point of acceptance?

Once you find yourself in a place of acceptance, though, it’s more about continuing on with your life and honoring those who you have lost. For me and my siblings we do every Thanksgiving. My parents were divorced growing up and my dad had a hard time with the holidays. He insisted that even if we were having thanksgiving with my mom, that we could still spend the morning with him, going to the Thanksgiving Parade in downtown Chicago, then getting potato pancakes, bratwurst, and gluhwein at the Christkindl Market. In reality he was always late to pick us up, and we would make it to the parade just in time to see the last float with Santa, and my dad would scream for the man in the red suit, still trying to embarrass us like we were teenagers, but there was always time for the food and drink after. Now, we honor his memory by skipping the parade and going straight to the Christkindl Market right when they open. We share plates of pancakes smothered in applesauce and sour cream and toast our mugs of warm spiced wine together. Our commitment to honoring him is what is important, and we all have developed our own ways to honor him separately as well.

The road beyond

I’ll throw in one last tool that I have found to be the most impactful for myself and it may not even be applicable to everyone, but sobriety has helped give me so much more strength on my journey through grief. It’s probably pretty straight forward since alcohol is a depressant but it has helped in so many other ways that I didn’t expect. First, when the pandemic started my alcohol consumption pretty much doubled. Then my grandpa passed away from old age and I was helping my grandpa with the hospice care. My grandparents are pretty old fashioned and always had to have a cocktail at 5pm every day. I started having health issues like  high blood pressure. Then my dad had his first and last heart attack – I started drinking even more. Then I lost my job. I was about to turn 30 and felt like my life was starting to fall apart. I went on a family trip where I was drinking every day and I got home from that trip feeling like absolute crap. I decided that drinking wasn’t working for me anymore. I made that decision almost a year ago. My high blood pressure returned to balance , and I realized how much I was abusing alcohol to cope. My grief journey still has a long road ahead of me and I still am working on it but, through sobriety I’ve realized it was actually harder to make progress with a drink in my hand.

Whatever type of grief you’re dealing with there are always resources available, and it can be hard to figure out what works best. There’s nothing wrong with trial and error as we are all different and our bodies deal with these strong emotions differently. Of course if you are ever feeling an unmanageable amount of hopelessness and despair, or struggling with other feelings of depression, there is a great list of hotlines to help you through any sort of mental health crisis you might be dealing with. (https://www.psycom.net/get-help-mental-health#united-states)  to call, free of charge, where you can talk to trained professionals who will be able to provide you with other resources as well. There is no shame in giving those numbers a call and even just talking to a stranger for five minutes can help. I’ve called before when I was in a spiral and felt like there was no one I could talk to. No matter what you’re going through on your grief journey, and no matter how alone you feel, know that as a stranger on the internet who doesn’t even know you, I am rooting for you on your journey through grief. 

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Kintsugi–A Philosophy for Life

I was chatting with a friend about our apparent moments of brokenness. About how when nothing seems like it will ever be repaired, we start to mend, becoming even more beautiful than before. This is when the topic of Kintsugi came up. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold—a metaphor for embracing your flaws and imperfections.

Looking at life with this perspective: what if instead of covering our scars, we embrace them for the story they tell. They are part of our journey in this life that adds to the depth of who we are. Kintsugi is a term that is closely related to Wabi-sabi—which means to embrace and accept your imperfections. So instead of aligning the pieces of broken pottery back together, it focuses on embracing and accepting ourselves, just as you are now.

So, how can you apply this concept to your life today? How can you take what you feel is broken and find acceptance, or even beauty? I’m a believer that things happen for a reason. And sometimes, we must go through the hurt to see the beauty in life.

Applying Kintsugi to Your Life

An object can be perfect, pristine, and beautiful. When it falls and breaks you either repair it or throw it out. Would you get rid of yourself because you were seemingly broken into pieces?

I think the answer is no. You would fix what was broken and find a way to place the pieces back together again no matter how much work it may be. You do this with an extra level of depth. The gold in this case are tools to heal, mending your pain, allowing you to become whole again. You become even more beautiful than you initially were. You have evolved and experienced. You have reached a whole new level of beauty—added a whole new chapter to our story with this beautiful layer of depth and complexity.

As you grow and begin to learn, you may fall in your pursuit to master a new skill—like when you fall when learning to ride a bike. Your physical body can bear the remains of your battle scars. Emotional wounds, like a broken heart or the loss of a loved one, don’t reflect a physical wound, yet we don’t forget because of the impact they have left on us. All of these examples are a part of what makes life, life. Life that cannot be erased, but must be accepted and embraced. Finding the calm and mindset that allows this, can feel unnatural at first, especially if you have emotions to sort and process through yet. But it’s the process of putting the pieces back together. You pick up the scattered pieces and put them (yourself) back together—coming back to yourself, more beautiful and experienced than who you were before.

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Finding Gratitude in The Hardest Times

How do you find gratitude? Do you hold onto a glimmer of hope? Or faith? One might call it “See the good.” In fact, I’ve received this nice quote on a card before.

Seeing the good is considered a practice of looking for gratitude in the smallest of places around you—and maybe even more so in the hardest times.

But then shit gets real. It’s really easy to let yourself fall into a black hole of sadness when life’s handing you curve balls and hard lessons. As I write this it seems like everyone around me, including myself, are going through major life shifts. Some shifts don’t feel great…but there is always light—even if it is a slim ray of light. IT IS THERE. That small light is a reminder that can bring peace of mind when you are going through a hard time. It’s a gift of grace that allows us to more easily trust and accept that all will work out in the end…even when you’re having doubts.

“Train your mind to see the good in all things.” —Paul Walker

Maybe it’s knowing that you have already been through so much and that life always works out as it should because it always does. Or maybe life is just starting to throw those curveballs. We don’t have to know ‘the why.’ We just have to trust. That’s the light that is necessary for us to root in.

I’ve been through my fair share of heartbreak and grief and everything in between. What has always helped me was aiming to look for the good—even if the only good thing was waking up that day. As I took steps back, forgot about the big picture, and focused on the little (good) things. So much of what I’ve done in the past was look to the future or the what ifs that left me with nothing but anxiety and depression for things I didn’t have moments or time to accomplish. I couldn’t enjoy what was right in front of me because I was not present in the now. To see the many blessings I have because I focused on what I didn’t have.

Usually it takes a traumatic event for me to even connect the dots. But I did it. I started out looking at the small things:

  • Getting out of bed
  • The ability to use my hand
  • Learning to write again

Although these may seem small or trivial to a healthy person, these were things that were almost taken away from me. And so I was even more grateful for what I currently had and what was to come in the future. I couldn’t think of the future without gratitude for the present. Because if you focus on what you do not have, you spiral into the black abyss of what that is…and when you’re there it can be incredibly difficult to find your way back out again.

If you’re struggling moving past negative emotions, I encourage you to look for the good. Show gratitude for the smallest of moments. Learn to take pauses in your day that allow you to savor and be in the state of good.

You woke up.

You opened your eyes.

You are alive.

What else are you grateful for?

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The Power of Words

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

What a quote!

“Be careful what you wish for, lest it come true!”

Both of these quotes imply that words can be powerful—and I believe this to be true!

So many times when we speak, we say so much. We say and talk so much to others…we even seem to say a lot within our internal dialog. What you say to yourself matters and many times it’s based on how you feel. Not too long ago I was attending a monthly strategy session. In one of the prompts we were asked to write what our takeaways from the month were. Right away I knew what I was going to write—and knew I wanted to share my insight with the class.

I knew I had a message to share and so I did. What I didn’t expect was that it created a shift in the class. The people related to it so much more than I thought they would. And it got me thinking. If my words can influence a shift in a class and the members within it, then they can influence a shift in myself.

Our words are powerful and carry so much weight. What you say and do with those words can affect you in so many ways.

For example: When you say you had a bad day and the only thing that really happened was that you stubbed your toe. You didn’t realize that the power of saying (or thinking) that you’re having a “bad day” influences everything around you. So you went on and had a bad day. You missed out on fun things, beautiful moments, and even a few opportunities. You said a few things that hurt a few people and now you have to handle the consequences of your words.

There are a few messages that came out of this for me:

  1. Share your stories and lessons. You never know who needs to hear it.

  2. Words can and do impact, not only you, but others as well.

  3. You never know who you will inspire.

Words can be just words. As a matter of fact they are just that. But it’s the meaning we put behind them that reflect your outcomes and desires.

On Sunday we had our monthly strategy session. We went over the past month’s good and bad, then looked towards the following month. One particular prompt was big for me, enough that I wanted to share it on camera. What I didn’t expect was the response and how it would affect those in the community. Your words have more power than you think they do. Sharing our words, truthful words, can feel like you’re outing someone (yourself?), they can bring up uncomfortable feelings, guilt…but you’ll find that they will allow you to process your own internal world and it will allow others to do the same in the way they can empathize.

What did I feel when the words were repeated back to me?

Oh shit, this is more powerful than I thought. What I said not only impacts me, it’s already impacting others in the community. I knew I felt strongly about my words, so I had to share my thoughts. I felt them in my body.

Your words hold so much power. You can hurt with them, and you can hurt from them. You can build yourself up and others with just your words. Intentions and energy are key points in all of this. How you speak to each other and mostly how you think and speak to yourself plays a big role in your daily world!

“Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.”

Words have power. Their meaning crystallizes perceptions that shape your beliefs, drive your behavior, and ultimately, create your world. Their power arises from your emotional responses when you read, speak, or hear them.

Gratitude Challenge

What does this have to do with the power of words? I encourage you to connect to seeing the good. It is proven that you can’t think negative thoughts when you are thinking in gratitude and positive intentions. Give it a try.

Our words have the power to change your life. They are a reflection of what you give and receive. By paying more attention to how you speak, and how you think, you can change you circumstances for the better. The Power of the Spoken Word will help you make the positive changes that you’ve always wanted to make.

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Second Chances

Let’s all channel ABBA’s song made famous by the romantic comedy Mamma Mia, alright?

“Baby, I’m still free…take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and it ain’t no lie.”

Okay, let’s get real. We have given second chances—to friends, to lovers, to the undeserving, to family members. And, we have needed second chances, in countless situations and in numerous ways.

Let’s shift our perspective for a moment. What are the benefits of second chances? Oh, the benefits abound and especially when you are working on yourself. It’s an opportunity to try again and again and as many times as you want…after not succeeding. Your potential is limitless.

How and why are second chances important on our self-care and self-love journey? Well, it allows us to achieve our potential. Right? The word fail is just an acronym for First Attempt In Learning. Another opportunity always provides us with an option and sometimes the support to succeed.

So, here we are and it’s the second half of the year. Now is our second chance. Oh, how glorious to have the opportunity to reflect on the first half of the year and get intentional about the second half of the year.

Listen, it’s important to carve out time to reflect. Why? It’s information that catapults us forward. Look back at the good, the bad, the ugly. The small wins, the big wins, and the milestones especially. This year I celebrated my grandma’s 90th birthday, a wise guy’s 80th birthday, and my bonus daughter’s college graduation. More than that, my manifestation powers led me in a whole new direction. I’m 42; I’m building a new house and I have a new job.

Grab a pen and paper. Offer yourself the second chance to get energized and begin anew.

Are you thinking about the rest of July? How about August, September, October, November, December? Think about that time by using your noggin and by taking a look at your calendar. And consider—is time a construct, is it a concept, is it an illusion? Go and talk about that at the dinner table. It’s bound to be quite the conversation.

Back to the inner work.

Approach the rest of the calendar year from the lens of self-care and self-love? Let’s focus on you because the way you care for and love yourself dictates the way you show up for yourself, family, friends, community and the world in which we live, and let us be rea…we’ve had heavy moments (in our lives and in the world)—beyond what we thought would even happen in our lifetime.

Believe you are the creator of your life; make conscious choices. Maybe consider yourself the co-creator so that you put your trust in the universe and work to co-create a life you love and a life to live. There is certainly more than we have control over (ugh), yet let me guide you in the way you can make loving choices and take loving actions.

First, put on “Forever Young” (any version you want, either Rod Stewart or Jay-Z or Alphaville). My guy and I (both over 40) like the first, the teen likes Jay-Z, and the 20-something-year old likes the version featured in Napoleon Dynamite.

Now, see your life in front of you as if it were a movie playing out in front of you over the course of the remainder of the year. You are an observer. Observe. What’s going on? You are growing and expanding, and you are the future you—6 months from now. How are you showing up? What are you doing and thinking? In what ways are you excited about what’s going to happen? Allow yourself to embody this future you, this favorite you energy.

Next, think about being in the energy of late December 2022. What happened these past six months? How did they play out? Consider connections you’ve made, challenges you’ve encountered, changes you have precipitated, people and things you have released, times you have surprised yourself. Consider it all.

Why consider it all? Life is mysterious and miraculous and conspiring for the greater good in your life. Good, good, or even better. Believe it. Be open to it. It is yours.

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Journaling to Come Back to Yourself

Writing is a medicine. It is the antidote to injury. It is an appropriate companion for any difficult change.

—Julia Cameron

I remember as a child wanting a diary with its very own lock and key. I was so excited for my very first one. I always started each entry with” Dear Diary…” because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I always thought that I needed to write specific things or it had to be a certain way. My journaling never took off because I was always trying to be perfect or follow the rules and so this went on for years.

As the years went by, I kept going back to my journaling practice. When I embraced my love for journaling and let go of any expectations of how I thought journaling “should” be, my words flew onto the paper. I found it to be a peaceful practice, and after I wrote, I felt lighter—as if the thoughts weighing on my mind weren’t so heavy anymore.

Morning Pages

I’ve tried so many different ways of writing. Trying one way after another until I found what worked for me. It turns out, Morning Pages was the best practice for me.

Morning Pages is a practice Julia Cameron speaks about in her book The Artist’s Way. Essentially, you write three pages of stream consciousness writing first thing in the morning.

I’ve been able to discover patterns and thoughts I didn’t realize I had due to this.

Most recently, I realized that I needed to get back to my Morning Pages practice. I started to notice my anxiety rising, my thoughts clouded, and I was just stressed over all. For me the practice of journaling has always helped me sort out my thoughts and work through my feelings. At times I would notice a pattern or get an answer to a question I had a few days ago through my writing. There are days that my entries will only have to-do lists and others will consist of thoughts and feelings I have been holding back.

Journal writing, when it becomes a ritual for transformation, is not only life-changing but life-expanding.

—Jennifer Williamson

Journaling in many ways is a meditative practice. It can look different for everyone and can be customized to your preferences and lifestyle. Even if you’re finding it not to be easy, I encourage you to keep going—try different methods of approaching your writing. I tried prompt filled journaling and the classic form; just free writing. My favorite approach has remained Morning Pages.

On Record

One of my favorite things about keeping journals is you can always look back at past entries and books.. You get to see how much you’ve grown over the years. And in my case, because I’ve kept up with the practice, I get to see how I went from being a naive teenager to an adult. I’ve been able to document gratitude periods of growth, and essentially coming back to myself. Journaling helps me get out of my head, and although it was hard to start the habit, I am glad I’m fitting it back in my life.

People who keep journals live twice.

—Jessamyn West

In the grand scheme of things journaling is great for the soul. It can bring to light so much good and so much healing. The great thing about journaling is that it can be done anywhere and any way. From art journaling to using a prompt journal, or any of the other ways listed above. It’s good for the soul. The best part: you have all the stories of your life to remember and pass on.

Documenting the little details of your everyday life becomes a celebration of who you are.

—Carolyn V Hamilton
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How to Start Saying Thank You to Yourself

I’m always running to the dollar store to stock up on thank you notes! I just love to write notes of gratitude and either hand deliver or mail them to people—friends in Pennsylvania, family in New York. And much like you, I find myself thanking other people but take little time to thank myself.

Gratitude is a self love practice in that it nourishes you in the moment while attracting more to be grateful for. It has positive effects on our mind, body and soul.

We’re roughly half way through the calendar year, so it’s a good time to pause, reflect and thank yourself. So, grab your journal and write a letter of thanks to your “past self,” “present self” and/or “remainder of the year” self.

Dear _____ ,

 

Thank you for . . .

I love when you . . .

You honored yourself when . . .

appreciate that . . .

You really know how to . . .

Give yourself some credit for . . .

 

Love, _____

Your past, present and future deserve your thanks; you deserve your thanks. In looking to the rest of 2022, you can start to intentionally manifest your life and all the wonderfully expansive moments there will be to experience, all the quality moments to live out.

So, open up the voice messaging app on your phone, and speak a moment of gratitude from the you who just experienced one of these moments—how it was such a perfect moment. You’re feeling into it and speaking it as if it just happened. It’s real and raw, and you are filled with appreciation. That is full-on embodiment, and you put that vibe out into the universe. Plus, you now have the recording on hand to listen to as often as you want.

So, here we are at the halfway mark of 2022, and I invite you to start practicing self gratitude along with your other transformational acts of self care and self love. Say it with me loud and proud… thank you for being you, and thank me for being me.

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The Hips Don’t Lie: How to Release Stored Emotions

Mind-body connection.

I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It’s the link between a person’s thoughts, feelings, and how the body physically reacts. Much like how you can get a stomach ache if you’re nervous about a presentation you have to give to the big wigs at work. Or your palms get sweaty when you run into your ex at the grocery store.

The mind-body connection is most commonly recognized with stress. Medical research estimates that as much as 90% of all doctors office visits are stress related. Patients reporting ailments such as headaches, stomachaches, sleep problems, chest pain, and fatigue clearly indicate how your emotions can make you sick.

We may agree that emotions can affect the body, but it’s also indicated that emotions can be stored in the body. Emotions are technically energy in motion. When we experience trauma, or even a negative emotion that is unprocessed, it gets stored energetically in the physical body. For this article, we will specifically cover how the hips store emotions. Because Shakira was right after all, the hips don’t lie.

The hips are a place where we store our deepest vulnerabilities. They are kind of like a filing system for all our unpleasant memories and suppressed shit.

I like to look at things from different ‘lenses’ because my inner skeptic sometimes needs science to substantiate things.

Tight Hips: Physical Lens

From a physical perspective, the hip joint is the largest weight-bearing joint in the body. It is surrounded by muscles, ligaments, and tendons. It literally supports us on a daily basis and helps us maintain our balance. Aside from holding our weight, the hips are prone to tightness from prolonged sitting. We must admit that in our society of long work hours at a computer, driving, watching TV, etc. the hips are often in a flexed position, which can make them tight. Structurally, if you have experienced pregnancy and/or childbirth, the physical changes that occur during this time (physically and emotionally) can take a toll on the hips and pelvis.

Tight Hips: Emotional Lens

Emotions, much like chocolate cake, go straight to your hips. Specifically emotions related to relationships. When we are stressed, overwhelmed, or scared, we often unconsciously tighten up. This can present as clenching your jaw, crossing your arms or legs to ‘close off’, or retreat to the fetal position (curl up) as a protective response. From an evolutionary standpoint, our hips activate to run from danger; hence the ‘fight or flight’ response. When these muscles tense up repeatedly, they shorten. And so, if the tension is never fully released (or processed) the tension along with the emotion, is trapped.

Tight Hips: Spiritual Lens

If you are into yoga or meditation, you may have heard of the chakra system. The word chakra is Sanskrit and translates to ‘wheel’ or disc’. There are seven chakras that start at the base of the spine and ascend to the top of your head. Each chakra corresponds to major organs, nerves, and areas of our energetic body that affect our emotional and physical wellbeing. The hips are located in the second chakra, referred to as the Sacral chakra. The sacral chakra is linked to sexuality, creativity, and inspiration. Home of the reproductive organs, it makes sense that there is a correlation to sensuality, relationships, and emotions. A sacral chakra imbalance may manifest as hip or back pain, feeling jealous or insecure or feeling closed off or emotionally unavailable.

Hip Opening and Releasing the Tension. Ready for a flood?

If you’ve ever participated in a yoga class, you are likely familiar with hip opening poses. Remember the hip joint is unique, not limited to just flexion and extension. The hips move in circular motions as well. Therefore ‘opening the hips’ refers to any stretch that lengthens any of the 22 muscles that cross the hip. Yes, there’s that many.

When I think about the hips storing emotions and attending a yoga class focused on hip opening, my imagination gets the best of me. I envision a flood gate of shadows and grief pouring out, flooding the entire class as I sit in a pigeon pose sobbing. Will I ever be welcomed back again? Luckily, this has never happened but many report feeling an emotional release and even shedding some tears. When you allow your body to relax into a pose and release stored tension, you can open up wounds from the past.

Whether or not you know where these emotions are coming from, releasing them is a good thing. Society teaches us at a young age to toughen up, not cry, and shove the feelings aside. But that’s not how we heal. Suppressing anything causes problems. Let this be your permission slip to open up and leave it all on your mat. Your teacher will surely understand.

How to Release Stored Tension

Deep-tissue hip opening yoga postures can release physical and emotional tension in the hips. If you are skilled at suppressing emotions and are not currently used to stretching, go slow and go easy on yourself. Welcome what comes up with curiosity. Practice acceptance. Breathe. Embrace the idea that leaning into discomfort and sitting with the pain a little bit, is the practice.

Below are some of my favorite hip openers:
  • Pigeon pose
  • Cow face pose
  • Deep low lunge
Aside from yoga stretches, here are some other ways to consider releasing stored emotions:
  • Cry, scream, yell into a pillow
  • Go for a walk, run, or swim
  • Do some cardio, dance, hit a punching bag
  • Practice yoga
  • Meditate on releasing the emotion
  • Try reiki or acupuncture
  • Journal and let your internal voice speak
  • Talk with a therapist
  • Do something creative, listen to music, be in nature

Trapped emotions could be holding you back from reaching your full potential. As you lean in and learn to release those emotions, remember that healing is not linear. It is indeed a process. But a process that is worth it. You are deserving of living a fulfilled, joyful life. Remember to be kind to yourself, and your hips.

Peace, love, and healing.

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How to Change a Bad Day to Just a Bad Moment

What are bad days, really?

Can we actually have bad days? Good days can be considered a series of good moments. So, a bad day could technically be considered a series of ‘bad’ moments. But where is the line drawn between a series of bad moments and assigning the entire day as bad?

Learning to decipher the two takes practice, but you can get there. I recently had an experience where I realized just how important this thought process is. Thought and emotions can actually aid in influencing our daily life.

My Bad Moment

I took my dog to get groomed. It didn’t turn out as planned and I was left completely distressed. I had a few choices: to either find a solution or stay in complete anger because things didn’t go as expected. I chose to find a solution.

As I was in line to pay I was chatting with another customer and I told her what happened. She instantly assumed I was having a bad day. When I told her I wasn’t, that it was only a bad moment she was so surprised. I guess she never thought to look at it another way.

You see, when assessing the situation as a whole, I was able to realize that no, I was not having a bad day. It was simply a bad moment. Acknowledging this allowed me to work through that stress and then continue on with my day—rather than letting it fester and ruin the rest of the day.

The woman looked at me and said, “Oh my god, you are right. I’m going to use that!” And I’m so glad that I told her that.

My mind-shift aided someone else in taking a different perspective on how to approach moments in our life. Which had me thinking, do we really walk around with the perception that once one badly-perceived moment makes the entire day inherently bad? What if we really sat down with awareness and looked at a situation as just one moment? This does take practice and time to learn. Our society has gotten in the habit of believing that one moment or event is going to make or break everything—it’s become an either-or situation, and not anything for any possibility in between. Life isn’t about that. We can have so much going on at once and one moment doesn’t define the next.

Why can’t you just have a bad moment and then move on? It’s not the end-all-be-all if something doesn’t go as planned. It’s how we handle what has happened that defines the situation. Essentially it’s all about perspective—that’s where we can discern we’re truly discerning if we’re having a bad day; i.e.death, diagnosis, missing dog, and even then there are levels to all of this because like I said it’s perspective.

I was not always like this. I too used to forever dwell on something I felt was ‘bad’ and let it completely ruin my own day with my negative thoughts. So much was lost because I was just mad or stressed. Once I saw this behavior for what it was, I was able to shift it for the better. Yes, I still had bad moments, but I was able to keep going.

Allowing Your Thoughts to Define a Bad Day Can Look Like:

  • Feeling sorry for yourself

  • Negative self-talk

  • Pessimism (only seeing the bad)

  • Thinking the world is against you

How to Shift Your Perspective

Perspective comes with the awareness of what is going on around you and looking at the situation from another light—perhaps one that is more neutral. Gaining perspective is a big key in helping you shift your mindset.

Notice Your Triggers

What triggers are you noticing? Can you pinpoint and decipher the bad moment that triggered a bad day? How can you be open to the unexpected event/situation you are experiencing?

Notice if you are acting from a wounded place when you’re experiencing these bad days. What issues are you avoiding that are triggering you? When you ignore what bothers you, it festers and well…the rest is history. Let the wound fester long enough and it can turn to dis-ease and more.

Perspective

How do you view your situation at hand? Ask yourself, is this worth all your time and energy? How does the situation look if you remove those trigger-set emotions? How can you view it with neutrality?

Awareness

Remain grounded and aware that when bad situations occur, it’s not happening to you—it could be happening for you..

Create Detachment

Detaching from the bad events or circumstances so you can notice when you’re in the next moment. If you stay in the negative moment, you risk missing a blessing, seeing the beauty, and ultimately you automatically lose a sense of ease.

Yes you can have both bad moments and bad days. This is where it can get a little tricky. The moment we sit in the negative thoughts, or repressed emotions, or even both we create an internal dialogue that can lead towards damaging our state of mind —or even well-being. Opposed to allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling and working through it. You never start out with bad days—and I say this because each day is the chance for something new. For new adventures, miracles, for the chance to live your day to the fullest. And there will always be the times where something happens out of our control. But do you want to know what is within our control? It’s how we handle it. Whatever ‘it” may be. You see you have a choice, you have control, and not all bad things justify labeling it a ‘bad day.”

There are times that I allow myself to have bad days. We are all allowed to. But what’s different (and empowering) is when you try not to stay in the bad day too long.

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