I believe that destiny is a combination— a delicate dance, if you will— of fate and free will. A year or so ago, a client and I were discussing the concept of fate and free will, and the notion that we are meant to co-create our life with Spirit. A metaphor came to mind, as…
We’ve all heard of the five stages of grief, and if you haven’t, they are as follows:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
The reality of grief, though, is that those five stages don’t occur one at a time, nor in a particular, organized order. Experiencing grief through loss of a loved one can feel messy, and even if we get to a point of acceptance, the emotions never really go away. We learn to grow around that hole inside of us and adapt to better ways to carry it by building an emotional toolkit within ourselves to cope.
At the time of writing this it has been one year and eight months since my father passed suddenly. I am not a stranger to death, but his death was the first that was the double whammy of being within my immediate family and was completely unexpected. Even writing the words now I still feel a jolt of denial running through me. Leading up to the funeral there was immediate support that helped me through those first couple of weeks, but since then I’ve struggled to find resources to help me through what I call “the messy middle”. I’m very fortunate to have finally found a great therapist to help me work through things, but it’s taken months for me to meet my insurance deductible, and unfortunately I have had health insurance plans that don’t cover therapy. So many resources are not available to everyone and while I could go on a full on rant about the American Healthcare system and mental healthcare, I’d rather share what tools I have compiled within my tool kit in hopes that it might help anyone else out there that are conducting the same google searches that I did. Without further ado, here is my emotional toolkit broken down by the five stages of grief.
Denial can be one of the most uncomfortable stages. I have seen it begin to present itself even before a death has occurred. When there is a loved one who is aging or battling a terminal diagnosis, there is a denial to even discuss the reality of the matter. I’ve seen how this leads to refusal to make plans for funerals or final wishes for care. I’ve seen it with family members who were suffering from dementia, and the confusion and anger that can arise from denial that simply doesn’t help anyone.
The best thing that I have found to help with this is communication. Whether that is talking to a therapist, reminiscing with loved ones, or even journaling. Talking about it, as uncomfortable as it might feel, really allows the truth to sink in. Personally, I have found Journaling to be the most cathartic form of communication because when I write in my journal I am communicating with myself and doing an internal check-in. It gets everything out of my head and in front of me, allowing the organization of my thoughts and feelings. Once I have purged those feelings, there is an introspective clarity that allows me to reflect deeply on this new reality.
For years I have struggled with this emotion. In my household it was always my dad that was allowed to be angry, never anyone else, so I never developed the tools to manage anger. it will fester inside of me, growing into resentment.
I have been in therapy long before my dad’s passing working on this and the best resource that I have found for anger (and for many other overwhelming emotions) is the Feelings Wheel. I. Love. This. Thing. I print out a copy and keep it on hand and I recommend it to everyone that I can. I’ve found that looking at the feeling wheel to pinpoint what emotions I’m feeling, putting a name to those emotions can help greatly with dissolving them as I usually realize that I am not really angry, but I am fearful or hurt. If, while looking at it, you realize that the emotions you’re feeling are coming from multiple different color sections, it’s confirmation that conflicting feelings can feel completely overwhelming.
I’ve had moments where just looking at it and being able to say what I am feeling relieves those feelings, and new ones come through as there is usually something deeper to unpack there.
Sometimes, though, when I am feeling especially angry though,just looking at the feeling wheel isn’t enough. I resort to physical movement to help me disperse those feelings. I put on a playlist, and move my body. A 2000’s throwback playlist for when I rage clean my home or to finish a project that I’ve been procrastinating doing, a rap heavy, hip hop playlist when I’m in my yard gardening, or some house music remixes with a good bass line when I’m at the gym. Ultimately, any way that you can redirect that energy in your mind into physical movement.
I haven’t dealt with this too much from my dad’s passing, for me it probably presents more as guilt, but I have still seen it first hand. I had an Ex whose dad was slowly losing a long battle with cancer. I saw the family desperately wanting him to fight and keep receiving treatment. He kept receiving treatment and trying to inject humor into all the side effects that he was suffering from. This can go hand in hand with Denial and can have detrimental long term effects.
The best tool for someone to cope with Bargaining can be vastly different from person to person. As a tool, from my experience to work through this is general wellness practices. I’ve listened to pretty much all of Brené Brown’s audio books, her podcasts, and podcasts of the people she’s had on as guests. I highly recommend her book Atlas of the Heart. I’ve listened to that audio book so many times because she will say one thing, and I’m sitting there processing something for so long that I miss something else she has said. I have to pause and sit there for a minute. Her podcasts have a lot of similar information and are free on Spotify, iTunes, iHeartRadio, and I think most streaming platforms, and her TED talks are available on YouTube. There are endless amounts of ways to consume her content and there are many others like her out there as well, like Marc Maron, or Mel Robbins.
The slippery slope of Depression can be a tough climb, and for those who suffer from it chronically, grief is like adding more oil to that slope, making it harder to get out of a depressive episode. This is where knowledge of the Spoon Theory can help. The idea of the Spoon Theory is that spoons are the currency needed to perform tasks to get through your day, and people without a disability or chronic illness (depression included) wake up and have enough spoons to get through their day. Getting ready for work = 1 spoon. Preparing and eating a meal = 1 spoon. People struggling with disability or illness require more spoons to complete the same tasks. Getting out of bed = 1 spoon, getting dressed = 1 spoon, brushing your hair and teeth = 1 spoon. Grocery Shopping = 1 spoon, prepping your vegetables = 1 spoon, cooking those vegetables = 1 spoon, and the act of actually eating (sometimes even when you don’t have any appetite) = 1 spoon. In other terms,something that takes 1 spoon for someone might take at least 3 spoons for others.
This is where cutting some corners and taking short cuts has been the most helpful tool for my depression – making tasks as simple as possible. I get packaged meal replacement shakes or protein shakes with the lowest sugar content I can find. I buy frozen dinners, or boxes of mac and cheese. I buy pre-chopped fresh or frozen bags of veggies that can be steamed in their bag. Trader Joe’s has bags of brown rice in their freezer section that take three minutes in the microwave, in the bag they come in, that are perfectly portioned. These shortcuts allow me to still eat healthier balanced meals, and stay away from the highly processed fast food options as much as I can. Although I still hit up the McDonalds drive through once in a while for efficiency when I am out of the house trying to get errands done, and I know I haven’t eaten all day. Giving your body fuel is probably the most important thing you can do, and the healthier the choice, the more energy you have to then take care of yourself in otherways. For you, it could be washing your hair when you’ve been getting by with dry shampoo, or catching up on washing laundry, even if you aren’t able to fold it and put it away. The point is that it is okay to do the bare minimum.
Acceptance can feel like the finish line in a journey through the five stages of grief, so what tools would you really need here? Isn’t the point to get to a point of acceptance?
Once you find yourself in a place of acceptance, though, it’s more about continuing on with your life and honoring those who you have lost. For me and my siblings we do every Thanksgiving. My parents were divorced growing up and my dad had a hard time with the holidays. He insisted that even if we were having thanksgiving with my mom, that we could still spend the morning with him, going to the Thanksgiving Parade in downtown Chicago, then getting potato pancakes, bratwurst, and gluhwein at the Christkindl Market. In reality he was always late to pick us up, and we would make it to the parade just in time to see the last float with Santa, and my dad would scream for the man in the red suit, still trying to embarrass us like we were teenagers, but there was always time for the food and drink after. Now, we honor his memory by skipping the parade and going straight to the Christkindl Market right when they open. We share plates of pancakes smothered in applesauce and sour cream and toast our mugs of warm spiced wine together. Our commitment to honoring him is what is important, and we all have developed our own ways to honor him separately as well.
I’ll throw in one last tool that I have found to be the most impactful for myself and it may not even be applicable to everyone, but sobriety has helped give me so much more strength on my journey through grief. It’s probably pretty straight forward since alcohol is a depressant but it has helped in so many other ways that I didn’t expect. First, when the pandemic started my alcohol consumption pretty much doubled. Then my grandpa passed away from old age and I was helping my grandpa with the hospice care. My grandparents are pretty old fashioned and always had to have a cocktail at 5pm every day. I started having health issues like high blood pressure. Then my dad had his first and last heart attack – I started drinking even more. Then I lost my job. I was about to turn 30 and felt like my life was starting to fall apart. I went on a family trip where I was drinking every day and I got home from that trip feeling like absolute crap. I decided that drinking wasn’t working for me anymore. I made that decision almost a year ago. My high blood pressure returned to balance , and I realized how much I was abusing alcohol to cope. My grief journey still has a long road ahead of me and I still am working on it but, through sobriety I’ve realized it was actually harder to make progress with a drink in my hand.
Whatever type of grief you’re dealing with there are always resources available, and it can be hard to figure out what works best. There’s nothing wrong with trial and error as we are all different and our bodies deal with these strong emotions differently. Of course if you are ever feeling an unmanageable amount of hopelessness and despair, or struggling with other feelings of depression, there is a great list of hotlines to help you through any sort of mental health crisis you might be dealing with. (https://www.psycom.net/get-help-mental-health#united-states) to call, free of charge, where you can talk to trained professionals who will be able to provide you with other resources as well. There is no shame in giving those numbers a call and even just talking to a stranger for five minutes can help. I’ve called before when I was in a spiral and felt like there was no one I could talk to. No matter what you’re going through on your grief journey, and no matter how alone you feel, know that as a stranger on the internet who doesn’t even know you, I am rooting for you on your journey through grief.
"Traveling is not about the destination, but the journey itself."
Taking the time to travel in today’s fast-paced and demanding environment is not merely a luxury; rather, it is an investment in our general health and well-being. The incredible power that travel possesses to heal and transform us on various levels, encouraging mental, emotional, and physical well-being, It’s a catalyst for profound personal growth and well-being. It can help us discover how venturing beyond our comfort zones can positively transform us. It encourages us to adapt, learn, and grow. As we navigate through the unknown, we develop resilience, resourcefulness, and problem-solving skills. By embracing these challenges, we discover our inner strength and potential, fostering personal development and self-growth. It inspires us to take a step into the unknown, whether that be attempting new things, partaking in daring pursuits, or conversing with people we do not know. We learn about our capabilities, grow in confidence, and overcome self-limiting ideas when we are forced to do things that are outside of our comfort zones. This empowerment extends well beyond the confines of travel experiences and gives us the ability to take on new challenges in our day-to-day lives.
Traveling allows us to take a break from our normal routine and reawaken our sense of adventure while simultaneously opening a whole new world of unique experiences, cultures, and perspectives. Because of this stimulus, there has been a marked improvement in the state of our mental health. Such examples include:
Stepping outside of our comfort zone which helps to stimulate our thoughts, inspires us to think in novel ways, and ignites our creative potential.
Taking in new sights, sounds, and experiences, as well as interacting with new people, can spark original thoughts and open new creative channels, which is beneficial for creative types like authors, painters, and anybody else looking to expand their horizons.
Getting away from the things that cause us stress every day and placing ourselves in an unfamiliar setting can result in a sizable decrease in the amount of tension we feel. This can also contribute to an improvement in our mood. Dopamine, also known as the “feel-good” hormone, is sent into the bloodstream when a person experiences pleasant emotions, such as enthusiasm and anticipation, related to an upcoming trip.
I try not to leave a trip until I have my next one planned. It gives me something to look forward to. You are always with yourself, no matter where you go, but I have found I love myself the most when I am traveling. It brings out the best in me! The experience of being exposed to a variety of cultures and points of view forces us to reevaluate our preconceived assumptions and broadens our understanding of the world. Having a greater understanding of other cultures helps cultivate empathy, tolerance, and a more open-minded outlook on life.
Embracing emotional wellness travel has the capacity to elicit a variety of feelings, which can provide possibilities for personal development and emotional wellness. The following are some of the ways in which travel can have a positive impact on our emotional landscape:
Although travel is not necessarily synonymous with strenuous physical activity, it does provide countless opportunities for refreshing and reviving the bodies of those who partake in it. The following are some of the ways that traveling can improve our physical well-being: Physical activity: traveling generally entails some form of physical activity, whether it be hiking through gorgeous landscapes, exploring historic ruins, or simply meandering around busy cities. Participating in these activities can help improve cardiovascular health, muscle strength, and general fitness. Spending time in natural settings has been shown to have positive effects on both a person’s physical and mental health, according to several studies. We can reestablish a connection with the restorative properties of nature when we take a trip to a natural marvel, a national park, or a tranquil beach area. This helps us feel less stressed and more relaxed. Experimenting with new cuisines and savoring regional specialties is an essential component of vacationing and traveling in general. Our nutritional well-being can be improved through the experience of a wider variety of flavors and fresh, healthy products, which can also help us develop healthier eating habits and broaden our palette.
The therapeutic benefits of travel go much beyond the typical expectations of vacationing, such as pleasure and sight-seeing. Our mental, emotional, and physical well-being are all nourished by it, and as a result, we are able to reestablish a connection with both ourselves and the world around us. There is no denying the transforming potential that travel possesses, which includes the ability to foster our creativity, alleviate stress, cultivate our resilience, and improve our physical health. Consequently, let us delight in the marvels of discovery, strike forth into the void, and discover what is beyond.
Introspection and self-reflection are encouraged when you are in unfamiliar surroundings. Being in an unfamiliar environment stimulates introspection and reflection. Away from the interruptions of day-to-day life, we can reevaluate our priorities, reacquaint ourselves with our interests, and acquire greater insight into the direction our lives should go. Conquering challenges helps one develop self-confidence, adaptability, and a greater capability to deal with the challenges that life throws at them. Traveling offers a plethora of possibilities for engaging in social activities and making new relationships with people from all walks of life. The act of interacting with new people, learning about their backgrounds, and exchanging life experiences might help us feel more at home in the world and improve our social well-being.
For me personally, travel is so much more than just a vacation. I have traveled to spread my twin boys’ ashes, who passed away after two hours of life. Hawaii is one of my favorite places on Earth. I was fortunate enough to travel there often with my family, and I hold such fond memories. It seemed like the perfect place to spread my twins’ ashes. Now, when I go back, I feel they are with me. I get to go sit at the beach and remember how much love we had for them and imagine what they would be doing if they were still alive with me on this beach.
I also traveled across the country during the pandemic to adopt a baby and got to push myself emotionally more than I ever thought was possible. Walking through an empty airport with an empty car seat was a surreal experience. I could only hope our birth mom would decide to place her baby with us to adopt and that I would fly home with a baby! The main things I have experienced while traveling are the following: stress reduction, mental and emotional renewal, personal growth, self-reflection, cultural appreciation, and global awareness.
Traveling allows us to escape the pressures and demands of everyday life. By breaking free from routine, exploring new environments, and immersing ourselves in new experiences, we can significantly reduce stress levels and promote relaxation. The change of scenery, the absence of responsibilities, and the opportunity to disconnect from work or personal challenges create a rejuvenating and calming effect. Traveling also has the power to invigorate our minds and emotions. It offers a break from the monotony of daily life and introduces us to novel experiences, cultures, and perspectives. This exposure stimulates our curiosity, ignites our creativity, and broadens our worldview. As a result, we experience a renewed sense of inspiration, motivation, and enthusiasm.
Additionally, I have found that stepping outside of our comfort zones and immersing ourselves in new environments fosters personal growth and self-reflection. Travel provides opportunities for self-discovery as we encounter new situations and challenge our beliefs and assumptions. By navigating unfamiliar territories, interacting with different people, and embracing novel experiences, we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our place in the world. It also allows us to experience the richness and diversity of cultures around the world. Through firsthand encounters with different traditions, languages, customs, and cuisines, we develop a greater appreciation and respect for cultural diversity. This exposure fosters empathy, compassion, and a sense of global awareness, nurturing our social connections and promoting harmony among diverse communities. It offers unique opportunities to connect with others and build meaningful relationships. Whether it’s bonding with fellow travelers, engaging with locals, or forging connections with people from different backgrounds, these interactions enrich our social lives and provide a sense of belonging. Cultivating new friendships and building cross-cultural connections can enhance our emotional well-being and create lasting memories.
Travel offers a holistic healing experience by reducing stress, stimulating personal growth, fostering cultural appreciation, promoting physical well-being, nurturing social connections, and enhancing our perspective and adaptability. Embracing the transformative power of travel can truly enrich our lives and contribute to our overall well-being.
“Traveling is therapy for the soul."
It seems like more and more people are working to protect their peace, and for many of us that includes going no contact with friends, family, and even parents. The worry and anxiety that can follow that is overwhelming, and what do you do when there are curveball thrown your way while trying to manage an estranged relationship?
You see, I’ve got an exclusive membership that I don’t want. It’s not illustrious or anything, there’s no wait list, and it’s certainly not envied by anyone that I know. I’m a card carrying member of the “Dead Dad Club”. The hardest part of being in the club is that prior to joining I had been in therapy working on re-parenting myself and healing my inner child, when my brother showed up at my apartment one Monday morning in October, a cloud hung low above his head, with the news that granted me access to this club.
My father and I had a tricky relationship since adolescence and as an adult I was focused on managing the relationship as best as I could within a space that was healthy for me, which resulted in on and off periods of estrangement. We were in one of those periods when he passed suddenly and unexpectedly. There are times when I feel thrust back into those weeks following his death, when I forget that he isn’t just living in Florida, and that I haven’t heard from him in a while. As Kacey Musgraves sings in her song Justified, released the same year I lost my dad, “healing doesn’t happen in a straight line” and I had expected my journey through this grief to at least be some sort of roller coaster ride with highs and lows, but to at least have some sort of flow, but there are moments when I blink and I am back at the starting line.
We all know the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. No one goes through a picture perfect grief period however, and those stages come and go in whichever order they please. On my personal grief journey, wedged in there somewhere between Anger and Depression, is Guilt. Everytime I find myself in that phase, it’s almost like there is a separate group of stages compounded on that, where the normal stages of grief come to screeching halt, and I have to put all my attention on working through the guilt before I can allow my body and mind to get back to processing the grief.
I feel an everlasting amount of guilt that the last few times that we had communicated he was angry with me. I had been trying to set some boundaries with him while I worked through things in therapy, and he was not happy with it one bit. He always struggled with boundaries, and took them personally. My mom and him had been divorced for years but she still held out hope that if I kept explaining my boundaries to him that one day, a light bulb would go off and he would get it. That was a feeling that was hard to let go of while he was living, and I thought I had, but when he died I had realized how wrong I was. My dad was one of mushy-love kind of parents while my mom wasn’t as attached her own emotions, so from my Dad it always felt over the top, but he always had to tell us how much he loved us, so that if anything ever happened, the last thing said between us was from a place of love.
My first introduction to guilt within this personalized grieving process came pretty quickly in the week after. It started as a little intrusive voice in my head, telling me that I wasn’t allowed to feel so sad, because my dad and I weren’t even talking in the year before his death. In therapy I had been coming to terms with the potential that my dad might not ever be able to respect my boundaries, and that he might not ever be able to be welcomed back into my life. I was already grieving the death of the relationship that I wanted to have with my dad, and in some way I felt that others were more justified in their grief. It had been me that was pushing him away, and because of that, I wasn’t worthy of being equals with my siblings as we walked behind his casket in church. I was there to support them, but as the estranged daughter, I was the odd one out. There was guilt the first time I genuinely laughed after his death. The first fathers day, on his birthday, on the first anniversary of his passing. The biggest was when I was moving into my first home, since my dad was a borderline professional mover. He could always be counted on to rent the truck and show up, ready to haul boxes and furniture.
The cycle of the stages of guilt, within the stages of grief, are still there but I have learned the hard lesson of how to better process those feelings. There is always the glimmer of guilt that I could have done better at maintaining that relationship, that I could have told him one last time that I still loved him, even though I needed space. That I could have explained more clearly that my boundaries were an effort to maintain the relationship, that they were not designed to hurt him. I remind myself that I did the best I could as the child within the relationship, that the anger I felt towards him is the anger from my inner Teenager after healing the inner child, and to give grace to that inner version of myself, to find “therapeutic forgiveness”, as my therapist calls it. I am here now, and the person that I would ask for forgiveness from for that, is no longer living. So as I am working on my own reparenting, I must also now forgive myself in his absence.
There are two natural responses children react to when they feel threatened, uneasy or in danger; they are the same reactions that follow us into our adulthood, and we defer to them when we do not have the tools or resources to change our behavior. They are our norm.
We call it fight or flight.
When we are in fight mode, we are defensive, aggressive, outwardly dominant but inwardly, deeply insecure. We defer to this reaction because it gives us comfort, and we feel that we do not have anyone to protect our best interests so we must be our own heroes.
If we are in flight mode, we run away from conflict or anything that requires us to be our own advocate. We may shrink ourselves, hide from others, and we are viewed as weak, fake, or possibly frail. We are prone to be targets of those who are more powerful, dominant and ego-driven because we do not have a voice and rely on those who do to make our decisions for us.
Running from myself and others has always been my kryptonite; as a child who was morbidly obese, I stuck out from my peers like a sore thumb, and I ran from confrontation. I desperately tried to blend into my environment so that I would not draw unwanted and unnecessary attention to myself because the attention that I received felt like a hammer to my soul. I was mocked. I was teased. I was told that I was worthless, and my frail ego believed it.
As a creative child, I believed I could be anything, and there was nothing that could stop me from being all that my heart desired – except the opinions of others. Twelve-year old me didn’t understand why no one liked what I had to say – they laughed when I spoke, so I shielded my voice, and they poked fun of how I looked so I wore clothes three times my size to drown me away.
The insecurities bled into my adulthood. I desired friendship, companionship, and any type of connection with whomever gave me the time of the day, and this led me on a journey of a decade’s worth of pain in my twenties that catapulted me into an emotional and mental breakdown.
This led me on the journey of discovering who I truly was; the road to my divinity (finding my power within) began with a conscious choice to treat myself the way I wished I had been treated as a child: with kindness, patience, and unwavering love.
Sometimes, that is what is required from us all: to treat ourselves the way we wished others would have.
There will come a time that the fight or flight reactions that we have kept from our childhood to protect us will be the tipping point in our adulthood to guide us to the awareness of where we are internally hurting and where we need to properly care for certain spaces within us that we have chosen to push aside, and ignore for far too long.
If you find yourself struggling in a state of fight or flight, your soul is asking you to dig deeper so that the truth of who you are can be revealed.
To be of fight and flight is to live in a life of disempowerment; we are disengaged from our true nature, from our strengths, and our divinity; to find the power within you, within us all, requires willingness of the heart to rediscover the truth of who we are.
Are you ready to live an empowered life?
Sometimes, that is what is required from us all: to treat ourselves the way we wished others would have.
How do you know if you are living a life disassociated from your core desires? What separates you from knowing that you are unhappy, and living in a space of denial? What is the key to changing your reality from a space of lack to a space of wholeness?
Awareness.
Everything begins with awareness. If you live in a state of awareness, you are able to see your life from the perspective of being an active participant in your experiences versus just letting life happen to you. Case in point, if you are at a job that is unfulfilling, you may experience stress-related illnesses, you may suffer from anxiety, panic attacks and possibly depression – a person who is unaware may continue to live in the space of compromising their wellbeing to stay within the status quo.
Whereas, the process of awareness will have someone questioning the correlation to their illnesses, their wellbeing, and their current unfulfilling job.
What brings us dis-ease always stems from a root. A cause. Life will show up (as it always does), and give us signs to hint to our discomfort, or to show us where we are not aligning in our truth, and if we ignore those signs, they become bigger problems, and those problems can turn into storms that we can no longer possibly ignore.
The storm can show up as us losing that job, that house, that relationship, or receiving a massive rejection or heartbreak that cripples us…. the storm requires us to deal with what we have refused to acknowledge within ourselves for so long.
If we decide we are willing to go deeper, we can begin to ask ourselves difficult questions:
These questions may be uncomfortable because the awareness causes us to be unapologetically honest with our truth, and that truth may be completely different than the current reality that we are residing in.
Who wants to admit that the life that they are living may not be one that they really desire?
When I was living a life for others, I suffered deeply from panic attacks, codependency and low self-esteem – the connections that I surrounded myself with reflected my discomfort within, the job that I worked aided in my depression…peeling back the layers of my pain, I recognized that I had been living for everyone else but myself, and that my dis-ease within was manifested by ignoring my heart’s desires.
The heart deserves to be heard, and if we do not listen closely…if we ignore our heart, we ignore our inner guidance to a life that is in alignment with who we are out our core. To hear the heart begins with honoring the awareness of your discomfort, and then venturing into a journey of coming back to the authenticity of you.
When we were babies, we were innocent, naïve, and fearless; we lived life in the space of wonderment and bewilderment. There was nothing that we could not do or face. We were bold, our dreams and desires were imprinted on us from the moment that we were formed in the wombs. We were all born with our character traits, our needs, our wants so what happens when we grow up as adults, and we live in a space separate from our desires, our needs and our wants?
It’s the external programming. It’s the learning. It’s the layers of beliefs that are placed upon us as babies, children and young adults from our families, our friends and society; instead of living a life that we were intended to live by showing up in our power (the power that was given to us at the inception of our creation), we adapt and mold ourselves into what fits society standards.
We dim parts of our dreams.
We quiet our voices.
We attempt to fit in rather than stand out.
We conform.
We adapt.
We accept jobs that go against our desires.
We compromise our needs in relationships to soothe what was never given or lost to us as children.
And, then the pain surfaces…the anxiety, the panic attacks, and the depression.
Our identity has been built upon layers of what others may want from us, and to reidentify with the core desires of our hearts requires us to unlearn the programming that we have subscribed our souls to for the entirety of our lives.
Is it simple? Hell no but if you are able to live a life that is not your truth for decades, you can certainly learn to live a life that is in alignment with who you really are; it begins and ends with the mind.
What we believe, we shall be. If you are told that you must be a certain way to be accepted (ex: dress this way, look this way, talk this way, go to this school, marry this person, live this life), you form a belief about yourself. A limiting belief inherently communicates to your soul that who you are is not enough and you must be something else to be deemed worthy of good things. That limiting belief becomes our identity. We form our lives, our choices and our decisions around that limiting belief.
To undo the belief requires a discipline of how your mind works, and a conscious choice to welcome positivity into your life.
It sounds easier than it is, but the method works. Just listen to Oprah Winfrey. Eckhart Tolle. Michael Singer. Paulo Coehlo.
Every spiritual teacher asks:
How do you get up in the morning? How do you move throughout your day? How do you interact with others?
Do you simply exist within this life or do you actively move with intention?
To live a life of intention shows up in how you choose to see yourself, speak about yourself, how you feel about yourself, and what you give your energy to; if you are welcoming positivity, love, and compassion into your space on a consistent, daily basis, you are actively reprogramming your soul to see your life from the perception of love, and if love is there…you begin to peel away the layers of what others may want for you, and align to the voice of who you really are.
The voice that was imprinted within you in the womb. The voice that is here to guide you, protect you, and align you back to the desires of your heart.
The journey to you begins and ends with LOVE.
What we do everyday – how we show up – how we interact with others – how we see ourselves – becomes our reality. What you do now becomes your tomorrow. If we are aware that our current reality is a byproduct of our daily inner monologue then would we be more intentional about how we choose to live?
After being bullied as a child for being overweight, I chased adoration as an adult until it led me down a path of deep loneliness, despair and anguish. I lived a life that was created by a falsehood…I created my reality by lying to myself daily. One day, I became tired of living a life that felt incredibly painful to keep up with.
What I began to understand about learning to eliminate negative past beliefs about myself was that it required an overwhelming amount of patience, love, and compassion…but not from others…
This was required of myself.
If we are to challenge our status quo, we need to learn a new way of being, of thinking, and of living.
Coaches will tell you that you need to adapt a new mindset. Healers will say that you need to work on yourself. Therapists will tell you that you need to get to the root of those negative beliefs/reactions. They all say use different terminologies, but the underlying message remains the same: use love, and your life will begin to change for one that’s in alignment with your truth.
How can you welcome love into your space?
The journey of discovering yourself is never-ending. There is no right or wrong way to becoming your most, true, authentic self but there are things that you can implement into your life on a consistent basis that will help ignite a deeper, understanding of who you are and what you desire.
I call it living life from your five senses: touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound.
Find a ritual that stimulates your five senses in a way that welcomes more love into your spirit; for example, if you are listening to music, podcasts or audible books that are encouraging, uplifting and loving – your mind becomes adapted to the messaging that you are feeding it daily – a message of love, a message of growth, and a message of change – as time passes, you will notice that your reality is shifting by what you are feeding your spirit on a daily basis.
What can you do daily that feeds your mind, your spirit and your body?
In my case, I wake up daily to looking myself in the mirror and speaking loving affirmations to myself (using sight and sound) to nourish my wellbeing, and then I may some play music (preferably Lizzo) that reminds me that I’m a badass woman, flaws and all, as I feed my body with food that feels good to my soul or maybe I listen to an empowering podcast about self-love and how to shift from my current state of being into a life I desire.
My rituals change daily by how I feel (because let’s be real – we’re not always happy!) but the effort I have put into how I treat myself with my five senses has equated to living a life that has opened doors of miraculous opportunities; I lived a life of denial for so long that now, learning to love myself on my own terms, relearning the truth of who I am, life has granted me the opportunity of having experiences that reflect my inner work.
I’ve connected with souls who see me for who I am and accept me. I have written books. I have traveled. I teach others how to align to their authentic truth. I found love, lost it, healed, and then learned to find love again…but with myself first. I have found my voice, and while it is not for everyone – it is mine, and I won’t ever quiet myself again. I have pulled back the layers of people pleasing, self-sabotage, and depression to reconnect with my heart space again…
The one I was granted with in my mother’s womb. The one I lost when I was a child…I have found her again.
That’s the gift that is given when we rediscover ourselves. Our joy. Our power. Our light. We find a way back to who we were as children. We find our way back home.
It is on us to decide to release the programming from our past and create an intentional life of what we want to experience.
Life isn’t happening to us, it is happening for us, and if we are willing to be conscious participants in our experiences, we will find that we are more susceptible to such magical, loving, and truly beautiful moments that reflect the love that we have created internally within ourselves.
How much LOVE are you willing to give yourself? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? How much are you willing to fill your cup so that you may live a life of empowerment?
The choice is yours.
Illness. That word can have different meanings to many. It can be getting sick with an acute onset of something such as the flu or strep throat, you go to the doctor, get some meds and you’re better in a couple of days. Or it can be an acute onset of something such as appendicitis, you go to the hospital, get surgical intervention, and then two weeks later your good as new. Chronic illness, however, is an entirely different animal.
Chronic illness is when nothing gets better, you’re going from doctor to doctor, treatment to treatment and it can take years to really find the problem, and if you are lucky enough to find the root cause of the illness, it most likely requires medications that can cause unbearable side effects. It becomes a never ending circle. Chronic is life long. And if I am being honest, I never really gave much thought to people with chronic illness, naively, I did not realize it existed, to the staggering amount of numbers it is at today. I thought of it as rare… and then it happened to my youngest daughter…and then my oldest not long after.
My youngest daughter at 15 started to experience pain and extreme redness in her feet and legs while walking or standing. It started out very sporadic, though I thought it was odd, it was not happening enough to really be concerned. Until, it did. The pain started increasing and it got to the point where the pain was becoming a part of her daily life. That began the journey for her and our family to find out what was happening. I could probably write an entire book alone, on the beginning of our journey. We began searching the best area hospitals, Mayo Clinic, a number of different doctors that each helped in her diagnoses, but nothing much was offered as far as a cure, a treatment and most of all relief of symptoms. The main diagnoses we were dealing with were Erythermalgia, Small Fiber Peripheral Neuropathy and POTS syndrome (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia). Unfortunately, there are not very good treatments for these illnesses (syndromes) and some of the medications given to relieve the pain, had such horrible side effects for her, that she could not function.
Which was worse?
There had to be something else out there? I would not let her live this way, if I could help it.
Meanwhile, my oldest daughter was moving out of state, thousands of miles away to pursue her graduate degree in Arizona. A few months out there, she had started mentioning to me she really was not feeling herself. I attributed this to stress of a rigorous school program, new surroundings and possible anxiety about what was happening at home with her sister. Several months went by and her health was not improving and she was ultimately diagnosed with Lyme Disease.
Here she was, thousands of miles away sicker than she had ever been, I could not believe this was happening. Here I am with, not one, but two kids, with serious illnesses. I had urged her to come home as I just did not know what else to do. I cannot help one in AZ and the other in IL. In the end she, alongside her boyfriend decided to stay and deal with her new found diagnoses, without me. As hard as it was for me not to be with her, it was probably the best decision she could have made. After doing her fair share of bouncing around from doctor to doctor out in Arizona she stumbled upon a functional medicine doctor who would introduce her to IV therapy.
At first, I was skeptical.
What the heck is Ozone Therapy, High Dose Vitamin C, Glutathione, Myer’s Cocktail?
Are they safe?
Why have I not heard of these before?
Probably because we just never looked, or rather, we never needed to. After much research, we learned Ozone Therapy can help to combat bacteria, viruses and yeast, it also improves your circulatory system. High Dose Vitamin C is also used to help combat viruses and Glutathione is helpful to detoxify and boost your immune system. Myer’s Cocktail IV’s are loaded with vitamins and minerals that are better absorbed by IV versus pill form.
My oldest daughter decided to embark on this method of healing, and while the treatment was pricey, there wasn’t much to lose in trying. After many months of IV treatments for her Lyme disease, my daughter began planting the seed for me to bring my youngest daughter down from IL to AZ to visit with this doctor and see if maybe these therapies could help her too. We were pretty much running out of options, so we went and I am glad we did.
In time, the first symptoms that slowly started to improve was the fatigue (that debilitating type fatigue where you just cannot get out of bed) was starting to lift and the girls were starting to feel more energized. That feeling created hope, for us all, that maybe they could get over the worst of their illnesses.
I also do not want to give the wrong impression that IV therapy is a magical “cure-all” for Chronic diseases, but rather a tool you can utilize, especially if you don’t see any end in sight to your suffering. Keep in mind it does not happen overnight. It takes time, persistence and patience. Healing is NOT linear and I learned that through this journey. There will not be one pill, one doctor visit, one treatment that will be the answer for chronic illness, but a culmination of many things. Both my girls still have issues respective to their individual diagnoses. My daughter with Lyme still suffers from some gut issues and food aversions and my youngest daughter with Small Fiber Neuropathy and POTS still has many days of pain and lingering circulatory issues, but most definitely not as severe as once was.
We still use IV therapy as needed to help when flares arise and with this, they are able to continue living their life, maybe a little differently, but they are living it nonetheless. There was a point in their illnesses when I seriously questioned if “normal” life was going to happen. Normal as in going to school, working, taking vacations as a family, not being debilitated every day. Thankfully they are able to, and I attribute a lot of that, if not most of their progress to functional medicine and IV therapy, alongside western medicine.
If you have been suffering with a chronic illness and you have not been able to feel better, or even if you still are searching for a diagnoses, I would urge you to find a good reputable functional medicine practitioner and see if IV therapy may be a good fit for you.
The integration of ancestral roots are a forgotten joy in our society. Reclamation is forthright. Separation has kept us fighting, arguing, and our nervous systems careening for far too long. Anthropologists study the changes humanity has grown through from past to modern day, and while great accomplishments are rife, we are lacking community. Par for the course, trauma causes the body to see connection as a threat to safety. Turn on the news and unsafety is the primary messaging. Nothing is ok. Everything is wrong.
Remedying this scenario doesn’t need to be as complicated as we make it out to be. By going back to the basics and back to our roots, community is second nature to our drive for evolution and survival. It clings to our blood and bones; passed down through our ancestral DNA.
For as long as we’ve been human, we have been with plants. They have always been an integral part of nutrition, ceremony, first aid, and healing from illness.
Women were the primary carriers of this sacred herbal knowledge. Each house or community had its own wise women who provided herbal remedies for those that became unwell. Wise women tied communities together through health and tender loving care.
A love of plants remains a missing link in today’s society, though with a grand resurgence of allyship with the natural world, society is growing closer to reclaiming our intimate connection with nature; that which in turn teaches us how to connect intimately with fellow members of society. When we see the relationship of the natural world and the intricacies of interdependence, we see a blueprint for how to climb out of the pit of disconnection and isolation. No plant exists nor survives in isolation. The answers lay as a mirror right beneath our feet.
Understanding herbalism brings communities together in a place where we can set aside differences and see with clarity the needs we share. The need to create, the need to dance, and the need to grow. These are all things herbalism emboldens us to embody.
With mainstream herbalism hitting the market and the industry projected to undergo massive growth, let us not forget the underlying philosophical themes that guide us in defining the necessity of interdependence and connection throughout the constructs of humanity.
Imagine sitting in a room of 100 people. A spokesperson walks onto the stage at the front of the room and announces that twenty five of you will be selected. You have no idea what is awaiting you, though know that one in four means your chances are not too bad.
At random, you get selected and are directed to move into the room next door. Part of you is excited, while part of you is nervous. As you make your way through a doorway and into the next room, you wonder to yourself, “Do I get a prize? What is this about?”
The spokesperson walks into the room and stands before you and the other twenty-four candidates. He looks very formal and has a flat affect. It’s hard to tell if the information he is going to share is good or bad. You find yourself holding your breath in anticipation of what you hope to be some kind of reward.
Without hesitation or remorse, he tells you that you will experience the death of your baby.
Your throat tightens. A heaviness creeps into your chest and you feel like you’re going to be sick. What kind of cruel joke is this?
It’s not a joke. These are the actual numbers faced for women experiencing pregnancy. I share this not to scare you, only to reinforce a reality faced by so many women.
Statistics reveal that approximately 25% of all pregnancies, will end before the second trimester. Some studies have calculated this number to be as high as 50%. Additionally , the CDC calculates that approximately 1 in 100 pregnancies will result in stillbirth.
Do these numbers shock you? I was certainly shocked when I came to discover the facts.
The truth is, the conversation I had with my healthcare providers about pregnancy loss was brief. So brief, it could be captured in four words, “it’s a small percentage.” I wish I had known more and felt better prepared.
Because in my case, I am not even considered 1 in 4.
I am not even considered 1 in 100.
In the scenario above, I didn’t get selected.
I thought I was safe. I made it into my second trimester. Then into my third.
It was a challenging pregnancy, though at each of my ultrasounds, my daughter was content. She was stubborn; she refused to allow any photos of her face to be captured, though she was what we all thought to be healthy and strong.
It wasn’t until a few days before my daughter’s birth that we were told she wouldn’t live independently outside of my womb. The only reason we found out when we did, was because my membranes ruptured early at 31 weeks gestation. As a result, I was flown out of the province and to a larger centre with advanced equipment. It was this equipment that revealed a long list of complications that would make our baby’s survival unlikely.
Her diagnosis? We don’t know.
We may never know.
July 2023 will mark three years since her passing. Immediately following her death, we began collaborating with a team of researchers within the scientific community to try and find a cause. To date, the team is not aware of any other known cases or what would have caused our daughter’s complications and symptoms.
Not having answers has weighed on my mind over the years.
Just as others who experience pregnancy and infant loss, we are left with “why?”
“Why me?”
“Why my baby?”
“What could I have done differently?”
“What if I did things differently?”
So many questions, most without answers. Questions that loss moms carry with us, alongside our grief.
Pregnancy and infant death is something we carry with us each and every day.
It’s heavy. It can be loud. It can be all consuming and messy.
Our babies were small, though the experience of baby loss is not.
The current culture and societal views on pregnancy and infant death command that women suppress, hide, and isolate the pain, grief, and experiences that accompany baby loss. It’s important to highlight that within this silence, shame, resentment, anger, and stigma breeds.
I am here to advocate and demonstrate that by doing the opposite, each of us can contribute to changing this culture.
When I began sharing my story, almost immediately following I had family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances step forward and open up about their own experiences of baby loss. Some of which had never spoken about or processed the death of their babies previously.
The death of my daughter Kailani not only opened my eyes to the realities faced by others, though it also guided me to create safe spaces for my fellow loss parents. It’s through our stories of pain that we can connect and support one another in being seen, heard, and valued.
Based on the statistics alone, someone you know or someone you love, has experienced pregnancy or infant loss. What’s needed is a safe and supportive space to be able to openly share and grieve the death of our babies. I invite you to create these spaces for others by offering a listening, compassionate and non-judgemental ear for those in your life.
Grief is not meant to be done in isolation or in hiding. No parent should have to navigate the life long pain and grief that accompanies baby loss.
Each of these babies has left an impact and an everlasting change in our world. They will always be carried in the hearts of those they left behind.
Together we remember. Together we keep their memory alive. Together we carry the weight of our grief.
Forever Loved
Kailani Mary Randall
July 25, 2020
When I was growing up, there was little room for “and”. Everything in my life was an “or”; a jagged line superimposed over always seemingly opposing extremes, a frantic dance between salvation or damnation, perfection or peril.
The thing about identity is… it’s everything while holding onto it, yet not fully understood until we let it go. Like a costume worn for a role only to be removed and hung back on the rack where it may hang lifelessly juxtaposed against other colors and textures, we don’t always realize the contrast of something until it’s over.
Our careers, our work, how we spend our days, and how much this can change and transmute if we allow the natural needs of ourselves to do so is like this. Identities perpetually being built and torn down, recycled, reworn, destroyed, reimagined, transformed…
My first iteration of college was an “or” decision. Go, earn a degree, get a job, make money and buy a sense of self OR don’t go, be less than what others perceive you as capable of, disappoint your parents, and flounder.
As it turned out, I’d flounder regardless.
College gave me plenty of experiences, but little wisdom or insight around who I was, what I wanted, or how to best live with myself each day. It was a breeding ground for my still slightly dormant struggles with mental health and while I did graduate, what was supposed to bring me clarity and orient me appropriately to the next checkpoint of a “well-lived life”, instead rendered me desperate for existential safety and riddled with debt.
Fast forward through two post-graduate career trajectories explored and abandoned before deciding to return to school to earn teaching credentials; I again felt the excitement of an affirmed choice.
This, I remember thinking emphatically. “This, is the right move. If I do this, then I’ll finally be getting it right.”
Like we tend to do, I entered this next season of my life both naive and unprepared. The daily turmoil of a middle school classroom simultaneously fueled my high functioning anxiety while destroying my physical health. I loved that each day was something new and I took pride in my ability to connect with students, yet the work consumed me. I had no way to balance my own needs against those of the job.
It took some time for me to admit, but the truth was, I didn’t love teaching like I thought I would.
I loved aspects of how it made me feel. I loved the title and sense of identity. I loved that I got to use my voice and energy to tell stories and lead.
However, I did not love many key components of the job: lesson planning, the politics, the need to essentially parent all of my students.
In 2020, the love of the field was tested for every teacher in the profession. The dawn of the pandemic and being six months pregnant with my second child – it was simply too much. My anxiety was at an all time high and I was frantically confronted with that familiar truth:
Not this…
My inner cries were deafening.
Not only did I want to leave the profession, I wanted something different for my life altogether. I wanted to be out of the fast lane and home with my young children. I wanted to have a more easeful relationship with my days. Less hustle, more rest. Less achievement, more presence.
This was not an easy hill to roll down. Admitting that I wanted to shed this role in favor of another was incredibly taxing. I surveyed and polled and grappled for several months, not allowing myself to simply exhale into the new desire.
I hung on to the bitter end, fighting impulsive email checking and other anxious behaviors that had developed in the wake of the indeterminate.
How could I just walk away from a career ten years in the making? Who would I be if I didn’t have this title to my name?
I could not see the And. I could not feel into what it would mean to be BOTH mom AND something else. Everything felt like an either/or. I knew I didn’t want to work full-time in education any longer and for reasons far beyond the strains of the pandemic.
But what next?
I wish I had a shiny one liner for what that looks like, but I’m still drafting the solution. It’s been nearly three years since I left teaching and in that time, I have had success as a recruiter and in other various freelance projects that have allowed me to work flexibly from anywhere.
Some of these roles I’ve abandoned, others I’ve reworn. Some have transformed into new opportunities both found and created as I continue to collect data on what I most want and need.
I have learned how narrowly my identity was historically tied to how I earned money. I had a hard time seeing who I was beyond my job title. I needed to reparent myself a bit and work through some of the achievement addiction that was coming from a place of shame and worthiness hustle rather than from a place of empowerment and true desire.
I am learning how to be in the And of it all.
I can be my children’s teacher AND a smart, capable woman with other skills to offer the world when I want to, not because I need its stamp of approval.
The thing about living in the And is that when we let go of something that no longer serves us, it’s not gone forever. The memory of what that costume felt like, how it draped or constricted our frame, how it made us have to stand or sit or crawl or cry… this stays with us. We get to be formerly something AND currently something else. It can all have space on the rack.
Sometimes, we have to reorient and take on a new leading role. The key here is flexibility. The resilience we desire to have to fuel us through our next big decision or hardship only comes from the act of flexing, from making a new choice, doing the hard, but necessary thing.
My life is very different now than it was in 2020. I’ve changed careers, begun to explore homeschooling, moved across the country, taken a more gentle approach with my days and still I wonder what tweaks need to be made. I am working on feeling more comfortable in this playful space and letting go of the idea that there is a penultimate place I’ll get to when I’ll earn all the approval I still sometimes seek; internally and externally.
What if all of life really is a stage and we get to try on as many roles as necessary until we find the ones we most want to play?
What if there is room for And?
Video Transcript
I get this question a lot: Why am I attracting partners that are emotionally unavailable or physically unavailable? There can be a few answers for that. But the most common answers I find are:
They’re trying to protect themselves from being vulnerable, from being hurt, from loss. It’s really hard for some people to open up to someone and allow themselves to feel that joy, knowing that as much joy as they feel, they will equally feel as much sadness if something were to happen to them or if they were to leave.
Which is inevitable, right? In this world that we live in, there’s a constant cycle of death and rebirth. Sometimes that just means you break up, or it wasn’t meant to be, or it’s run its course… No matter what the outcome is there’s always lessons—no matter what, in any relationship we have. There’s good stuff for us to learn from, take in, and integrate.
The second reason that people tend to attract people who are physically or emotionally unavailable is this feeling as though they’re not worthy of anyone. Or as though they will inherently ruin something. Or they’ll open up to someone and that person will eventually see them for who they truly are. And they may believe that who they truly are is unworthy, undeserving, or terrible.
This can lead to self-sabatoshing by purposefully choosing partners that are in a relationship with someone else, or who refuse to commit, or who refuse to treat them with integrity, love, and respect. This idea that we are inherently broken is really prominent in people who attract unhealthy partners because if they were attracting people that were giving them their full attention and their time, they would be in their worth—and they’re not. They’re attracting people that are:
These are the main two reasons why people attract unavailable people, and if you’re one of those people ask yourself these questions:
Why do you attract them?
Why do you want them?
What does it serve?
Does it protect something?
Does it help something?
Does it help keep you small or safe?
Does it save you from having to see if you truly are worthy and deserving of someone who is just as incredible as you are?
Is it to stop you from taking responsibility for yourself in the way you need to show up for somebody else?
There’s lots of questions you can ask, and if you’re curious about this visit Mystic Rose Medicine or connect with me on Instagram—we can talk about why you may be attracting people who are not on your level and are not helping you get to where you want to be.
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