I believe that destiny is a combination— a delicate dance, if you will— of fate and free will.
A year or so ago, a client and I were discussing the concept of fate and free will, and the notion that we are meant to co-create our life with Spirit.
A metaphor came to mind, as they often do. If you know me, then you know I love a good metaphor.
“Think of google maps,” I said. “When you put in a location of where you want to go, it often offers you multiple routes to choose from. One with tolls, one with a scenic view, one with the fastest time. It gives you a choice of how you want to proceed.”
Maybe you decide you want to enjoy the trip, so you pick the scenic byway. You leave early so you have enough time. You start off enjoying the road, the views, the animals on the cliffs, and the slow pace up the winding hills. However, when you get three hours in, you realize you misread a sign a couple miles back, and the road ahead is closed (google maps hasn’t updated yet). In order to get to your destination, you’ll have to turn around, retrace your steps back to the main road and reroute. The new route, while it delays your trip and you’re not able to make the dinner reservation at the spot you have been waiting months for, takes you past the most incredible waterfall. “Not what I was expecting,” you think, “but this is so beautiful. I would have missed this if I hadn’t missed that sign.” It’s so off the beaten path that it feels like a piece of paradise, carved out just for you. It’s now dinner time and you’re starving.You pull over at the next restaurant you find, and sit down to eat at the bar next to a man in a blue cap that ends up being your future husband.
Or maybe you choose the fast route because you got stuck at the grocery store and lost of track of time, and you need to get there in time to make the dinner reservation. Driving down the highway, listening to the best music, you think, “Wow. I am having the time of my life.” Suddenly, sirens go off behind you. You look down to check the speedometer to make sure you’re going the speed limit. You are. Frustrated and upset as you pull off the road, you don’t see the nail that pops your tire. You might have made it on time before, but you are definitely going to miss your reservation now. The highway patrol begins to walk towards your car as you’re rolling down your window, wondering what could possibly go wrong next. “Did you know that your tail light is out, miss?” Your forehead hits the steering wheel, and you think, “just my luck.” Then, he notices that your tire is starting to deflate, and offers you a sympathetic smile. Tears running down your face, he lets you off with a warning. “I’ll call the tow truck, too,” he offers, letting you know that you should have the mechanic in the next town fix it along with your tires. After the tow truck arrives about an hour or so later, it takes you to the local repair shop. Inside you notice there’s someone else who has also had car troubles, a man in a blue cap who you bond with in mutual exasperation. After chatting for awhile he asks, “Any change you want to grab dinner near by?” He seems kind and friendly, and you feel drawn to him despite feeling like an utter mess. “Sure,” you think, “might as well.” It turns out this is the man you end up marrying.
Part of you wonders, “Hmmm, what would have happened if I took a different route?””
The truth is, whatever route we choose in life, there are going to be unexpected blessings, and unfortunate, inconvenient, and sometimes heartbreaking accidents.
There are certain, fated experiences that each of us must move through on a soul level. The detour. Meeting your future partner.
Fate is what happens in our life.
Free-will is the intentions we set and how we respond.
Destiny is the divine-unfolding of life, thus, a combination of the two. We don’t get a choice in the cards that we’re dealt but we do get to choose the way we meet them.
The journey is our choice
I like to think that we each have a series of checkpoints our soul must move through our path of self-discovery, personal freedom, and growth. There are certain experiences in our lives that are fated.
We may believe that choosing differently may change the outcome, but in the end we will always end up where we are meant to be. Choosing a different route does not mean we can always control what is meant to happen.
We do, however, have the opportunity to decide how we want to navigate through it all. I believe our greatest tool to do so with confidence and ease is our intuition, the gentle and calm inner knowing that lives in our heart and our gut.
Maybe, instead of missing a sign, getting pulled over, or getting a flat tire, we notice a gentle pulse in our being saying “take a different route” when we pass a sign for a beautiful waterfall and a small, quaint town with the best local burger (the restaurant we were always meant to end up).
Through trial and error, I have learned that the more we take time and create space to listen to our intuition, the stronger and clearer our intuition is and the more we trust it.
When doubt creeps in, I remind myself that I can’t make a wrong choice, what is meant for me will always find me, and I get to define my perspective of life and how I relate to it.
There’s a very human part of me that will likely always experience some type of apprehension and fear when it comes to life, and the unknowns that stretch out before me.
I have been through enough car crashes, driven along enough sketchy mountain roads, and had the rug ripped out from under me enough times, to never want to experience them again. For a long time, I figured there had to be a better way to navigate life, one where I could avoid more terrifying and life-altering experiences.
I tried to calculate, assess, and avoid to no avail. My worry, anguish, and stress, while understandable, did not change anything. They only increased the feeling that I was failing and participating in my own tragedy. I thought I was choosing wrong. I believed I was to blame.
I was not.
Our most important tools
We are not responsible or at fault for the awful, heartwrenching, tragic, and traumatic things that happen. While in the moment we might crave an answer, a reason, or even sink into blame, regret and what if, there is nothing we could have done to avoid fate. In these places, it is so important to sit with and to take care of ourselves in whatever way we need. This is our choice. This is our free-will and this is where we reclaim our power and agency.
We are not and were never the designer of misfortune in our lives.
So now, I hold space for the human emotions that arise when fate crosses my path with support of tools that remind me of my free-will, that allow me to dance with fate and participate in creating my destiny.
I collect tools to help me do so including Reiki, movement, tarot, therapy, friends, meditation, affirmations, and journaling. However my favorite by far is my intuition and all of the other tools lead me back to it.
Our intuition as is our greatest asset. It allows us to know what we really want to choose. It is the voice of the soul self. So, when we encounter new and unfamiliar terrain, we know how we want to navigate it.
When I ignore my intuition and mistrust, I move through my checkpoints feeling completely out of control. So utterly helpless. It just made the experiences worse. I felt like I was constantly playing catch up and trying to avoid whatever unfortunate event showed up on my path next. I missed the flowers. I missed the sunsets. I missed the unexpected, hidden waterfalls. I didn’t even go out in search of them as I do now.
I had forgotten my free-will. I did not know I could listen or connect to what felt safe, right, and best, and then intuitively choose. I had decided that I could not be trusted. It turns out, that was one of the most important checkpoints I have ever moved through. It brought me here.
From it, I learned that my life is both in my control and it is not. I learned and continue to learn that when I invest in loving and trusting myself, I feel better and happier.
I discovered my ability to relate, connect, love, and shift my perspective of life to one that constantly takes me into a deeper relationship with myself no matter how much I might really hate the experience at the time.
And they say that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
The times I hated it (and still hate it), the times that my ego screams at the growth, frustrated, pissed, angry, raging, indignent, and throwing a full on temper tantrum, I was transformed into who I am today.
I fought and surrendered for her.
I love her.
The more I trust her, the more confident I am in my ability to face these fated moments head on, knowing that they will be moments of personal growth and expansion.
Each day, I am given a new road map. I listen to myself and my intuition and I choose what I want to do. Where do I want to go? Do I really need to go there? If the answer is yes, which route should I take?
I cultivate and pursue deep and radical honesty. Underneath, I find a soul-freeing transparency of what I really need so that I can trust my yes, my no, and my wait.
I listen. I rest. I do. I move. I pause. I keep going.
(Remember: every one of those words is an active verb, something we choose to do).
Finding your Destiny
Each person’s road map is going to be different. Each person’s roadblocks and reroutes are going to be different. Each person’s choices are going to be different.
We always get to define our experience of fate. We get to choose to consciously relate to it or skate by it and wake up realizing we’ve missed the beauty and the rawness of life all in the hopes of avoiding discomfort and pain.
We get to actively engage in our lives and dance with it. The more we do, the more free we will feel. The more we will realize we are crafting our own destiny.
Destiny = fate + free-will.
I believe life is about finding the freedom in the balance of what we can control and what we cannot.
We have the opportunity to craft a deep and unbreakable relationship with ourselves and our souls so that we know we are constantly making the next best, most authentic, intuitive, soulful and honest choices. So that we trust that life is unfolding exactly as it’s meant to even when it does not feel like it. So that we always have our own back.
“Spirit, grant me the serenity to change what I cannot accept, accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
