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Energetic Un-coupling: Regenerating Depleted Relationships without Divorce

This pandemic has been intense for long term-relationships, no matter how solid they were before COVID came knocking. Extreme stress can be an incredible clarifier on where the pressure points are in a relationship, especially when the stress comes in the form of spending way more time together to survive and having our unhealed individual and relationship wounds get displayed in all their painful glory.

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. We met when walking the Camino de Santiago, a 500-mile pilgrimage that runs from one side of Spain to the other. So yes, we literally did walk 500 miles to fall down at each other’s proverbial doors.

Our courtship was EXTREMELY short before I became pregnant with our son, about 1.5 months from meeting each other to a positive pregnancy test. By that point we had seen each other in a variety of extreme situations. We had been exhausted, stinky, sore, trying to survive in a foreign country, cohabitating in a sailboat the size of a bathroom, and navigated the fallout of him having a live-in girlfriend when we met. From the very beginning, I used to say, “Well, we’ve seen each other at our worst so if we still like each other, it’s definitely a good sign.”

We became first-time parents before we had known each other for a full year, had moved from one country to another, and were living on my parent’s property when our son was born. We had life on fast forward and both of us had significant childhood trauma which at that time, was only partially recognized and mostly unresolved.

I can tell you, that wherever your relationship is at when you have kids is where it will stay unless you actively prioritize growing it. But with or without kids, at some point in a long-term relationship, you will come face to face with all the unresolved wounds you still carry from early trauma or abuse.

Over the next nine years as a couple, we weathered post-partum depression, chronic illness, miscarriage, brain surgery, starting a new business, going back to graduate school, and remembering abuse from childhood which had been repressed for over 35 years. We lost grandparents, beloved pets and grew more emotionally distant from each other without knowing why. Our sex life was virtually non-existant and had been for the majority of our partnership.

By the time we were two years into the pandemic, we looked at each other and realized we did not want to do another ten years like this. The moment came when we were in a group coaching session for a Sacred Union workshop about how to work with our wounded inner children within a relationship. In a moment of vulnerability and courage, I related the arc and highlights of our relationship and asked for their input on how to save our marriage. Without missing a beat, the response came back, “You need to write the energetic divorce papers, do your inner work, and then see if there’s something you both want to build together.”

Jaw drop. In that instant both of us knew she was right. We had to do something profound if we were going to shift our patterns of abandonment, retreat, projection, and distance.

Immediately after the session I got on the internet and started searching for “energetic divorce process” and “energetic de-coupling” but found exactly nothing. The only resources I discovered related to Conscious Un-coupling which is a process meant to help folks going through an actual, 3D divorce heal and take responsibility for their part in why the relationship ended. Interesting, but not what I had in mind.

We both wanted to stay married but it needed to be a completely different experience than what we’d had up to that point. We needed processes, rituals, and ways to acknowledge the wounds of our relationship, heal them, release them, and then germinate our seedling of a connected, intimate, trust-filled, collaborative partnership.

As I realized that there were no clear templates for what we were attempting to do, it became clear that we would have to create the transformational crucible for our own evolution. Thankfully, we had both been doing deep personal work all throughout our relationship so we had tools for discovering our shadows and connecting with our wounded inner children…the tricky part would be weaving our existing tools together and supplementing with additional resources as we co-created our energetic divorce and reseeding.

To be fully transparent, we are still in the process of finding and creating our path for navigating a complete composting of our current relationship. It is my hope that by sharing the steps and skills we have called upon in this unfolding landscape, you will find the courage to embark upon your own regenerative relationship journey.

Jamie Mathis
Apr, 21, 2022

Your Relationship with Food, Body Image, and You

I was 8 or 9 tagging along to my mom’s Diet Workshop classes. I was 9 or 10 when my dad commented on my “giant pulkies”—the Yiddush word referring to chunky thighs, supposedly a term of endearment said with “affection.” These are just two of the stand out memories of how I learned to view food and myself. Not very helpful, actually kinda hurtful. Thinking about which diet brownie bar I was going to pack for a snack or how my thighs looked in those cool, flare jeans wasn’t the healthiest headspace.

Now at 42, I consistently work on how I view food and how I view myself— undoing some of the programming all the while learning about a healthy, intuitive relationship with food, with myself.

Food can be nourishment, and it can be comfort, it can be tradition, and it can be social. Food can also be controlled, limited, excessive, and restrictive.

I can be helpful, fun-loving, productive, sexy, and rested. I can be anyone and anything I desire.

I can also be consumed by self-limited actions, behaviors and thoughts.

When I take a moment to intentionally honor a few things about my relationship with food, I’m currently grateful for food as social and fun, and I’m also grateful for food as a creative, learning experiment. For instance, this morning when making a shopping list, I opened Pinterest and looked for a tasty cast iron skillet recipe to make for dinner tonight since I have a spacious afternoon to tinker around the kitchen. P.S. it was this delectable french onion chicken recipe.

With that said, when I take a moment to intentionally recognize some issues about my relationship with food, I acknowledge I’m currently triggered by how some foods activate me in that I don’t trust myself around them. Currently, these are chips and candy; I’d be more specific, but I’m pretty non-discriminatory at the moment. So, I don’t always trust myself to eat intentionally and leisurely so I can mindfully enjoy. As a result, I’m looking to be more conscious about moderation and responsibility when savoring food.

I think about how consumption translates into other areas of my life. I consume too much social media. Ya feel me? I enjoy consuming music—currently Fleetwood Mac, Cat Stevens, and Pitbull. I like consuming books—just finished Colleen Hoover’s Verity and it was so good. I also finished Michelle Zauner’s Crying in H Mart, and it was too sad. There is so much more I consume in a day, but I’m slowly shifting to creating…especially an aligned way of eating mindfully and loving myself.

If something I wrote about food and body image resonated, you’d want to know that I’m teaming up with Registered Dietitian Diana Savani (@eatingwithadietician on Instagram) to bring you a very gentle and realistic view of how to relate to yourself and how to relate to food in a healthy, loving way.

Lisa Desberg
Apr, 12, 2022

4 Things People with Chronic Illness are Sick of Hearing

If you’ve been a person with a chronic illness for more than about, oh, I’d say five minutes, chances are that you have had some kind and helpful messages from well-meaning friends and family. Messages that may have lit up your day and helped you push through a rough patch. But along with all those supportive comments comes some that’ll leave you a little dazed and confused on just how to respond.

There’s the more than slightly gaslight-statements like, “you look so great”, after you’ve spent most of your day doubled over in pain or parenting from the couch. If you have any type of autoimmune or other “invisible illness” people do actually think they are complimenting you. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t need that reassurance—that I could fake it in society sometimes—even as I’m going through the worst symptoms of my illness.

However, some of the messages people with chronic illness get are downright hard to hear. And if you’re like me, you might simply be sick of hearing them.

The first message you’ll often here is:

“You are so strong. I could never do what you’re doing.”

This message is one of those sneaky little ones. People think they are being empathetic and encouraging, but this message is actually quite isolating. When you say this to a chronically ill person, it’s, in fact, perpetuating the lie that you are separate from being vulnerable to a chronic illness or a disability—which is simply not true. At any time and at any moment, anyone can be hit with a debilitating illness or disabling event. You are not different from us.

And secondly, more often than not, we do not feel strong. We feel weak. Because of the toll our chronic illness is taking on our minds, spirit, and bodies. Mostly, it feels like there’s no other option but to move forward. We might have more energy one day, and that’s probably the day that you will see us. We’re no stronger than any other person on the planet. And we want you to know that yes, you could do this. Because you might just have to. One in four Americans have a disability and about half of all American adults have at least one chronic condition. So instead, take this time to learn from us, empathize with us, and support us, because you might just need the knowledge we’ve gained from living in our chronically ill bodies.

The second message we hear a lot is:

“If you just think more positively and focus on that, you’ll get better.”

This message is damaging because people that are at risk for chronic illnesses often have histories of trauma in their past that has been glossed over or plainly ignored. Additionally, having a chronic illness or disability increases your chances of developing PTSD and other mental health conditions. Focusing on the positive can be helpful in many instances, but much of the time it prevents healing from things that have been very challenging in our past. We often have trauma responses that need diagnosing and attending to. And most importantly, all we wish to do is to feel positive again. You telling us that we should be more positive only reinforces just how terrible we feel about feeling terrible. Additionally, it shames certain emotions that you deem are negative. This is damaging because it’s healthy to express anger, frustration, sadness, grief, and disappointment. Telling us to “turn off” those emotions further disconnects us from our bodies when we are trying so hard to heal.

The third message we are done hearing is:

“So you’ve had x, y, z treatment. Are you better now?”

There’s a reason that our conditions are called chronic. It’s because they don’t go away. Many things can go into remission, but chronic illnesses do not tend to just disappear (although I’ll never knock a miraculous healing event). For example, even though I’ve had a kidney transplant, I will always have kidney disease. Now I will be on intense immunosuppressant medications for the next (God-willing) 50ish years of my life. Getting off of them is not an option without suffering severe consequences (like losing the function of my transplanted kidney). Additionally the medications cause many damaging side effects (such as increased risk of cancer, neurological damage, and further kidney damage just to name a few).

There’s also the unsaid message from this that is: “Can I finally stop worrying about you now?” We would like to say “Yes!”, but it’s most likely not a reality for many of us. What is helpful is acknowledging the treatments and procedures we’ve had and asking us how you can support us physically or virtually. Many of our challenges will be lifelong. Some will be less at times, but some of them will always exist. We are always looking for healing and for our health to be restored. So sometimes we will be doing better than other times, but overall chronic conditions don’t just end.

The final message we are tired of hearing is:

“My friend had that…and they are doing so much better now that they tried x, y, z.”

While this one can sometimes be a helpful message, it completely depends upon the context. The only context where it’s appropriate is if I’m actually asking for health advice? If not, please save the information for yourself. I know my condition intimately. I’ve found many healing modalities when I’ve been needing them and have been open to hearing about them. But if we aren’t asking for your help, please do not share things that you think will help us feel better. It sends the message that what I’m doing is not enough, that I don’t know what’s best for my body, and that something outside of me will make me feel better. I’ve had the most luck when I’ve recognized that the answers are already inside me or that I know exactly how to get what I need in the moment.

I know it can seem like a minefield when talking to someone with a chronic illness, but it’s actually quite simple. It really matters what the intention of your message is. If you are coming from a place of love and acceptance, we’ll feel it (eEven if you end up saying one of these messages above). We might roll our eyes a little bit, because we’ve heard it before, but we know that you love us. It’s when you try to shame or tell us there’s something wrong with us (like we don’t know!) that it becomes damaging and harmful to us. So truly, put yourself in our shoes the very best that you can, and imagine saying what you’re thinking of saying to us to yourself. If it feels like you’re saying it to make yourself feel better about our condition, best not to say it and instead communicate messages of love, safety, and support. That’s all we really need anyway. It’s hard for us to ask for help, even when we desperately need it. Knowing you are a safe place to come to when we do need help is the biggest gift you can give us.

These well-intended messages might not go away instantly for those of us with chronic illness. But they don’t have to for us to feel better. It’s okay for people to say these things and for us to have our own back on how we respond. When you know what people are likely to say to you, it’s easier to decide who you want to be when you respond. It’s usually not worth the energy arguing the point. When you step into your own authority of your life, you don’t need everyone to agree with the way that you choose to live your life. You don’t have to convince them that your way is the right way because you can always be open to learning more. But you do get to choose when and how you will have those conversations. If you’re not open to it, you don’t have to have the conversation.

How to End an Uncomfortable Conversation Quickly as Someone with Chronic Illness

Agreeing with the person
Finding humor in what they’ve said
Being bluntly honest

The quickest way to agree with someone is simple. All you have to do is thank them. People think they are being helpful. So when you thank them, they often feel like their job is done. If I can find a way to find humor in the topic, I’ll bring it up. It often lightens the mood and helps us realize that this isn’t a conversational path either one of us really wants to go down. If thanking them or finding humor doesn’t close the conversation, then I move into the bluntly honest by saying something like “thank you for sharing that, I’m not open to talking about this at this time.” It saves you time and energy that are a valuable commodity by not getting entangled in a you versus them conversation. And who knows? Maybe what they’ve said does end up being helpful later to you.

Thinking about the four messages you’re sick of hearing, this is how these things could apply to those messages:

When someone tells you a version of “you’re so strong” or “you look great”, you can agree by saying “thank you.” If it’s someone close, you might explain exactly how you’re doing. But if you don’t know them very well or you don’t have the energy to explain, simply thank them and move on with your day.

When someone tells you to focus on the positive, you might quip back something witty. For me, I might say, yes, my donor was CMV positive and I ended up hospitalized because of it. But I do like to be positive. Thanks for reminding me. Just not too positive.

If someone asks you if you’re better now, tell them how you’re feeling that day. Being honest, without divulging information you aren’t comfortable with, is usually the best way to respond to this. I’ll often tell people, “I’m doing well now. I’ve got some nausea in the morning and I’ve had some tremors from the medication, but overall my labs are looking good right now.” This lets them know that my journey isn’t over, but that things are stable right now.

When people tell you about a new off the wall treatment, either thank them or tell them that you like how you’re managing your symptoms right now. If they persist, you might ask them a different strangely intrusive question about themselves. It’s whatever you’re feeling in the mood for.

The point is that you don’t need to add stress to your body’s already stressed state. Look for the good in what people are saying. Question if the words they are saying really mean what you are making them mean. For example, if someone says “I could never deal with what you’re going through,” instead of making it mean that they are pitying you and judging your life, you could also see that it’s possible they are giving you a high compliment. Both could be just as true. The suffering comes in us thinking that people should not say these things to us. And, while it would be nice if they didn’t, we don’t need them to stop for you to give yourself the love, admiration, and validation that you deserve. That’s a gift you can give to yourself. And you don’t need anyone else to do it for you (although it wouldn’t hurt if they did).

You are worthy, you are loved, and you are of infinite worth. And no one’s words can take that away from you.

Shelby K Hansen
Apr, 06, 2022

Your Menstrual Cycle: A New Perspective

Netflix just came out with a new docuseries called The Principles of Pleasure and in the first episode they talk a bit about the Orgasm Gap. Think the Wage Gap, but in bed. These brilliant women were sharing about how little education women receive about pleasure, their bodies, and how to navigate their sexuality. And they discuss how relatively unimportant female pleasure is when you hold it up to the light against male pleasure.

I’ve heard it time and again from my clients, too. They say things like, “I just don’t need sex like my husband does. Or at least not as much as he does.” “I’ve just never been a very sexual person.” They are brilliant and beautiful women who have low sex drives, low desire, low interest in sex. They are women who don’t feel comfortable receiving pleasure and for many of them, they generally have sex with their spouse to fill the role of “good wife.”

And then I’ve got clients who have decided their sex drive is too high because their husband’s is lower than theirs, creating a whole new layer of judgement and shame about who they are in this world.

So much judgment. So many social constructs and influences. And so very little experience and curiosity. Is it any wonder then, we carry this disinterested and mildly dissatisfied type of attitude into our relationship with our own menstrual cycle?

There are two main ways women who come into my office describe their periods to me:

“It’s horrible, and I hate it, and it hurts, and I wish it would just stop.”
“It’s generally annoying and inconvenient and I try not to think about it until the day or two before.”

And by “the day or two before,” they mean the day or two before their period, or menstrual cycle, bleeding begins.

That same lack (or suppression) of information about our bodies that has been applied to sex and pleasure, has been applied to our cyclical nature. Most of us grow up with no idea what’s going on below the hem of our jeans. You know, the ones that never quite fit us like we’d like them to. Most adult women don’t have any understanding of our cyclical nature. What we do know of it, is wrapped in shaming and disgruntled or delusional language. Watch one tampon commercial. It’s all about hiding your period or setting the unrealistic expectation that you can do everything on your period you can off your period.

Shame. Or Delusion.

Sure, you can do anything on your period that you can off it. Except that 40-50% of menstruating women have primary dysmenorrhea (painful periods). And that the percentage of women missing work because of their painful periods have caused some countries to implement Menstrual Leave in the workplace.

I know, I know. It’s gotten so much better. We have started talking about it. We are switching from heels and tampons to sneakers and menstrual cups. We are starting to like our bodies in every size. We’re unanimously mad about pink tax and we love/hate Goop. We’re trying Flo gummies and pimple patches and we’re pumped. Together. Until we start bleeding. And then we loathe a whole week of our lives. One quarter. Twenty-five percent. And we are in pain. Adult acne in women is on the rise. We are getting diagnosed with horrible things like PCOS and Endometriosis and infertility at an unprecedented rate. We are also having hysterectomies at an unprecedented rate. And we write it off with a, “what do you do?” or a “sucks being a woman, doesn’t it?”

What if There was Another Way Around This?

What if we looked at our bodies and their cyclical nature with curiosity and a little bit of wonder instead of judgment and shame? What if we asked why our symptoms were happening instead of finding a way to mask them, in order to better “keep up,” with life? What if we tapped into the energy of our whole cycle, not just the bleed, and asked ourselves “what can each of the four phases of my cycle offer me?”

What if we loved our cycle?

What if we understood that our Follicular phase was our monthly invitation to newness and spent that time dreaming up what could be?

What if we tapped into the natural charisma and connection that comes to us in our Ovulation phase?

What if we honed in on what we can complete, what we can write, and how we can tend to ourselves and others in our Luteal phase?

What if our bleeds were not something to dread, but instead an invitation to rest, to reflect, and to remove anything that is no longer serving us well?

Our cycle can be a nuisance, or it can be a beautiful way to take care of ourselves. It can be something we resent, or it can be something that communicates to us what our needs really are. Our cycle can be an invitation to step out of a linear 24-hour lifestyle and into the freedom of a 28-day circle.

I wish someone would have taught me about all the goodness of being a woman. The reality is no one taught my teachers. How on earth could they teach me? Now, I’m grateful that I have the opportunity and privilege to learn about my body and to step into authenticity, creativity, and pleasure by looking at my cycle differently. What’s more, is the gratitude that comes in helping other women step into the truth of their own cyclical nature. There is healing to be done within our wombs. It’s big, systemic, physical, and emotional healing.

Jada Dobesh
Apr, 05, 2022

Unwinding the Mother Wound

My mother and I have a turbulent relationship—but it wasn’t always this way. I remember us being super close, like inseparable best friends. Until the high school years happened—you know, the years of rebellion, self-exploration and experimenting with things that high school kids experiment with. The impact to this seemingly typical behavior was actually the devolution of the relationship I had with my mother up until this point or, rather, the devolution of the grip my mother truly had on my life.

I say this now as someone who has spent a number of years assessing the relationship with my mother. More directly after I became a mom. I hadn’t realized how much of my life and my decisions revolved around her approval or permission. This is what has become known as shadow work. Simply, looking at life through memories like a photo album, trying to figure out what the heck happened, how we got here and what I can do now.

Part of uncovering the mother wound is really taking a hard look at your past as objectively as you can. Whatever comes up, have a safe space to share these realizations, whether that be a friend, significant other, out loud to yourself, or writing in a journal. This practice provides additional perspective and insight. I always write things down because I can go back and reference it later if I remember something that is relatable to see if I can find the pattern.

Once you start finding patterns and trends in behaviors, you can start to reprogram those patterns and behaviors. Often, these can be done by affirmations, opposite behavior changes, a ton of discipline, and consistency. It’s hard work trying to deprogram and reprogram yourself from something you’ve been used to for so long. Consistent small actions like affirmations (written or verbal) go a long way, in my opinion. Give yourself grace during this process because it can be pretty intense at times depending on your current state of being.

What Healing a Mother Wound Can Look Like

I’ll give an example regarding weight. My grandmother and mother both have an unhealthy relationship with food and weight. They are both incredibly skinny and suffer health problems as a result. It was always a topic of discussion because I was never considered skinny, even after I had my daughter. So when I reached the heaviest point in my life post-pregnancy and breastfeeding, I had to do something. I had to figure out why a change of diet and exercise wasn’t working. I had heard about affirmations before but never tried it but I decided to try it. It felt weird at first because these were unknown words I had spoken to myself. I started telling myself in the mirror that I loved myself and that I was beautiful. The more I said it out loud and wrote it, the more I felt it and the more I could see it. I changed that programming. I gave myself what I didn’t have.

I bring up this particular example because part of uncovering the mother wound is also uncovering your grandmother’s wounds—it’s generational. It’s important because the trifecta is connected. When our grandmother is carrying our mother, her womb and ovaries are being formed. The very ones that would ultimately make up us. We are all connected by the foods we ate and stress we endured during that lifetime and on forward until conception from the mother with you. It is all connected and we are all connected.

I inherited negative self talk from the experiences my mother inherited from her mother. Please know, I don’t hold any of this against them because it wasn’t their fault. A lot of abuse, assault and poverty occurred in their lifetimes. They lived in a predominantly male run, backwoods area in the Appalachian mountains during the 1940s and 1980s. It was a whole different vibe back then. I mention this because it is very much a part of recognizing patterns that we have or we have adopted by proxy. A book that does a fantastic job highlighting the wounds we carry from our parents is It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn. I highly suggest this book if you’re looking for a place to start.

With help from health coaches, therapists, social media, books, meditation, daily practices, you too can determine what’s stopping you from living the way that feels natural to you. You will be able to release those beliefs you have or think you have about yourself so you can start living life free from the hold others have placed on you. When you change, your whole family line benefits. You can be the cycle breaker for your whole family.

Sierra Cheetham
Mar, 17, 2022

Skincare as Self-Care: Important Learnings from Getting My Moles Checked and Removed

Life is generally busy. And most of the time it’s a beautiful mess with plot twists popping up here and there, just for fun. There’s also a lot of pressure (from yourself and from others) to get things done; to optimize your time. Yet, taking preventative care of your health doesn’t seem to make it to the top of that to-do list. It needs to become urgent before becoming a priority.

Picture a visit to the emergency room because you neglected that cramp in your lower abdomen for the past week and now you can barely walk. Or a last-minute call to your therapist’s office because you kept re-scheduling that appointment and now you’re calling mid-cry on your lunch break.

Trusting that you’ve gotten my point, let’s hold space for self-reflection. Have you been putting off (or continuously canceling) a health-related appointment because there’s usually something more important that just can’t wait? I’ll be over here raising my hand too.

In case you also need the friendly reminder: scheduling, and actually showing up for that medical checkup, is another form of self-care. Even I, who consider myself a borderline hypochondriac, would delay going to the doctor in favor of doing something that according to my current priorities, is more important now. All depending on my perceived level of urgency. But when you think about it through the lens of common sense, what’s more of a priority than taking care of your health, right? (Right.)

The Perceived Level of Urgency

I knew I had a pending skin health checkup; for my moles, that is. And I’ve had it pending for the past 10 years…at least. The last dermatologist who checked my moles was pretty laid-back because none of them presented any warning signs, and since I was in my mid-twenties, she sent me off with a come-back-in-five-to-seven-years note. Thanks to this interaction, my perceived level of urgency for any skin-related checkup, was two on a scale of one to 10.

Fast forward a decade, and I noticed a slightly red-ish spot appearing near my hairline every time I came back from jogging. I blamed it on the sun leaving its mark on me, even with my visor and my exaggerated amount of sunblock protection—think Cam in Modern Family’s lake episode. Looking at myself in the mirror, the thought: “I need to get that checked,” popped up. And like the subtitles in a movie, it quickly moved along.

On top of the recurring red-ish spot, I started feeling a pimple-like mass on my upper ear, close to the skin on my face. That did it. I grabbed my phone and scheduled an appointment with a new dermatologist for the following week.

As life happens, the red-ish spot faded as did the pimple-like mass. And what did I do? I canceled the appointment. To give myself some credit, there’s one medical checkup I religiously book in advance and wouldn’t dare to miss: the one with my ObGyn, which was coming up.

During this visit, my doctor noticed a mole on my left breast. I didn’t freak out because I thought: “I’ve had it since forever.” But his reaction, prompting me to get it checked today made me question my own self-awareness: “Have I really had that mole there for that long?” If my ObGyn told me he’s concerned about this mole, and encouraged me to get it checked ASAP, you can understand how my perceived level of urgency rose from two to nine on the scale of one to ten. By the time I got to my car, I had rescheduled the appointment with the new dermatologist.

Getting my Moles Checked and Removed

I found Dr. Michele Quelquejeu through an online search (thank you, internet). I checked out Instagram accounts, watched some educational videos on moles and preventative skincare recommendations, and I was sold. Considering this was a healthcare professional I’ve never met before, she seemed approachable and genuine.

I’m glad to report my first impression was correct. I felt in good hands and as comfortable as one can feel lying on a medical chair half-naked while being meticulously examined.She performed the most exhaustive mole checkup I’ve experienced in my life. When she was done, only three moles raised a flag so I scheduled another appointment to get them removed.

Mind you that this was the first time I was getting a mole removed. The doctor explained the basics and I really didn’t have any more questions at that point. And my mind, who has the annoying hobby of crafting obsessive concerns out of thin air, was also at ease. The doctor mentioned that after the procedure it was preferable I didn’t sweat, and she recommended I refrain from strenuous physical activity for at least one week (I wasn’t thrilled about this). She also noted that my sutures would need two whole weeks to heal. “It’s only three tiny moles,” I thought to myself.

The day came and it was time for my procedure. I lay back in the medical chair and after a pinch of local anesthesia, the first mole came out. And so did my first thought: “one week without yoga? Pfft. This is nothing.”

After she was done with the next two moles which were slightly larger and located in my upper back and below my left glute respectively, I thought to myself: “Ok this was not nothing.” Spoiler alert: moles run deep.

When two days had passed and it was time to take off the surgical patch covering my wounds, I got a glance at the sutures on my back. Only then I got it, and said to my husband: “Wow, this is a big deal.” He nodded.

Fortunately, the doctor called me a few days after the procedure to let me know the results came back OK. And since I wasn’t expecting her to call so soon, my mind didn’t even have time to catastrophize. It was beautiful.

What I Learned From This Experience (and What Might Benefit You)

Two weeks later I was back getting my stitches removed, and to avoid focusing my attention on feeling that, I got chatty. So, I took the opportunity to ask the doctor if I could interview her. A few questions came to my mind after the procedure, and I thought I’d share the answers with you.

Actually, if I’m being super honest, the first thing I learned is that the medical term for mole is nevus (or nevi if plural). Here’s the rest:

COMMON RED FLAGS
Dr. Quelquejeu calls these the A-B-C-D-E of melanoma (a type of skin cancer). Pay closer attention to your moles and if you notice any of these, it might be a good idea to visit your dermatologist.
— Moles are usually round or oval-shaped, so watch out for asymmetry. — Borders should be smooth and regular. Look for uneven or curved ones.
— The color should be brown. If they show black areas, dark dots, or areas with blue, gray or white, pay attention.
— Notice their diameter, and keep an eye out for larger moles.
— Look for evolution or growth. if you notice a mole changing or growing rapidly, or if you realize you have a new mole after 40, perhaps it’s time to schedule that appointment.
— Other important warning signs to keep in mind: bleeding, itching, or crusting.
ANNUAL SKIN HEALTH CHECKUPS: START THEM YOUNG
According to Dr. Quelquejeu, complete dermatological checkups can start as early as 16. In the case of younger patients, a pediatrician could refer them to a dermatologist if they consider a mole needs attention depending on its size, characteristics or its location.
REMOVING A MOLE FOR MEDICAL REASONS VS. AESTHETIC REASONS
I never gave much thought to this until it was relevant to me. And the main difference is that when removing a mole for a histopathological study (to determine if there’s a skin disease), it must be removed completely and thoroughly. When a mole is removed for aesthetic reasons, and depending on the type of mole, the dermatologist can perform a superficial shave, which results in a less visible scar.

Post-surgical care for a sutured wound (with stitches) includes keeping the wound dry and covered, at least for the first 48 hours,” explains Dr. Quelquejeu. She also recommends avoiding alcohol consumption to prevent bleeding, and plenty of rest. After the bandages come off, cleaning the wound daily with soap and water, and applying a lubricating ointment will suffice. The care for a superficial shave, would only require the latter.

Back to Self-Care

It’s easy to resent whatever gets in the way of doing the important things. I know.

But you wouldn’t be able to do any of them, if you are not well. Whenever you find yourself postponing a medical appointment, a therapy session or anything else that supports your physical and emotional health, I encourage you to take a deep breath, and put yourself first.

Jit Garcia
Mar, 15, 2022

How to Give Yourself Space

March is that one month of the year with a spaciousness to it that other months just don’t have. I view it as the month to flow with ease and grace from the depths of winter into the newness of spring. It’s the month where I allow myself to use that space in ways that make sense to me. Sometimes it’s space for silliness and fun. Sometimes it’s space for just being and connecting to myself. Sometimes it’s tapping into my headspace or heartspace.

So much of the way we relate to having space is often the way we’ve been trained by external influences. Think about that…do you carve out the space you need, are you constantly in hustle mode or do you feel like you’ve mastered the balance of how you relate to and use space in a way that makes sense for you and your lifestyle?

Reiki and Space

My epiphany about the vastness of space came a few years ago when I was training to be a Reiki practitioner—I’ve since gone on to be a Reiki Master teacher. Upon learning the “distance symbol,” I came to understand how to send healing energy across time and space. Distance Reiki allows the person giving the energy healing at any point time insofar that it allows practitioners and masters to clear blockages from the recipient’s past or to send healing into their future. This works according to the Hermetic Law of Similarity in that we are all made up of energy and we are all connected through the expanse of time and space. I have received distance Reiki and I have given distance Reiki; the power of universal life force offers special, and at times unspeakable, healing results.

Self-Care and Space

I surely consider self-Reiki as self-care, but it just had to be it’s own aforementioned category.

I practice self-care and self love daily and part of that practice means I turn my attention inward and relate to the space within me—holding space for both my inner critic as well as my inner confidant. I hold space for my thoughts and my feelings. It’s so simple and yet such a profound practice as it allows for the wisdom deep within my soul to come through and offer any messages as source of guidance.

When my brain is a bit overwhelmed or tired and turning inward isn’t what I’m interested in, I create space by journaling or reading. The benefits of journaling abound as it helps me to get everything that’s taking up space in my brain by getting it out. Yes, I call it journaling, but really it’s a brain dump. It’s getting everything out on paper that was taking up so much valuable real estate in my brain. I read—or sometimes listen to an audiobook —in order to take myself to a different place. Stories provide a healthy distraction. Losing myself in a story allows me benefits such as: exercising my brain, improving my concentration, reducing my stress levels, engaging in another world, and for you readers reading this, you know the list goes on. If you haven’t opened a book recently, I’ll recommend the fictional story The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Tara Jenkins Reid and the non-fictional piece Rich As F*ck by Amanda Frances as those have been my two recent top reads.

The Physical World and Space

Although I do consider meditation a self-care practice, I’m placing it in this category as I find myself meditating to remove myself from the worries of the physical world. As of now, I’m on a 45-day meditation streak using the Calm App as it’s my daily outlet for slowing down and being present. Listening to a concentrative, guided meditation allows me to focus on breathwork and visualization which allows me to create space by tuning out everything else around me.

However, we can’t tune everything or everyone out, and over the course of the day, we interact with people, and sometimes it’s them in our space that throws us off—hello, Debbie Downer or Whiney Whitney. For those of you who have the ability to visualize, you might consider seeing yourself enveloped by a crystal clear bubble that repels people’s negative energy. In this way, you interact with the person, but their energy doesn’t intertwine with yours because you created a boundary as to not absorb certain people’s energy. If visualization isn’t your thing or if you find yourself getting entangled with unwanted energy before you even realize it, you can physically swipe away—from head to toe—others’ energy to get you back to your protected space.

And then there’s the space in your home, your car, or your workspace. Is it set up the way you want it? Is it giving you the sense of comfort you want it to? Space impacts the way you operate. As I sit here and write this article, I am in a comfy chair, with my feet in the foot massager, next to the fireplace. Yes, I have a desk to work at, but that just wasn’t going to be the optimum space for me at this moment.

Here are a few simple tips if you’re looking for a change in your physical space: play your favorite 3-5 minute song and declutter your space, sketch out a different set up of a space you’re thinking needs a change, or begin by making simple changes like turning off an overhead light and turning on a nearby lamp. The concept of Feng Shui is just beginning to pique my interest, so I have a feeling the physical world and space is going to be a focus of mine this month.

The Narrative and Space

What is your narrative behind having space and behind taking up space? There is so much space available to us; the universe is made up of space and time and all of its contents—from far off galaxies to you and me, two of nearly 8 billion people living on planet earth. In the course of your lifetime, I wish you spaciousness.

Lisa Desberg
Mar, 10, 2022

Moving Solo Across the Country at 30

Why am I packing up and moving across the country solo at 30-years-old?

That’s a loaded question, isn’t it? But it’s the season of my life I’m in, and it feels unaligned to write about anything else right now.

So many people have asked why. Why now? Why Los Angeles? Solo? Are you sure? And I get it; I absolutely do. It’s bold, it’s brave, it’s a big move. It’s a long drive. It’s a commitment. It’s a lot of things.

I visited a soul sister in California in March of 2020, right before the pandemic altered everything. I can still feel the feelings in my body from that trip, now two years later—a new sense of being, a feeling of home, an aliveness within my blood and bones.

Those 5 days of sunshine, ocean air, sand between my toes, and remembrance shifted something within me. I returned back to Chicago, to my corporate job that I was on the verge of leaving, and told everyone in my life “I need to move to California.” I said it to anyone who would listen, but everyone brushed it off.

Fast forward 6 months and my life looked like someone else’s. I had taken the leap I planned on making—to become a Spiritual Healer and Coach. I was living back with my parents at nearly 29, I was working on building a book of clients, I was beginning again. I felt refreshed and revived. My life started to feel full of purpose.

California was still on my mind. The ocean, the beach, the sunsets were calling. “Next spring,” my soul said. I needed to settle more, I wasn’t “ready.”

I settled in Chicago for another year. In September 2021, I made my way back to Southern California for a quick work trip and the peace I felt in my bones was deeper than before. This time I knew, it was time. No more waiting, no more excuses. I may never be fully “ready.”

“Spring 2022,” my soul said, “it’s time to make moves.” In less than 48-hours in a place I will soon call home, I had never been so sure of my decision. My mind almost couldn’t keep up with my soul and spirit. My body was moving faster than my emotions. My body was ready. I was more than ready for this change.

I had spent so much of my 20s struggling through grief, depression, and finding my footing in life. I spent so much of my life living for others, putting them first. But it was time for that to truly shift once again. To take the biggest leap of my life.

I made a declaration at the end of 2021, that in 2022 no matter how it looked, these conscious decisions were for me. It was time to live my life for myself. Truly for no one else, but me.

The drive itself represents freedom. Open road with endless time for reflection. A new city allows for new beginnings. With a move like this, there’s endless release and space for expansion. It feels as though it’s been a cycle of full moons and new moons almost daily in my life. It’s been full of every emotion possible the last two months. Intense, beautiful, draining, scary, and excitement, just to name a few. But at last, I am ready. I am READY.

And so here I am, about to set off on a cross country drive, solo, at 30. Some say it’s brave, some say it’s bold. Some say I can come back if it doesn’t work out.

What I say is, it’s living. And that’s what we’re meant to do. We’re meant to live. It looks different for all of us. It’s okay if some people don’t understand how you live your life. What matters most is that you love how you live.

So, how will you live? How can you live for yourself?

Alexa Sharwell
Mar, 01, 2022

How to Recognize Karma in Your Life and Release It

Many believe Karma is a form of punishment that occurs when doing something wrong, but the truth is, Karma is neither good nor bad. In fact, the term means deed and work. It’s the collection of all our actions in this life and all previous states of existence that define our future realities. No pluses or minuses, just sums. Each contribution made to one’s life is intertwined to cultivate lessons that have yet to be learned. As humans, we are attached to illusions (labels, if you will) about our perception of existence, the world around us, and the realities we create within the constructs of our minds. These attachments separate us from divine truth and directly result in what we would label as unfortunate events. The universe would call them lessons; remember, we place the word “negative” on difficult things; this does not mean these things are bad; it’s all about perception. How we choose to confront these lessons is up to us.

The Laws of Karma want us to face our attachments to negative behaviors, toxic relationships, scarcity, and internal conflicts. When we heal these attachments, we free ourselves from painful delusions that would otherwise slow down the progression and evolution of our soul. Suppose you decide willingly to un-attach from what you know to be unhealthy. In that case, you will find yourself evolving as your soul becomes free of the burdens and misconceptions you’ve held so tightly to. Attachment to illusions will always produce pain; detachment from delusions will always create peace.

How to Recognize Karma in Your Life

Karma can show up in the form of a partner, parent, or job. It can look like victimization, abuse, and power; gratitude, integrity, and acceptance. But the real way to know when something is Karmic is if it’s challenging. Now I’m not talking about some small thing that happened to you one time. I’m talking about hurdles that keep showing up for you to tackle. A consistent theme you just can’t seem to shake, and you may even ask yourself, “why does this keep happening?”. It’s all about opportunities.

Become Aware of the Patterns to Release

Do you find yourself running on a program that always pushes you to date the wrong person? What is similar in each relationship? Is it low confidence? Loneliness? Find the common factor, and you find the karmic lesson. Have you always tried to please your parents or authority figures beyond what you actually want? Do you find yourself doing things for others but not for yourself? Or maybe you found someone who is truly incredible. This could be a friend or partner. You feel like they expand you and hold traits that you admire. But maybe you sabotage your chances before getting the opportunity to be shown just how valued you are. Perhaps you stay at a job because it’s “safe.” Where does that come from? Fear of the unknown? scarcity? A lack of understanding of what you are capable of?

Karma is constant and persistent. It will keep sending messages until we hear them and take hold of the opportunity. For example, You may find that your partner is unsuitable for you, so you break up and end up finding someone who isn’t right for you but is a better fit than your last partner. This is not an improvement… This is the lesser of two evils. Do you see the test here? The universe wants to know if you value yourself enough to wait for someone better. When you take what’s easy or what you’re comfortable with, you’re telling the universe, “I’m not ready.” But don’t worry, another test will come along, and the universe will reveal this theme in other aspects of your life until you step into your authenticity.

How Do You Know If You Have Karmic Ties with Another Person?

This is a big one. One way to know if you have karmic ties is to answer this simple question. When you met these persons, did you feel immediately connected to them? Did you feel like you have known them forever? Or that you were compelled to get to know them better? Do you feel oddly comfortable with this person? This is definitely karmic. Now, this is neither good nor bad; remember, this person could end up being a train-wreck or an expander in your life. But there is a lesson here. Odds are, you have spent past lives together, and some work is to be done. Either way, if you feel magnetic to someone, Karma is calling, but watch out for snakes and learn your lesson quickly. If you see red flags, listen to them so that you can pass your test to move on to bigger and better things. You don’t want to spend 3+ years with a friend or partner or at a job with a boss who is teaching you lessons. You can learn much faster than that, trust me. Our ego or wounding often gets in the way of our self-development. This can be challenging or inspiring—neither is right or wrong, good or bad. The goal of these relationships is to grow into your authentic self so that you feel whole in who you are. If someone comes into your life and you admire them, take the time to learn what they have to teach you, oftentimes you will end up teaching you something too. Karma goes both ways when it’s connected to people. It’s never one sided.

Emily Rose Wheeler
Feb, 24, 2022

Self-Love is the Best Love

As we approach Valentine’s Day, I felt called to write about self-love—the kind of love where you accept yourself as you are, the kind of love where you make good choices for your overall well being, and the kind of love that generously gives back to you in magical and mysterious ways.

As you read, put one hand over your heart and be open to receiving, receiving these words in addition to receiving whatever the universe has in store for you. Right now you are choosing you, and when you “love yourself first and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” That’s a Lucille Ball quote, and everyone loves Lucy!

Let’s start with acknowledging and celebrating yourself.

Use these prompts to encourage you:

I’m proud of…

I’m great at…

I’m awesome because…

I love my…

I am…

Self-love is worthy—and at times challenging—work! After all, it’s quite common to be self-critical and let harsh thoughts dictate how you feel about yourself. So, I want you to take a moment to think of an aspect of yourself that you pick on; maybe it’s physical or maybe it’s mental. What is it and why do you loathe it? Take a moment to dig deep here and be honest with yourself…

Now, if your hand is still at your heart’s center, move it to that place where you are especially critical of yourself, and allow the following prompts to guide you:

Offer that place some extra tender loving care and energy through your touch.

Flip the script and tell yourself what you appreciate about that aspect of your mind or body.

Be kind in your acknowledgment of what that part of your body does for you on a regular basis.

You are choosing to put the breaks on your inner critic and choose self-love. You are choosing to stop giving your time, energy and emotions to negative self-talk and instead give yourself the pep talk so the light and magic that is you shines brighter. That is called flipping the narrative.

To fuel self-love, it’s important to show yourself kindness—not just through words but through actions too. So, it’s time to grab a piece of paper and pen or open the notes page on your phone and jot down 5 kind things you can do for yourself today, tonight, or tomorrow. The action of doing can be active or passive; in that it can be to do something (like food prep) or to choose to not do something (take a midday nap).

When you love yourself, you care for yourself in beautiful ways. Think about a person, a pet, or a thing you just adore; how do you care for it, how much do you love it? You can treat yourself the same way.

When the power of self-love flows through you, you feel it, you use it, and it produces an overflow in which you are able to give to and share with others. So, go and fill up your cup until it runneth over.

Self-love is the path to knowing yourself and for serving others without feeling depleted or resentful; again, you are giving your overflow.

Lisa Desberg
Feb, 10, 2022

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