5 Steps to Get Your Self-Compassion Flowing

The ‘all or nothing’ approach tends to leave us closer to the ‘nothing’ than to the ‘all’, and in my experience, alienates self-compassion.

Let me paint a picture. It’s Sunday night—11:50pm to be precise. And you’re still awake (your plan was to be in bed two hours earlier). Now, you’re hoping that when the alarm goes off at 5:30am you’ll wake up energized and twirl your way to the mat in one gymnastic-style jump. Fast forward five hours and Monday makes its triumphant entrance with an alarm ringing at 5:30am sharp. You open your eyes, try to lift your body half-way up pressing your hands to the mattress, and as you’re almost in an upright position, hesitation kicks in.

Within a few seconds you voluntarily disregard any positive outcome from waking up this early (while also disregarding the commitment to yourself of getting back into that morning routine you love so much), and your head finds its way back to the pillow.

After snoozing the alarm for over an hour (it happens to the best of us) you’re left with 15 minutes to dedicate to yoga, reading, or anything else on your morning ritual list. Because by 8:00am, you need to Zoom into work—and before then, there’s coffee to drink, kids to wake up, pets to walk, and so on.

Enter the All or Nothing Approach

The inner debate begins: To use your 15 minutes wisely or to do nothing. Weighing in all options, you decide to do nothing now, because you honestly believe you can do everything later.

Your reasoning goes something like this: “Only 15 minutes? Not good enough. After work I’ll roll out my mat and do some yoga, some meditation, and then I’ll read a chapter of that book.” (If you ask me, 15 minutes will always kick 0 minutes’ butt.)

It’s 6:45pm and you just closed your laptop. Now it’s time to do everything you said you’d do, and—plot twist—you’re exhausted. This Monday beat you up, and evidently the only thing you want to do on your mat right now is lie down. With a blanket. And a sleep mask.

But you don’t. Instead, you badger yourself for wasting another day, for being lazy, for lacking discipline—neglecting everything else your amazing self got done today. While consciously or unconsciously feeding self-pity vs. giving yourself a break, lying down, and trying again tomorrow. And that’s the heartbreaking part. Why are we so hard on ourselves?

Enter Mindful Self-Compassion

I dare to say that many of us have adopted the habit of over compromising our available time and energy to the extent of depletion. Overbooking our calendar in favor of productivity (however that looks like for you) and failing to factor in our basic needs (and, the unexpected—because life), can inevitably lead to disappointment and self-judgement.

Setting unrealistic expectations of what we can accomplish in any given day or time slot, makes us prone to dismiss our little wins, to focus on all that we didn’t achieve and to engage in negative self-talk. The type that highlights (and blames it on) everything we dislike about ourselves. In my experience, this happens because I tend to forget that I’m only human, that I get tired, that I will make mistakes, and that no one is chasing me with a perfection stamp to validate my worth.

Honoring the work in progress that I am, I keep reading, listening, and therapy-ing my way into a more sustainable and realistic way of living. Or balance – call it what you prefer. All in the hopes of breaking patterns that don’t serve me anymore.

On this path to self-discovery, I learned about Dr. Kristin Neff, a developmental psychologist who pioneered the research on self-compassion and is one of the world’s leading experts on the subject. And I must confess, that after a quick Google search I was devouring all content on self-compassion.org. In collaboration with her colleague, clinical psychologist Dr. Chris Germer, Neff developed an eight-week training on Mindful Self-Compassion.

In its simplest form, self-compassion is all about treating yourself as you would treat a friend who is going through a tough time. She might have forgotten to press the mute button in a zoom call while blurting out an honest (yet not public) opinion, gotten ridiculously drunk at happy hour, said something horrible to her kids, or is simply going through a shitty situation in her life – like you, from time to time.

And mindful self-compassion (MSC) is a mix of mindfulness and self-compassion, which provides a valuable tool for emotional resilience. According to Dr. Neff’s website, randomized controlled trials have demonstrated that MSC considerably increases self-compassion, compassion for others, mindfulness, and life satisfaction. It also mentions that MSC has demonstrated a decrease in depression, anxiety, and stress.

In short and in my experience, mindfulness allows you to feel the feels without resistance, while self-compassion makes sure you’re kind to yourself while feeling them. It helps lower the noise of self-judgement and can potentially help you become your number one fan vs. your number one critic. And in case you were wondering: Self-compassion is not self-pity. Self-compassionate people understand that, from time to time, life is hard for everyone, not just for them.

Five Actions to Potentially Boost Your Self-Compassion

Not only reading can get you thinking about being more kind to yourself. Yes, that’s already a major win, however, if you’re up to it, I deeply encourage you to grab a pen and a notebook (or open the notes app in your phone—you do you) and let’s get started, shall we?

Remember that Struggling Friend. Think about a time when you supported a friend, or someone close to you who you truly care about. The one who forgot to press the mute button on that zoom call, or the one who sent the wrong text to the wrong group chat. Or the one who went through a tough time at work. Most of us can relate to a best friend messing up, being deep in that shame spiral and you being there with her – trying to bring in some perspective. How did you react? How did you talk to her (you, being at your best)? Write down what you did, or said, and pay attention to the tone in which you talked to your friend.
Hold Up that Mirror. Now, remember a time where you felt inadequate, when you were going through a difficult period at work, or in your personal life. And when the volume of that negative self-talk was maxed out. In as many words as you want to share, write down how you reacted (or tend to react), how you treated yourself, and pay close attention to the tone in which you talked to yourself.
Compare and Contrast. Did you notice any difference int the way you responded to your crisis vs. the way you responded to your friend’s? If so, ask yourself why. Which factors get you treating yourself so differently from the way you treat others you care about?
Imagine Change. Grab that pen again and write down how you imagine things could change if when you are having a really hard time, you treated yourself with the same kindness as you’d treat a close friend.
Keep this in Mind. Next time you face a challenge at work, in life, big or small (anything that makes you feel ashamed, that makes you doubt of all that you are capable of), try to acknowledge that you’re going through a difficult situation, try to shift your negative inner narrative, dare to extend your kindness and compassion to yourself – and see what happens.

Common Humanity: A Friendly Reminder

A key component of mindful self-compassion is common humanity. The fact that everyone faces hardship at some point in their lives. Reminding yourself that you are not alone, that you are human and imperfect, has the potential to grant you the perspective you need for self-compassion to become the rule in your life, not the exception.

Emotional Health
Sep, 13, 2021

Making Friends With Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk can look different for everyone. It can appear when you look in the mirror, when you compare your accomplishments with another, or when you are dating. As humans, we are all individually prone to negative self-talk that may or may not be unique to us.

Mindfulness
Jun, 02, 2021

How to Cultivate A Self-Care Practice

“The challenge is not to be perfect — it is to be whole.”

Jane Fronda

Think about last week.

Can you remember a precise moment where you actively chose to prioritize yourself and to put your needs first? If you did, then you practiced self-care. This behavior is reflected in any action you consciously take to protect and nurture your integrated wellbeing – mind, body, and soul.

The Four Pillars of Self-Care

I’ll start by stating the obvious: one size does not fit all.

Your lifestyle, your family situation, your work, your time, and your priorities, are unique in your reality. And these priorities determine which actions will make up your self-care roadmap.

If you’re looking to develop a long-term self-care practice, or are looking to tweak your current routine, here are four pillars that can guide you towards either goal:

Actions that contribute to your physical wellbeing
Actions that elevate your knowledge
Actions that care for and promote your emotional and mental wellbeing
Actions that fill you with purpose

In my experience, constantly coming back to these when I’m losing perspective and falling deep into the perpetual to-do list spiral, reminds me of the commitments I’ve made with myself. And reminds me of how good I feel after dedicating time to what keeps me grounded, balanced and well.

Your Physical Wellbeing

In one sentence: food that nourishes, movement that inspires, sleep and rest that help you recover.

If staying active is one of your priorities, because you either feel amazing after that yoga class, or after jogging, or at the end of that HIIT workout where you drain any negative vibes and stress – then your routine probably includes some form of movement. On the other hand, if you’re always busy, have an energetic job that keeps you running around all day and are constantly dreaming about teleporting to your couch to watch reruns of your favorite TV show (any FRIENDS fans out there?) – you might choose to prioritize rest and recovery.

Start to determine what you would like to achieve by asking yourself some questions: How many times a week do I want to work out? For how long? What schedule works best for me? What type of activity inspires me enough to jump out of bed at 5am? How many hours do I want (or need) to sleep? What is my ideal bedtime?

Once you’ve established priorities, and depending on your family situation, talk with your partner, roommate, parents or whoever’s support you might need to get in that 20-minute walk around your neighborhood at 6am. (Add in an extra 10 minutes to enjoy some hot coffee in pure silence before that walk, and you have given me E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.)

Elevating Your Knowledge & Feeding Your Soul

Have you started flirting with a hobby or a secret life-long passion that you haven’t pursued, because you just “don’t have the time”? On many occasions we underestimate the soul-nourishing power of our side passions and hobbies. If you enjoy or want to learn more about novel writing, gardening, embroidering, knitting, drawing, painting, learning languages – how about doing a little bit more of that?

I’m the first one to complain about not having enough time. And I’m also the first one to call myself out when I realize I’ve been Insta-scrolling for an hour (which is OK too #wedontjudge). It makes me realize that I do have the time and I can definitely dedicate 30 minutes to that unfinished book, online course, or short story. I just need to remember that I’m doing it for me. That I’m choosing me. We live in the era of online education. If you relate to these types of actions, and are eager to learn, here are some popular portals to start your search: edX.org, coursera.org, domestika.org.

Your Mental and Emotional Wellbeing

How do you take care of your emotional health? Although a visit to my therapist usually calms the waters, there are endless activities that could also contribute to my emotional wellbeing, and probably to yours. Some of us have routines that include movement, meditation or breathing, a quiet cup of coffee with our thoughts – whatever we consider enough to recharge and reconnect internally. Others turn to their communities: groups of friends, sisters, colleagues or other women with whom we share similar experiences, challenges and interests.

And finally, those activities that lift your spirit, that recharge you and that make you feel better no matter how cliché – from enjoying delicious hot chocolate with dulce de leche-filled churros, or spending time in nature, to a homemade mani-pedi or a SPA day – if they increase your sense of wellbeing, they are part of your self-care toolbox.

Bursting with Purpose

There are situations or actions that can heighten your sense of purpose – that magical, whimsical feeling that you are unique and can bring profound value to this world.

On the one hand, sharing your knowledge, your skills, or expertise — formally or informally — is one way to achieve this. On the other hand, practicing mindfulness, meditating or praying according to your faith, could also connect you with your purpose, calm your mind and contribute to your overall feeling of wellbeing.

The Fundamental

I believe that the most important relationship, and dialogue, is the one you maintain with yourself. So…what types of conversations are you having with yourself these days?

I’d encourage you to find a mirror, stare at it, and ask that face some personal questions – starting with: “If there is one thing I could do for you today what would it be?”.

Deprioritizing yourself to prioritize everything or everyone else, and being in a consistent state of busy is not a badge of honor (channeling my inner Brené Brown here). When the uninvited feelings of guilt start pulling you away from that outdoor workout, that appointment with your therapist, or that (virtual) coffee date with your bestie, remember this: if you are well, the rest will usually follow.

Emotional Health
May, 22, 2021

Why You Need a Yoni Egg and How to Use One

The yoni egg is definitely an interesting piece of female history. It is thought to come from ancient China where women (mostly concubines) used them to improve their vaginal strength. The word “yoni” means vulva in Sanskrit. However, it is clouded in mystery as most female folklore, no one knows it’s exact origin. Many criticize the yoni egg for not having scientific research to back it up, however, it continues to grow in popularity because women worldwide are seeing the results of using one.

4 Major Benefits of Using the Yoni Egg Regularly

Strengthens our pelvic floor muscles

The yoni egg practice will help strengthen those pelvic floor muscles! They work similarly to the kegel exercises but with a weight so they are more intense than doing just kegels. The more you use the yoni egg, these muscles will strengthen so you will be able to control them better. That means more control during sex, urination and self-pleasure, which is great! Also, for those of us holding trauma inside our yoni and womb, the yoni egg helps us get connected with that trauma to heal and release it.

Helps with learning about our menstruation cycle

Women have this incredible monthly menstruation cycle that we often know very little about. There is so much mystery like what does each phase mean? How does it affect our energy and mode? When we begin a yoni egg practice, we get in tune with our yoni. You will start to see that your yoni is different from day to day. Perhaps it feels different inside, your cervix has moved or the wetness is different. The more you know, the more you can take full advantage of your cycle.

Increases our sexual arousal and orgasmic possibilities

This is perhaps the best benefit (Am I right?). The more we connect with our yoni and clear the trauma from our past, we begin to feel more sensation. Many women report being in pain or having numbing sensation in their yoni and the egg can help equalize this. For me, my challenge was how numb I was inside my yoni, but I had pain around the lips. The more I used the egg, the more I cleared the trauma and released the tension. My yoni began to have deeper and more intense orgasms. Also, I experience new types of orgasms I had never had before which was a pleasant surprise!

Connects women to their divine feminine

The more we connect to our womb and yoni we can begin to harness the power that lives there. For most women, it lies dormant and is never awakened but that is where we hold so much of our divine feminine power. When we bring this part of us to life, we can set boundaries with ease. We can decide our future with joy and not constant worry. The yoni egg practice can teach us to soften into our feminine power and really begin to create the life of our dreams.

Okay, but how do we get started?

The first step is finding YOUR egg. Eggs are mostly made of crystals or glass. However, I recommend either a Nephrite Egg or Obsidian Egg for anyone starting out. You can see more about each here. Many beginners are tempted to go with clear or rose quartz because they know that crystal. But quartz amplifies anything it touches so if you have a lot of trauma, meaning this type of crystal can actually emphasize the trauma. So stay clear of quartz unless you are a seasoned egg user and are certain you are clear of any traumas. This is why I recommend the Nephrite or Obsidian varieties.

When you start your practice, begin with 3 minutes sessions, 3 times per week. You’ll want to avoid overdoing it and exhausting their pelvic floor muscles, but using the egg too much before we’re used to it. We don’t want to cause any discomfort. Also, never insert your egg while you are bleeding. Your body is trying to release during that time, and the egg practice isn’t counterproductive.

To start, follow these instructions:

Lay down on your back and take some deep breaths

Give yourself a nice message especially around your breasts to ground your body. We want you to be relaxed and calm.

Take the egg [string it, if you like] and hold it over your womb for a few breaths. This will warm it up.

Then slowly move the egg down to the opening of your yoni + ask your body if it wishes to receive the yoni egg.

If you get a good feeling or a yes, then go ahead and insert it for 3 minutes. If you get a “no”, then leave it by your side. We never force it in.

During that time, you can mediate, journal or do some light yoga!

When you take it out, rinse it with water and soap. And send it gratitude for the healing.

Eventually, you may find yourself creating your own ritual around the Yoni Egg. That is the best! It means you are really leaning into it and making it your own. Every woman holds within her a unique feminine power that only she can unleash! I hope this yoni egg practice helps you release it with the world.

*If you have any questions about Yoni Egg or divine feminine, contact Morgan on her website.

Self-Love
May, 13, 2021

It’s Not What You’re Eating, It’s Who You’re Being

I spent a lot of years worrying about every bite I put in my mouth. I carefully counted my calories and sometimes, even measured my food. It was a science and the experts told me it would work, that if I was diligent, I would lose weight. Calories in, calories out. Simple. Easy. It took me a long time to admit that, in fact, it wasn’t working. And it definitely wasn’t easy.

I finally reached my breaking point and I couldn’t go on obsessing about food. It was all I ever thought about. I felt like I wasn’t reaching my full potential because I didn’t have any energy at the end of the day to chase my dreams. I threw in the towel and vowed never to diet again. That is the day my Intuitive Eating journey began.

I went all in. I hired a coach. I read all the books I could get my hands on and filled my social media feed with inspiring accounts. Compared to what I had been doing, Intuitive Eating was relatively easy. Identifying my hunger and fullness took some work, but in the grand scheme of things life was way more peaceful than it had been in a long time.

The interesting thing about honoring your hunger and fullness is that you have to be very aware of what’s going on in your body. This was challenging because I had spent years ignoring her, punishing her and making her the enemy. She was something to be controlled, not my partner in health. I was so busy listening to the experts who had all the answers, that it never occurred to me to listen to what my body wanted.

The shift didn’t happen overnight. And rightfully so. I had used and abused my body for so long, it took some time for us to rebuild the trust. Because the truth is, my relationship with my body is like any other and I needed to prove that I could honor and cherish her again. Throughout this process I learned that only I have the answers. What works for others doesn’t work for me and that’s why I struggled for as long as I did. I was looking for answers in the wrong place.

Now that I was paying attention, I could focus on what I was eating. I had to make peace with food. I spent decades making every food decision a moral judgement. This food is “good” and therefore, I am good. But every time I ate something I believed was “bad”, I was a horrible person with no willpower. Every bite was loaded with guilt and shame. I desperately wanted to only desire “healthy” foods. So instead of enjoying whatever it was I was eating, I was focused on feeling like a failure and barely tasting what was on my plate.

Upon reflection, these thoughts and beliefs were a product of years living in diet culture. I know now that there are no good or bad foods, but I also recognized that the more I restrict or make off limits, the more I want it. This is human nature. I am not broken, the system that supports these ideas is broken. Enjoying food is our birthright! And I now approach meal time from a peaceful place, with enjoyment as the main ingredient.

When I reflect on my relationship with food now, it is kind of an afterthought. In fact, I get annoyed with how neutral food is. Some days I struggle trying to decide what to eat, like it’s a chore. That right there blows my mind. At the height of my food obsession, I could never have imagined being here. And it makes me realize, it wasn’t about the food at all. It was about who I was being.

I was looking outside of myself for the answers. I wasn’t connected to my body, to my inner knowing that now supports me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I was eating under duress, making myself wrong for every “bad” choice and feeling like a failure when it was the diets that failed me.

I’m grateful for the peace and freedom I now experience, not to mention the energy and brain space to live a life I love. What I’ve learned is food can be fuel, it can be pleasurable and should be enjoyed, but it’s also just food. The real power comes from my mindset and what I know to be true for me.

Personal Story, Self-Love
Apr, 29, 2021

Self-Fulfillment and Self-Care is Self-Honoring, Not Selfish

As I get older, I reflect deeply upon how to take better care of me. To silence the inner voice that critiques my progress on a goal, deadline or achievement. Instead, I meet that small wounded part of me with love, acceptance and compassion and remind myself that I’m not a machine.

I grew up in a situation where shame was given anytime I laid still and rested. I was called “lazy” if I took a nap, or “selfish” when I put my wants and needs first. My attempts to adapt to an invalidating environment consistently placed me in a pattern of self disempowerment, and as a young adult, a constant search for perfectibility and certainty in my life.

However neither perfection nor certainty exist in this world, so my search was always in vain.

Fast forward to my early 20s as a single mother, the concept of self-care was completely alien to me. Abandoned by both my family and my daughter’s biological father, I ate whatever I could afford, and I put my needs last like all of the women in my family had. Still motivated by creating certainty and security, I also held the firm belief that the only way to be happy and to receive love and acceptance from others was to prove myself to be worthy and capable.

I wanted to show the world that not only could I be a great mother, I could also financially support us at the same time. Yet no matter what I did, nothing ever was good enough for the people I was trying to please, and I was always exhausted.

In my early 30s, I remember my therapist asking me, “So, if you bought your mother a house, do you think she would love you more?”. His line of questioning always bewildered me, activating my inner child’s feelings of defectiveness, requiring me to instantly defend the truth of my reality. So I rewarded that therapist by refusing to see him, and I moved on with my life, never recognizing the deep connection between the source of that question, and my vulnerability to high-demand situations.

As I continued along my path as a wife and mother, my inability to defend boundaries around self-care eventually took a toll on my body. I became exhausted, depleted, and was eventually diagnosed with Graves Disease, an autoimmune condition which also threatened my eyesight. This was a huge wake-up call, as I finally realized that sacrificing my own care for others wasn’t a true or sustainable way to live. Constantly caring outwards was literally draining the life right out of me.

As my best friend told me at the time, “Andrea, you are literally killing yourself.”

In reality, without self-care I had very little of myself left to give to anyone else. In addition, my wounding pattern perpetuated a victim mentally that was modeled to me through my parents. I was repeatedly taught to sacrifice my own well-being and allow others to define my reality. It wasn’t until I learned how to heal myself from Graves Disease that I finally connected all the dots. Throughout that process, I had never been so cared for in my entire life.

Fast forward to a decade later of deepening my relationship with self-care, which has shown me a very different way to live, and I now know without a doubt that self-care can transform anyone’s life. Instead, it is actually selfish not to self-care. By taking responsibility for ourselves we are doing a great service and truly caring for everyone.

As a business owner working from home, I do have a tendency to over work, over give and over do, especially since my business is heart centered and I have a deep desire to serve. However I’ve learned to practice discernment. My boundaries have been set not to upset others, but to honor myself. Not everyone deserves access to me, especially those who take more than they give. Or those who have without conscience drained and hurt me time and time again. As a result of these changes, I now feel inspired. It now feels normal to make self-caring choices and honor myself.

Through expanding my relationship with my higher self and inner wisdom, I’ve also come to recognize that there is a strong link between setting boundaries around self-care, and developing your own intuitive abilities, which further motivates me to honor my commitment to self-fulfillment long term.

So if your boundaries are constantly being crossed, chances are you are also ignoring your intuition.

This shows up in your life as:

Turning a blind eye to things which make you uncomfortable.
Engaging with people in situations that you know drain your energy.
Saying yes when your intuition is screaming no.
People pleasing and avoiding upsetting others by staying silent even to your own detriment.

A word of advice? If you also want to develop your intuition, start by honoring yourself. Practice listening and responding. Trust your intuition and take action based upon its guidance.

I also invite you to begin noticing when you are people-pleasing, over-extending yourself, or trying to prove your worth or earn love. And take a moment to pause and remind yourself that you are already inherently worthy of being loved and valued just as you are. If they are unable to see your value and that you are worthy of love without you proving it to them, perhaps they aren’t meant for you.

The whole idea around personal or spiritual development revolves around building emotional resilience and healthy boundaries. That is something I am always working towards myself, and that is something I teach now.

People will still be overbearing with their expectations of you, however you can also remind yourself that you aren’t responsible for meeting their needs – they are.In discovering the truth about self-care and what it can bring to your life, you have nothing to lose but your exhaustion.

Emotional Health
Apr, 20, 2021

On Grief and Gratitude

I was 23 and living in New York.

And life was a combination of marketing classes, PR internships, and the pure enjoyment of the treasure that is NYC. I’d managed to find a one-year master’s program that would allow me to start in Rome and finish in New York. Dream. Come. True.

After all, I’d followed my father’s advice: “Travel, study, and then travel some more – you’ll have the rest of your life to work.” Over a decade later, I wish I could thank him for this spot-on, painfully true piece of wisdom. I arrived from Rome a few months earlier and life in New York was everything I never knew I wanted, needed, and longed for. This was my city.

And it was also in my city where I got the call – the one you’re never prepared to get; the one with news you’ve only catastrophized about.

On The Life-Shattering

It was 5:00pm on a warm summer Sunday when my aunt Ana called. She’s one of my mother’s four sisters who lives in South Carolina and who had called me earlier mentioning she might have to come to NY for a last-minute conference — there was no last-minute conference. The words: “Oh sweetheart… I wish I was there to tell you this in person,” came out of her mouth in a broken voice. I’m sure it was hard to say, and I can assure you it was harder to hear.

“Your dad…” she said.

What followed made my legs feel like Jell-O, and I fell to my knees.

It was like somehow the roadrunner mistook me for the coyote, and dropped a 500-pound ACME anvil from a cliff, crushing the life out of me. I had spoken with my father the night before. He told me he’d been to our old house (which he was looking to fix and sell) with a handyman that was highly recommended by a family friend. He said they’d go back in the morning, so I asked him to be careful and to call me when they were done.

To this day, I don’t let anyone into my house to fix anything if I’m alone. No matter how “well recommended” they are. My aunt told me that the handyman, along with an uninvited helper, robbed and killed my father. I’ll spare you the details. He died in his house. The house I grew up in; The house he’d purchased over 20 years earlier, when he was a newlywed, a first-time dad, and an entry-level accountant. This all happened before 9:00am on that Sunday morning while the neighbors were having breakfast.

I can only describe learning about this as pure, raw shock. The truth is, that the fact that my father was not alive anymore did not register in my mind – realizing that I would not see him again, or hear his voice, or have him in my life – was surreal, to say the least. And I was not there. I wasn’t as far as Rome, but a five-hour flight felt far enough I promise you that.

When my aunt mentioned she had already booked my flight for the next day, I felt the first sliver of serenity.

On Grief

My roommate heard me drop to the floor, so she stepped out of her bedroom and found me in the living room sobbing over the phone. She kept her distance. She allowed me to be and to feel without overwhelming me with questions and nonsenses like: “Don’t cry.”, “It’ll be okay.”, “This too shall pass.” — which I deeply appreciated.

Looking back, I was at the perfect place, with the perfect person going through the most imperfect situation. I’m unsure of my capacity to have handled so many emotions, coming in from so many places and so many people, if I’d been home. My journey with grief and gratitude started right there. With her.

On Friends and Family

I can say, without a doubt, that my father’s death established the silent recognition of the friends that I call friends and the friends that I call family. Let me illustrate. My father died on a Sunday and I arrived at Panama on a Monday. By Tuesday, one of my closest friends (who lived abroad) was already at my house. And within a few days, my best friend, who doubles as another sister, arrived too. I’m unable to put into words the level of sanity, support, and safety they gave me. They were home to me. They were family.

I had extraordinary emotional support coming in from my closest friends, most of them from high school. They came to my house, we reminisced on my father’s anecdotes, his randomness, his unparalleled devotion to his daughters, and his dad jokes. He was the king of dad jokes. I was grateful for them. I was grateful for the family members holding up my mom. I was grateful for my sister’s own friends, whom she called family, for being there for her and with her.

On the Worst

You know how most of us have that “worst thing that could happen” lurking in the backs of our minds? Well, that worst thing happening to my dad was mine. My father was my safe place.

In my mind, no one loved me more, no one accepted me more, no one let me be myself more, no one was prouder of me, no one would love my (unborn) children more, no one would protect me more, no one would ever care more about me and what happened in my life, than him. He was not perfect (and, who really is?), but he was my number one fan, and I was his.

And now, he was gone.

On Gratitude

I wasn’t supposed to speak at his funeral. And suddenly, I had to walk up to the altar and address a crowded church. My memory fails to remember anything before or after that speech. I just remember saying this: “I thank God for lending him [my father] to me for 23 years…”

I promise you; I don’t know where that came from. I can only infer it was a higher power turning on my survival-mode switch, helping me make sense of a father-less existence through the lens of optimism (or, positive realism as I prefer to call it).

Regardless of religion, faith or spiritual beliefs – gratitude saved my life. It helped me survive without anger, bitterness and cynicism. It helped me survive my father’s death with hope, acceptance, and peace of mind. And even though the pain never left, it was gratitude that allowed me to find the perspective I needed to move on. To keep on living a wholehearted life.

It reminded me of how lucky, (and blessed) we were for having a father who was cautious and thoughtful enough to make the arrangements – those that ensured we weren’t left on the street if something happened to him.

He made sure we didn’t have to leave our home, nor be left at the mercy of any family members to take us in. I was fortunate to have a father who believed education was the most valuable inheritance. One who made sure we learned English and who taught me to be independent and reliable; A father who loved me unconditionally, and who tried to teach me the value of money and financial freedom. Much of what I experienced was through the lens of “this could be worse”, which at the time was the only rationale I could accept.

However, it’s not about accepting adversity by thinking things could be worse, because you know what? They could be better, too.

It’s about remembering where you’ve been, what you’ve gone through and where you are now – to remind yourself of how far you’ve come and to admire the good that sits with you and that has happened to you. It’s almost too easy to fixate on what’s wrong and to find the negative in every situation. Yet, being able to recognize all the goodness in your life, to value what’s going well for you (amid the struggle) – and to do it consistently – has the potential to change your life.

And this is what I refer to as a Gratitude Mindset.

On Cultivating Gratitude

About six years ago I read this in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, “So, by changing your mind, you change everything.” I’m not promising these actions will change everything. What I can say from experience, is that they have the potential to help you sneak in gratitude into your life, as you sneak in vegetables into your kids’ meals.

These are some simple ways that help me keep my perspective, and my gratitude, in check:

Starting and ending the day listing the five things you’re most grateful for. From finding your favorite plant-based protein powder (that’s usually out of stock), to your health, your dog and your spouse’s kindness.
Acknowledging when shit almost hit the fan, and didn’t. From thanking every deity that prevented you from crashing into that parked car you didn’t see, to regaining your breath after realizing you almost sent that message to the wrong person…or group chat.
Remembering the epic. And imagining your life without it. From the time you met your spouse or your life partner, to the birth of your children, to getting your pet Shih Tzu, to that soul-nourishing trip, to getting your dream job. Nothing was inevitable. These things happened for you and they could well have missed you. It can be powerful to remind yourself of how extraordinary it is to have these people (and pets) in your life, and to have experienced these moments. Can you imagine life without them? (Me neither).

It can be powerful to remind yourself of how extraordinary it is to have these people (and pets) in your life, and to have experienced these moments. Can you imagine life without them? (Me neither).

On Emotional Validation

Feeling gratitude does not dismiss feeling frustration, sadness, discomfort or disappointment. It can coexist with these strong, and at times, overwhelming feelings. My objective is to remind you that even if your perspective goes for a long walk, you always have the power to bring her back, and to potentially transform your life with a mindset (and an attitude) of gratitude.

Emotional Health
Apr, 13, 2021

Bringing Mindfulness Into Your Everyday Life

How often do you feel joy? Genuine, inhibited joy? What if one simple activity could help you notice and create joy more often?

Mindfulness is a way to notice our thoughts, be patient with ourselves, and intentionally chose how we want to move forward. When we bring awareness into our daily activities we are able to actively seek the joy of being alive. Living mindfully also helps us to more easily take in the goodness that surrounds us each day. You learn to savor. You learn to be forgiving — especially to yourself.

It’s often thought that mediation means that you must quiet the mind completely, which can feel incredibly difficult — we are human after all. However, mindfulness and meditation are really about teaching us how to quiet distractions and just pay attention to the present moment. To forget about our to-do lists, a work conflict, or what you’re making for dinner that evening.

In meditation, I encourage you to choose to focus on one thing at a time. Notice your mind wandering away from the chosen anchor, and with kindness and compassion bring your awareness back. As we become better at focusing on the present moment, we gain a new awareness of the beautiful things that happen around us all the time. Plus, we spend less time ruminating about the past and fretting about the future.

3 tips to intentionally be mindful and begin a meditation practice

Micro-meditation

It is important to start your meditation practice in a way that feels realistic and accessible to you. So, feel empowered that micro-meditions are a thing. A micro-meditation is as little as one intentional breath or one full minute of thoughtful breathing. That’s it!

Take one thoughtful deep breath before or after a tough conversation. I promise it will make a difference.

When you wake up, do something that brings you joy

It has been shown that the way we start our day affects the way we end it. Instead of going straight to your phone answering emails or text messages, try to take a few deep belly breaths. Inhale through your nose until your belly is full with air and then loudly exhale out your mouth.

I encourage all people to take 30 minutes to an hour between the time they wake up and when they start their work for the day to do something mindful. And, by mindful, I mean just being totally present doing something you love. Something that brings you joy.

Mantras

Spoken words can be a great way to focus attention. One mantra we love is, “Peace begins *deep inhale, with me deep exhale* .”

Leave a post-it on your mirror to remind you of this mantra. Recite these simple words every morning and night, and throughout the day as needed.

Peace, joy, and lightness live within all of us. Meditation and mindfulness allow us to tap into a deeper sense of peace and joy. If you’re looking for guidance on these practices, our Realistic Self Care course aims to change the way your mind processes adversity. We will help you manage the everyday stressors of life with simple, actionable tools – to learn more visit our website.

Mindfulness
Mar, 03, 2021

Grief: Processing Regret, Forgiveness, and Memories of Love

I’ve tried to write this a few times, trying to find the right words to say, hoping that this would be insightful and even helpful. But the truth is, grief is surprising. It is messy and complicated, unpredictable and uncomfortable.

The reason this is so hard for me is because I lost a dear friend in a tragic accident 5 days before Christmas—and I’ve been having a difficult time trying to process this. I’ve experienced death from a distance and even as a support to my husband. I knew in some ways what to expect, but at its deepest level, I wasn’t expecting everything else that came along with it.

In some ways, I feel at peace with my feelings. Yes, there is regret, which I think is a completely normal and justifiable response. But I can’t help but think…if I had just seen her or hugged her or done whatever with her one last time, or about the moments I will never have with her. And then I think of the amount of pain her family is going through. She was only 23. Yes, death is part of life, but 23. That’s just getting started.

I think our regret comes from grieving an illusionary life that we imagined but will never get to come to fruition.

This past year has opened my eyes and my heart to a lot of different practices. One of which is radical forgiveness. This can be done for yourself or for others, but the process is the same. While we have no control over others, we do have control over ourselves. Forgiveness is not for the other person to give; it is a gift to and for yourself. In a situation where you are running multiple scenarios through your head and multiple futures of what could be, this is the time for forgiveness. Forgive yourself for what could not be or for all that you wish you would have been done differently. This is the story of grief; being in this cycle. We will never get another chance with them. Forgive all parts of yourself that you have any guilt about.

Ho’oponopono

My favorite practice is called Ho’oponopono. It is an ancient Hawaiian practice for forgiveness and self-healing. The process was founded and adapted to modern times by Hawaiian Kahuna Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona. It is absolutely fascinating to read about and I will simply summarize how I have used this technique to cope with the loss of my friend.

Step 1: Repentance

For this instance you could say something along the lines of “I am so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you. I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you in a way that you needed.” You are essentially placing the responsibility on to yourself.

Step 2: forgiveness

The step where we ask for forgiveness. It doesn’t necessarily matter who you are asking, just ask. “Please forgive me” and mean this so deeply. You could follow up with “Please forgive me for (insert situation or scenario).

Step 3: gratitude

Simply, “Thank you”. Now with grief, this is where I would shift into the feeling of being able to share in their life. They were a gift to us, for whatever that means to you, express gratitude for being able to share in this physical world with you for the time that they did.

Step 4: Love

Last step is probably the most important. Saying “I love you.”
Say this to the person you are experiencing grief over losing. Say this to God or whomever you call to, in times of need. Say it to your friends and family, but also to yourself. Love is the most powerful force in this world and can change the mood in any room. We grieve because we love.

In grief, nothing makes any sense. Time doesn’t exist in your world. Days and weeks, months and years go by and it’s as if you are frozen. Still in the moment where everything in your life crumbled with news that would forever impact your everyday life. You look up at the sky and you see a cloud that reminds you of “that one time…” with your person. Any sense can trigger a memory. A sound, smell, taste, or feel of something can take you back as if it were happening right at that very moment. You are momentarily struck, as if frozen deep in that memory.

And the waves continue to crash as if you never had time to come up for air.

It all starts over.

The sting of reality.

The phone call you want to make to a person that will never pick up.

Realizing the moments that will never be shared together in this physical life. As one walks in our reality and the other glides in the spirit realm.

Words are hard to convey, emotions are even harder.

“It is what it is”

But don’t I wish it could all just be a nightmare I could wake up from.

Grief is something I wish we didn’t have to experience, but as you know, that is life. In some ways, perhaps the process of our loved ones’ departure is teaching us something we could never learn if they were here—a catalyst. Though a meaningful and painful one.

Someone passing away can be a point where you can turn your life around. Where you get to embody the very best parts of your loved one and carry that presence around with you wherever you go. The power of truly being present and not regretting any single thing at all.

I think that’s the greatest gift we could ever truly give.

Anyone in grief will tell you things both predictable and unpredictable will make you sad, and in those moments, just remember, grief is only misplaced love and if you feel that emotion, you have the opportunity to share that love with others—keeping a piece of them alive. We sort of are our own bully in this situation and we really don’t have to be. We can’t change what was or what wasn’t. We can only learn and do better with other people. This is a whole process in healing and growing. Practice forgiveness on yourself and others. I promise this will be transformative.

And I will leave you with something that was shared at my friends funeral and it was a perfect summary of how our life force energy continues long after we aren’t able to interact in this world physically. “Light bulbs die, my sweet. I will depart”, from Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium which was followed by another saying, “I like to think that it’s just a change of address.” They are always around us because the love we have for them is inside us and that can never be taken from us.

Emotional Health, Relationships
Jan, 21, 2021

Music Can Impact Your Mental Health

Have you ever wondered why hearing your favorite song always seems to put you in a good mood? Or why you’ll never be able to listen to your grandmother’s favorite song after her passing because it’s just too sad? Or how loud music and cheering fans makes such an impact at a sports game?

Music is all around us, even when we don’t realize it. It’s vitally important to our society and can make a lasting impact on our mental health, both consciously and subconsciously. Here are a few unique ways music impacts our daily mental wellness:

IT CAN INFLUENCE OUR SPENDING HABITS

Did you know that stores play background music as you’re shopping? The next time you walk into the grocery store, stop and take a listen — that music was chosen on purpose.

Many large companies take time to research the impacts of music on consumerism — no surprise there. So the music you’re listening to is a deliberate attempt to get you to slow down and take your time shopping — therefore making you more inclined to spend more money. Tricky, huh?

While you’re at it, pay attention to commercials, too. Each song is deliberately chosen to evoke a specific feeling the company wants you to associate with their brand. And have you ever noticed how those jingles are so catchy? That’s on purpose. Bet you’ll never forget who the jingle is associated with; that company worked hard to build brand recognition.

Takeaway: Music is a very powerful tool that influences many of our subconscious behaviors. If you take notice of it, however, you can work to minimize its influence.

IT CAN CHANGE OUR MOOD

If you’re wondering why that one specific song means so much to you, it’s because music literally changes our mood. When we listen to specific types of music (or even sounds) the chemicals in our brain fire in different, predetermined ways. Because each of us is wired a little differently, our chemicals and neurotransmitters fire in different ways, at different times.

For instance, if a parent hears their baby crying it can trigger a rise in cortisol (the stress hormone). Likewise, if you hear a song that reminds you of a happy memory, it triggers a rise in dopamine (the happiness hormone). Certain songs can change the way we feel in an instant, and leave lasting effects.

One of the strongest instances of this for me was when I visited the Warner Bros. Studio in February of last year. In one part of the exhibit, they had a sound effects simulation. The person running the experience allowed us to watch a clip from a thriller movie with different types of sounds: only sound effects, only dialogue, only music, and all three together. I was shocked at how heavily the music influenced my mood, especially when it wasn’t being played. I could actually stand to watch the movie instead of covering my eyes!

Takeaway: Take notice of all the times when you may be triggered by specific types of music. It’s ok not to listen to them if they make you feel lousy. Likewise, if a song really pumps you up, you can use it to influence your mood on a crummy day.

Take Control of Your Ears

Listening to anything is a form of consumerism, whether or not we realize it. From the playlists we choose, to the news playing in the background, all of these sounds influence the way we feel, think, and act.

One way to practice self-care is to carefully pay attention to what you’re listening to each day.

If you’re looking for a way to wake up feeling more refreshed and less hurried, consider changing your alarm tone to something more soothing that gently wakes you up over the course of a few minutes. Instead of listening to the news in the car, try putting on a fun playlist of songs that you can sing along too.

Takeaway: When you realize that music has an effect on your mental health, you can begin to take action.

As a professionally trained musician, I’ve known for years that music can have an incredible impact on the way we live our lives. It’s important to understand that we have control over how we respond to aural stimuli, it’s just a matter of being able to actively listen for them.

Emotional Health
Jan, 01, 2021

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