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How To Care For Your Body Intuitively And With Self-Compassion

Mindfulness. Intuitive eating. Self-compassion. These are terms that we have become familiar with as so many are craving new ways of coping, connecting with ourselves and relating to each other. But as these concepts become buzz words or are over-commercialized, we risk losing the spirit of what is important.

When it comes to eating and how we relate to our bodies, many of us become paralyzed in our pursuit of mindfulness. There are literally hundreds of food documentaries telling us the different diets that we should adhere to, but they all seem to contradict each other. For the most part, the media still portrays only one type of body as desirable. We are living in the most over-worked, disconnected, and financially burdened society ever. Stigmas against mental illness run rampant. And the icing on the cake; we’re burned out and fatigued from the state of the current world. Thank you, COVID-19. Intuitive eating, mindfulness and self-compassion can turn our external focus back inward, allowing us to tap into the wisdom of our own bodies. And to do this, we must be able to listen to our own needs and turn down the voices of outside influences.

Six years ago, I began working in the field of eating disorder treatment. While diet culture is in no way the sole cause of eating disorders, it can be incredibly activating and certainly does not help anyone’s recovery process. As I helped to support and guide people in healing their relationship with food and their bodies, I became more and more angry at the “diet culture” we are all daily subject to. I challenged myself to begin examining my own behaviors and core beliefs around food and my body. I leaned into the discomfort and got painfully honest about the negative behaviors and beliefs that I engaged in and at times even cultivated. And I realized that if I was to preach freedom from this suffocating chaos to others, I had to first be free myself.

SO, WHAT DID THIS PROCESS LOOK LIKE?

Well, I examined the chronic need to lose 10 pounds (or so I thought). The daily weighing and seeking approval from my bathroom scale. Guilt if I gained even a single pound. Negative body image. My relentless inner critic shaming me throughout the day. Perfectionism. Moderate food restriction and diets. While this was a different path than one who might be struggling with taking even a small bite, it was also an important journey.

No, I did not have anorexia. But why did I weigh myself every day? Why was I afraid of certain foods? Why did I constantly feel the need to change myself? Why did I struggle so much to accept my body? I stopped exercising rigorously and I had a major shift in my perception.

To my surprise, my body DID NOT CHANGE, at least not that much. I slowly began to trust my body. I stopped censoring the food I was eating, and most of the time I ate when hungry and I stopped when full. It’s a miracle how much easier it is to not overeat when you haven’t deprived yourself throughout the day! I think the fear underlying this kind of freedom is often externally imposed on by diet culture. We are taught that if we don’t do drastic things—like buy those supplements or join that gym—we will just keep gaining and gaining. We undermine our metabolism and our own innate instincts. I started exercising again when it came from a place of desire versus a place of fear and shame.

Through trusting myself, I learned that my body has a natural place it wants to be.

If I honor and accept this, I can innately listen to what my body wants versus trying to change or control it. I can trust my hunger cues and move my body in ways that feel good and in ways that align with my values. For me this looks like three meals and three snacks each day. All food is good; nothing is forbidden. I began enjoying those “off limit” foods in moderation such as cake, fries and mac-and-cheese. And I love fruits and veggies. I engage my body joyfully through peaceful walks, hiking, yoga and running. I ditched CrossFit. Why? Because I HATED it. That’s just me. Today, I get to listen to what sounds good and what my body needs. This ultimately frees up A LOT more time and energy for the things that really matter!
 
I believe that it is vitally important to examine our relationship with food and our bodies. Body image affects almost all areas of our life. Our relationships—romantic and platonic alike—our performance at school and work, and our sexual choices and experiences. How do you know if this journey is for you? It can be really clarifying to start with being gentle and curious with yourself.

Think about these questions to investigate your own personal experience:

  1. How would you describe your relationship with your body?

  2. When you think of your body, what comes to mind? What thoughts and feelings come to mind? How do you deal with these thoughts and feelings? What do you tell yourself about these thoughts and feelings?

  3. What are the physical characteristics you may need to accept about yourself?

  4. What are the negative body image thoughts you need to reduce or eliminate?

  5. What are the situations you would like to feel more comfortable in?

  6. What beliefs and behaviors do you need to change to be less invested in appearance-based self-worth?

  7. What are the consequences or impacts that your body image struggles produce, and what do you want to change?

5 philosophies for caring for your body

Not every one of these may feel right for you; explore a few and see how they work.

SELF-COMPASSION

Treating ourselves with kindness can motivate us internally and allow us to show more compassion externally. There are a number of misunderstandings about self-compassion. For example, the core belief that self-compassion will make a person selfish or lazy, but science proves otherwise. Self-compassion is an inner resource that helps us survive adversity, build resiliency, and it motivates us to achieve our goals. We receive more energy and motivation from love versus fear.

INTUITIVE EATING

Avoid giving moral value to food. An intuitive eater is defined as a person who “makes food choices without experiencing guilt or an ethical dilemma, honors hunger, respects fullness and enjoys the pleasure of eating.”

MINDFUL EATING

Maintaining an in-the-moment awareness of the food and fluid you put into your body. It involves observing how the food makes you feel and the signals your body sends about taste, satisfaction, and fullness.

JOYFUL MOVEMENT

Joyful movement is a way of approaching physical activity that emphasizes pleasure and choice. Exercise often feels compulsory — it’s done to earn food or burn off food, and to punish the body for not fitting into arbitrary and unrealistic ideals. Joyful movement recognizes the right to rest as well as the benefits of rest, and your choice in whether to engage with it or not. How do you find joy in movement? Well, what did you love to do as a kid? What do you look forward to versus dread? Do you enjoy walking your dog, or do you prefer going to a candlelight yoga class? Listen to your body and do what feels good.

MIRROR WORK

What I really love about mirror work is that it can be a combination of intimately connecting with yourself, as well as exposure to yourself. We can intimately connect when looking into our own eyes while stating affirmations. Louise Hay’s Mirror Workbook takes you on this journey in “Mirror Work: 21 Days to Heal Your Life.” Mirror work can also be repeatedly standing in front of your mirror, becoming more comfortable with all parts of your body. When doing this, it is important to set all judgement aside. This needs to be an exercise that is either neutral or affirming. If you find yourself criticizing, you may not be ready to take this step.

Taking the time to utilize these resources have aided in the ongoing journey of self-acceptance for both myself and for so many others. With the holidays approaching these practices can be especially helpful. Purposefully focusing your attention on the present can help you embrace companionship, connectivity, and overall contentment and help make the season of celebration more meaningful for you and your loved ones.

The Key To Ending The Cycle Of People Pleasing

I will never forget when I began to say “no” more in my life. I turned down invitations and stopped responding to people that were toxic. Not only was it liberating, it freed up my time and gave me even more time to really think about what exactly I wanted. I simply stopped wasting my time on other people.

It was truly fascinating and kind of scary to start saying ‘no’ to invitations. I would realize that on a Saturday night (when socially, I was meant to be partying and drinking with friends) I actually had no plans except to sit at home and watch my favorite TV shows. It was a shock to my nervous system and I found myself very lonely at times. But being lonely was better than being overwhelmed. Being free on a Saturday night was better than having to go to something I hated.

You may be wondering what this has to do with people pleasing and ending the cycle in your life? The key to ending the cycle of people pleasing starts with relearning to say the first word most of us learn as babies, “no.”

It is such a simple word but it can have so much impact. It can deny, it can stop, it can do a lot of things. It can become your best friend. The reason we often stop using the word “no” is because when we were kids our parents wanted us to agree with them. When we said “no” we were considered rude or rebellious, so those of us who wanted love from our parents or caregivers stopped saying it.

However, as you grow up into adulthood, setting boundaries and saying “no” are foundations to living a happy and fulfilled life. People pleasers are often burnt-out, tired, and angry at the word. Do you feel any of these things?

So how do you set boundaries?

HERE ARE 4 EASY TOOLS TO BEGIN THE PROCESS

  1. You have to change your mindset.
    You have to get really clear about why you are a people pleaser. What happened as a child that created this mindset that you have to please everyone in your life? Write it out in a journal and be very clear about the origin of this behavior. This will help you as you begin to say “no” more in your life. You can remind yourself that it is not YOU but the programming from childhood that is occurring when you say yes.
  2. As invitations begin to flood in, always take a full day to decide whether you want to go or not.
    This is important because it will give you space away from that person plus it’s easier to say “Let me think about it” or “Hmm, I will check my calendar and get back to you” rather than a straight “no” to someone’s face. You can follow up with a text with a “no” which is much easier for some to handle or take your time to decide if the YES will bring you joy.
  3. For every invitation you say “yes” to, say “no” to two others for no reason.
    This is a great game to play with yourself when you are starting off. It will help you keep track of your progress and if anyone gets annoyed then you can blame it on me. Challenge yourself to put your mental health at the forefront, not your social life.
  4. Find the why behind your reluctance to say “no”.
    The #1 reason people don’t want to say “no” is because as children we were taught that if you did, your parents would chastise you for being rude. Because of this, you often are scared people will be angry or annoyed with you if you say “no” — but the truth is that most adults actually do respect each other’s boundaries and that most likely this reaction is something you’re projecting onto the other person because of programming from your childhood. And if the person is angry then explain to them your ‘why’ and if they don’t get it then it’s time to get better friends. This is why finding the reason “why” you have trouble with saying “no” can really help you stay on track.

You may even be thinking, what will I do with my time if I can commit to saying “no.” The answer is: something for YOURSELF.

Finally, you will have time to concentrate on you, your passions, your needs, your own self care. You can only truly embrace your next step in life when you free your time and begin to add in your own passions.

Use this time to start that hobby you are interested in, or that side hustle that you know will make you more money. Perhaps you can adjust to a longer morning or evening routine. You also choose to spend more time with the people you actually care about and love.

The possibilities are endless.

Time is a resource you can never get back. Use it wisely so start saying ‘no’!

The WOOP Method For Habit Change And Goal Setting

Earlier this year, I participated in a free Yale online course called “The Science of Well-Being.” As a whole, I loved the class. I found the psychology behind how humans make choices about what they think will bring them happiness contrasted with what actually brings them happiness incredibly fascinating. But one of my favorite things I walked away with was a strategy for habit change and goal setting.

I am no stranger to trying new things, especially in the wellness realm. I’ve wanted to become a flexible yogi that can do handstands, stay on my clean diet, and have strived to become a morning person. But I’ve always fell a little short with the longevity of my goals.

I’m sure you’ve been there. You decide you want to do this new great thing to become this new great person. You’re excited and 100% confident you can get there. Until you actually start doing the thing… Suddenly the inspiration and excitement is gone. You’re tired… you’re hungry… something else just sounds better and you decide the new habit can wait for tomorrow… until you wake up and realize that you haven’t practiced your new habit or made any strides towards your goal in weeks.

Which is where the WOOP Method comes in. The WOOP Method is a science-based mental strategy created by Gabriele Oettingen after gathering more than twenty years of research in order to help people create lasting habits of their own making.

WOOP

Wish 

Outcome 

Obstacles 

Plan

 

What makes this method so different from other goal setting? 

Strategy

Proven Four-Step Strategy

  1. WISH

    Get specific with your goal/wish. The more specific you are about what you want, the better you’ll be able to strategize later.

  2. OUTCOME

    Write down your positive outcome. What will happen once your goal is achieved? Who will you be? How will you feel?

  3. OBSTACLES

    Write down any obstacles that are likely to come in your way.

  4. PLAN

    Create a self-regulatory strategy in the form of an “if-then plan” that can lead to better goal attainment based on your obstacles (this is where the magic is) BEFORE you start your new goal/wish.

THE METHOD IN ACTION:

My wish is to meditate for 5 minutes each morning.

By meditating for 5 minutes each day, the outcome will be that I’ll gain more inner peace and solace while creating a lasting routine.

An obstacle that I may face is that I’ll be too tired in the morning (or lazy) to meditate.

So, my plan is that if I wake up and feel too tired to meditate, I’ll get up from bed, drink a glass of water, and then sit or lay down to meditate.

Other examples of “if-then” scenarios:
“If there are donuts at the conference, I’m going to turn around and grab an orange.”
“If I pick my phone up more than three times per hour, I’m going to shut it off and put it in the other room.”

This method is unique in that it allows you to look at all the puzzle pieces. It’s easy to pick a new habit and say you’re just going to start. It’s another thing to stay for the course when things get hard. By thinking about the desired outcome contrasted with the obstacles, it allows you to get a clear picture of what could happen. And lastly, by creating a plan for what to do when obstacles come your way (because they will come), you are giving yourself a better chance for success—with a proven 3x more success rate than if you did not create an “if-then” statement.

 

So what habit or goal are you hoping to finally achieve with this technique? What have you always wanted to do, but had trouble achieving long-term? Here is your opportunity and strategy to make it happen!

Is Your Self-Talk Preventing You From Self-Care?

If you were to write all your thoughts down on an average day, would the majority of your self-talk be positive, neutral, or negative?

Negative self-talk is so common for so many that it isn’t even considered problematic. Perhaps it is even recognized as an appropriate response to your actions.

What if I told you that pervasive negative self-talk is a detriment to your ability to accomplish tasks and experience sustained well-being. Would you believe me if I told you that compassionate self-talk is an accessible daily practice you can do to reduce pervasive negative self-talk? Imagine what your life would look like if the majority of your thoughts become compassionate, kind, and motivating.

Now, try to imagine what our world would look like if the majority of people experienced thoughts that were compassionate, kind, and motivating.

Is it a world worth creating?

Dr. David Burns created a list of 10 common cognitive distortions, which he named Twisted Thinking. These twisted thoughts lead us to believe that our negative experiences are true.¹ When you begin to recognize these thoughts as twisted you can start to do the work of untwisting them so that you can give yourself appropriate self-care

THE PROCESS LOOKS LIKE THIS:
  1. Decide you want to have more thoughts that are compassionate, kind, and motivating

  2. Acknowledge when your thoughts are twisted

  3. Invite self-compassion because of the majority of us have been conditioned to have these cognitive distortions

  4. Explore alternative thoughts that acknowledge your inherent worth and value

  5. Take action from a of place compassion, kindness, and motivation

Use the guide below to begin to incorporate more compassionate, kind, and motivating thoughts and self-care practices into your daily life. You deserve it!

TWISTED THINKING

Definitions, Examples, and Alternatives

All or Nothing Thinking is looking at situations in absolutes. You put things in black-and-white categories.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I never accomplish my goals. I am always going to fail! I might as well give up, and binge watch tv for the rest of the week.”

Try to replace it with this, “That was not the success I was hoping for, but I did do ______ pretty well. I am going to rest, watch my favorite show, and then reevaluate a new plan to achieve my goals.”


Over-generalization is viewing a negative situation/event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “My body is always sore. I am terrified that I have a muscle or neurological defect!”

Try to replace it with this, “My body is sore, I am going to enjoy a warm shower, take a break from high-intensity workouts for the rest of the week, and then see it how it feels after.”


Mental Filter is when you ignore all the positives and only focus on the negatives.

When your first thought sounds something likes this, “I am so gross, ugly, and undeserving of love.”

Try to replace it with this, “All humans are inherently worthy, and that includes me. What are a few things I feel grateful for today?”


Discounting the Positives is a similar distortion where you insist that your accomplishments or positive attributes do not matter/count.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I was just lucky that I passed that class and graduated from college.”

Try to replace it with this, “A few things I learned that helped me finish assignments and study for tests include…”


Jumping to conclusions is when you conclude that everything is bad without having any evidence. This includes assuming that people are reacting negatively towards you (mind-reading) and predicting that things are going to turn out badly (fortune-telling)

When your first thought sounds something like this, “Everyone is looking at my funny, they must think I am so stupid.”

Try to replace it with this, “I am going to ask a friend or teacher for feedback after my presentation to see where I can improve.”


Magnification or Minimization is when you blow things out of proportion or make them seem less important.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “It’s okay that I didn’t eat dinner the past few nights, it’s just a meal.”

Try to replace it with this, “I am going to spend 15 minutes meal planning for the next week because I don’t want to make a habit of skipping meals.”


Emotional Reasoning is when you over-identify with your feelings at the moment.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I feel so hopeless, I must not be worthy of joy.”

Try to replace it with this, “Even though I am struggling with feeling hopeless right now, I acknowledge that this feeling will not last forever. Just like there was a time I didn’t feel hopeless, there will be a time in my future when I no longer feel hopeless.”


Should Statements is when you criticize yourself or others with “shoulds,” “shouldn’ts,” and “musts.”

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I should do all the things on my to-do list and if I don’t I am not healthy.”

Try to replace it with this, “I could do the things on my list today, but instead, I am going to take it easy today and pick one thing from the list that is most approachable/enjoyable.”


Labeling is when you define yourself by a behavior.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I ate all those Oreos today — I am disgusting.”

Try to replace it with this, “I am feeling gross because I decided to eat all those Oreos. I am going to call a friend to release some stress and eat a balanced dinner because my body is always deserving of a meal.”


Blame is when you take responsibility for something that you were not entirely responsible for.

When your first thought sounds something like this, “I have no self-control and am incapable of reaching my goals.”

Try to replace it with this, “What are some external factors that are making it hard to reach my goals?”

The hope is that with the increased awareness of Twisted Thinking and the practice of compassionate self-talk, you will begin to see a positive transformation in your self-care practices. When you take proper care of yourself, you may also begin to see improved clarity of purpose, passions, and relationships.

So go! Be gentle and kind to yourself on your journey. Set the intention to unconditionally love and accept yourself even as you struggle, fumble, and fail. You are deserving of quality self-care, everyday, regardless of how you look or feel.